A
female
age
36-40,
*hadow_Addict
writes:When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a guy, it was all very exciting and i thought i was love etc...but looking back now from a more mature prospective I know that it was more lust then anything else. And I fell pregnant...we were careful but the condom split. He wanted me to get the morning pill, but something stopped me. When we discoverd I had indeed fallen pregnant he begged me for an abortion...but thats just something I could never do. He hated me with a passion for this and our relationship fell apart almost instantly. I went on to have a beautiful little boy who i instantly fell in love with, and I knew he was a special gift and it was meant to be. The father tried at first i suppose, signed birth cert, saw him once after that...But then he basicly told me he couldnt do it and wasnt ready to be a father. So i went it alone, I was happy alone, wasn't looking for anyone, just concentrating on my beloved son. Then, out of the blue, when xander was just 4 months i met my soulmate. I took things slowly but we fell in love, he warmed to xander straight away, and as he fell in love with me, he fwell in love with xander too. And since then he has bought up as his own son, they are as close as any father and son could ever possibly be. He calls him daddy and they adore eachother.He's two now, and The problem is, i'm concerned about the future with this as I don't want to lie to him when he's old enough to understand...he deserves to know he has a different biological dad. But what age should I tell him this? I dont want him to be old enough for it to be a huge shock and secret i've been keeping for years that would leave him heartbroken..i dont want that. I Can't lie to him. But I'm terrified he'd stop seeing his daddy the smae way if he knew they didn't share the same blood...this thought terrifies me as they really are so close...i've never seen such a strong father and son bond. We've since had a 2nd baby, and as i knew he treats them exactly the same. he's an amazing dad and the father that Xander loves and deserves. But as i said i dont want to lie to him in the future...what age and how to i tell him this without making his world fall apart? sorry this is so long. so greatful for any answers
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male
reader, theplatypus  +, writes (30 June 2010):
shadow, I can't give you an exact answer on what to do, but I can share my similar story from the opposite end sorta. When I was 17 my mother told me that the man I had spent my whole life thinking hated me and would have nothing to do with me wasn't my real father, I was so mixed up. I was mad, relieved, sad, confused. I cannot begin to tell you how big of a roller coaster my emotions were on. But come to find out, my mother got pregnant from a guy who told her "he didn't want any kids" right before she could tell him she was pregnant. so she ran. met another guy and then a few weeks later told him she was pregnant and that it was his. well I did not find out until I was almost 24 that the whole reason my "dad" was avoiding me and would have nothing to do with me was because around age 8 my mother told him that I was not his kid... so he left. But she still waited until I was 17 to even tell me he wasn't. But she found my real father that same year by chance and told him everything and he agreed to meet me. So I met my real father for the first time at 18 and it was nothing short of awkward. we weren't father and son, we were two guys that knew we were supposed to get along but didn't know how we were supposed to. But needless to say we hugged and exchanged numbers and said we'd talk, but we haven't spoken since.. I don't miss my father, either of them. but that's because I never really knew either one. But the older I get, the more animosity I have towards my mother because if she would have just said something to either of them at an earlier time we could have just avoided the heartache. trust me it'd be easier to tell them now while he has still has a chance to adjust to it, rather than being destroyed when he is older and feeling like he has been lied to his whole life.. I wish my mom would have done it that way. hope that helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Hi Shadow, thank you, I shared with you what worked for my family, son is 23 and I hope it works for yours too. Good Luck x
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female
reader, Shadow_Addict +, writes (29 June 2010):
Shadow_Addict is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your answers. The two of you that sais i shouldn't tell him ever - that just isn't something I good do...I think every person deseves to know when they've come from. Thanks loads to Vintage, your experience in this situation really helped, I think I'll do what you've done and wait until he starts asking questions around 4+ that way it'll never of been a big secret and hopefuly never be a big deal and that he'll see his daddy the same way. I have spoken to my husband about it aswel now, telling him it was something i'd bee thinking about, which helped. Were just going to take things as they come and never hide things from him. Thanks again for all your answers
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I don't know what the correct age is, but I'm pretty sure that teenager is too late. I think he needs to get his mind around this fact early enough that the news does not become part of his teenage issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): I have been in your shoes ended up a single mother, for a time, then met and married, and he has been his dad. This isn't something you can keep a secret and neither should you. I first told him when he was 4 he asked something and I explained it as plainly as I could. Young kids take things in their stride, they handle things much better than we give them credit. Over the years, he asked questions, I answered everything truthfully, I told him whenever he had a question just come to me, he did over the the years he has grown up knowing the truth and I think it is the best way, no big shock later on in life, I mean how you like to be 18 and find out that your dad isn't your bio dad. It is something that comes out sooner or later, as soon as he sees his birth certificate he is going to know.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 I'm not sure there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It's a bit like adoption -- some kids grow up always having known and it's no problem. Some kids are told, and go off on a tangent of "you're not my real parent." Some aren't told until much later in life, and then obsess about why it was kept secret. Others react with gratitude that someone unrelated cared for them so well.
If I were in your position I wouldn't bring it up. Both your children have a loving father. It sounds like everything has worked out for the best. If something happens where he has to be told, such as the bio father showing up, deal with it then. Otherwise, why rock the boat?
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