A
female
age
36-40,
*ngeleyes84
writes:I need to understand why my husband lies about stupid things... I've asked him not to look up porn on my contract phone and he did it repeatedly and when busted he lied and said he didn't look it up... I told him if he wants to watch porn then we can go buy some videos and watch them together and he replies I don't really like it but I don't know why I look it up at times... ok that just proved he has been lying because. Months down the road he admits it... im a stay at home mom and im a full time college student and he tells me all the time how happy he is that im independent and he's never been with anyone that's independent and that I could make it on my own... he's allowed to have friends but if I go hang out with a friend at her house or meet her in town he blows my phone up... if I go to my parents house he blows my phone up there too... I can't do anything without him calling every 5 minutes... he's the 1 that has lied over and over and gotten busted when I've done nothing but be there for him and put up with everything and all the stress... drs told me im fixing to have a heart attack or stroke at 27 if I don't get my crap under control but my husband constantly lies about stupid stuff... he even lies about games he buys, cds he buys, how long he was sleeping, what he ate for lunch, ect ect... im the type of person that will ask a question and be like ok even if he's lying then eventually ill ask why do you gotta lie cause if your just honest it will be less hurtful than me finding out later... he says I must have a guilty conscience because im always catching him lying... if you were a guy and all these other men were telling you man your wife is beautiful or gorgeous or dang man how did a guy like you get a girl like that cause she's a good girl in every aspect and every way would you get mad and try to fight every guy that looked at me or commented about me or would you be like yea she's only mine and she's going home with me and only me??? Am I over reacting or is all my friends and family right about saying he's overly possessive and he's going to hurt me in the end or is his parents right when they tell me oh my son will never lie to you or cheat or ever do you wrong in any way... I need some advice because my husband blames me and tells me im too jealous and jealousy is a sickness that's gonna end up being the death of me... im far from perfect and I don't think highly of myself like other people do so I don't want anyone thinking im to stuck on myself because im far from that...
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 March 2012):
Hi. In one way, he does have a point. Any problems between two people in a relationship, should only be discussed by those two people and no-one else.
Anyone you tell, can only give you a personal opinion based upon their own individual experiences - in their own lives.
They are not living in your relationship - only you are.
The more a person discusses problems in their relationship with others, and gets lots of different opinions, all it does is confuse you. Twenty different people can give twenty totally different opinions! How confusing is that?
Then what happens is you listen to them instead of listening to your own intuition. You need to listen to your own heart. It always speaks the truth.
Perhaps you could sit down with him in a calm atmosphere, and speak to him with love and kindness, and simply ask him what would make him happy?
Ask him what he wants from this relationship.
If you have never done this before with him, it would be helpful to do it now.
Any problems you have with him and what he says and does, should only ever be discussed between him and you. No-one else at all. Not even your parents.
Because for a start, family and friends only hear what you tell them. They are not living with him like you are.
They are not there all the time with him, as you are.
So their perspectives are worlds apart from what your experience is.
And this is what causes more problems than anything else.
It becomes not just the two of you in the relationship, but you, him, your family and your friends also.
It simply complicates things unnecessarily.
Even though you feel you need some advice, by asking others outside of you and him, it actually then becomes a big part of the problem - as you are seeing now for yourself.
There are just two many people involved.
So he then believes you think more of them than you do of him. Just by going to them for advice.
Because they only hear your side of the story - when he's not there - they really only have half of the story, don't they?
This is NOT to say you are lying, no.
But to see the full picture, it's necessary to hear all sides of the story.
This then puts everything into perfect perspective.
Does that make sense?
You tell them what he said or did, and probably didn't give all the details of what lead up to it. Not deliberately leaving out details, it's just that some details inevitably are forgetten to be mentioned, so it naturally looks like he is the bad guy.
So when you think about it that way, it is a slightly imbalanced view of things, isn't it?
And it goes without saying, that your family and friends are naturally going to side with you, of course.
This toxifies things to a HUGE extent. No doubt about it.
It poisons you against him.
You then agree with them, go back and tell him what they said or imply their opinions upon him - and then an argument inevitably starts!
It just causes more problems than it solves.
Just talk to him - just you and him only - and see what comes out of it.
And in so doing, tell him anything that happens from now on, stays between you and him ONLY.
It will probably be at that time, that things will begin to improve dramatically.
It's entirely possible that his insecurities stem from his assumption that every time you go out - without him - that you are talking about him, behind his back!
Because he knows that you do, and this doesn't help him knowing you are constantly discussing with others, everything he says and does.
You may well find that once you cease to discuss him with others, that he will no longer feel insecure.
Because each time after you come back, then you probably have a go at him - based upon others' opinions.
You must always listen to your own heart. It will always tell you the REAL truth.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): "I need to understand why my husband lies about stupid things... "
He has no reason to lie about smart things because he doesn't feel the need to get away with them without you finding out.
He has reason to lie about stupid things because he
does feel the need to get away with them without you finding out.
If he wants you to know something, he'll be honest and forthcoming; if he doesn't, he won't.
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A
female
reader, angeleyes84 +, writes (21 March 2012):
angeleyes84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe used to make love but now all he wants to do is rough. I tell him it hurts because I had surgery jan 16 and all he says is hold on im almost there then he says sorry... I ask him why im not allowed to really do much of anything and he says married couples should not go places alone... hes not insecure about anything.. he will tell me i know i look good and im great in bed... he does work but he calls me literally every 5 minutes... i cant even use the restroom or take a shower in peace.. ive tried talking to him and he starts yelling what you dont trust me what you think im lying so really I dont know whats going on... everything changed after we got married... he is very controlling and my mom even says hes possessive of me... i cant even tell him things like when im sad cause he turns it around on me and blames me. he knows my health problems and he says its because im jealous... really yea im a jealous person because i have insecurities but i dont show that im insecure about myself when we go places. i dont know what to do or where to turn and if i try to talk to friends about whats going on then he gets mad and says its our business and nobody elses... there comes a time when you really need someone besides your spouse to talk to...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 March 2012):
Hi there. Do you and him make love at all?
If not, or if you did and now it seems to have stopped, could he have an erection dysfunction, do you think?
There's no real doubt about the lying is there?
You have caught him out pretty frequently, haven't you?
It's a regular occurrence, isn't it?
It's not like it's the odd once or twice. It's ALL the time.
He does sound very possessive and controlling.
Does he work? Or, is he home all the time?
Because he lies, he probably then makes the assumption that you could be lying as well.
When one person in a relationship is not to be trusted, they usually don't trust others.
He seems to be a very insecure type of person. The question is - why?
I don't believe that you are jealous. He does seem to be jealous of you though.
You said he doesn't like you going to see your friends.
You really need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart chat, and see what is really behind all this controlling behaviour of his.
Especially if he didn't used to be like that.
And if he wasn't always possessive and jealous, when did it suddenly start happening? It could be a clue as to what has triggered it.
It's the only real way you are ever going to know for sure.
Unless you DO have this discussion, well then things are just going to continue the way they are now.
There needs to be some changes.
And to do that, he needs to be perfectly honest with you about what is really going on in his life.
And unless you have this talk - and soon - there may not be a long term future for your marriage.
Don't delay it any longer.
When you bring up the subject of talking about it, keep your cool and don't get angry or upset, and be respectful of his feelings at all times.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I don't think he lies because he wants to hurt you or he has something to hide. He is afraid of you judging him and his decisions in daily life. Ask him why he has such low self esteem. I think the bigger issue in this relationship is boundaries. He shouldn't be touching your phone. He shouldn't be calling you every 5 minutes. You do talk to him like a child and unfortunately he acts like one. I believe initially he loves you for your independence and being in control of your life but right now he is afraid of you leaving him. What you do is tell him his lies, his possessiveness is unacceptable. Tell him what your doctor told you.
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