A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupid.I have a relationship question. My husband isn't very affectionate and is embarrassed my romantic gestures even when I make them. We have been married for 13 years and I feel like we've lost our mojo so to speak. Couples counselling is out of the question and communication is not exactly his strong suit. So here is my dilemma, I have started resenting him and feel rejected in a way. I don't want to feel like I have to settle for this for the rest of our marriage and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of affection now and then. I am sure this problem is very common. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): "Couples counselling is out of the question and communication is not exactly his strong suit."
If this is the case, what exactly do you have to work with?
What signs of life do you have the make you feel your marriage can be saved? There is no pill or magic potion.
No magic words.
What have you been doing the past 13 years, just coasting along with this guy? In a fog of denial, telling yourself you have a good marriage?
Was there a traumatic event where you caught him cheating and decided to forgive him? Did he catch you? This usually happens when there is a major event or crisis. You both decided to agree to disagree and sweep it under the table.
That, or he is in the midst of an affair.
Resentment is the normal reaction to someone who simply allows you to live in the same house and all but ignores you. You've become his live-in maid and housekeeper. You've tolerated this behavior so long, that it is now the norm. As a woman, you're at the age that you're reaching your sexual peak. Unfortunately; your marriage has stagnated.
The unfeeling husband syndrome is a sign that he is tired of marriage. He's nothing more than a roommate. His idle mind (and eventually his body) is going to venture to places a married-man shouldn't go.
If you can't communicate, you can't fix anything. That is how couples save their marriages. By talking and exchanging how they feel toward each other. They express their feelings for each other through affection and making love.
No talk, no affection, rejection, and he gets embarrassed when you want to be sexy. I'd say you have grounds for divorce. You can keep kicking a dead horse. From what you describe you have little alternative. Divorce is the only remedy left, when you have an unresponsive spouse who isn't trying to make you feel loved. I guess you just need more time to wrap your head around that possibility.
If you don't communicate, how do you convey your feelings?
Sign-language? When you are feeling an attention-deficit from your spouse; then you concentrate on yourself. You flat out tell him, that you feel totally neglected and you're tired of trying to carry the marriage alone. Then don't say another solitary word about it. It's a shot across the bow. Plant a seed in his mind and make him think.
In the meantime, get selfish. Get some exercise, change your diet, contact your girlfriends or sisters and have outings together for lunch or dinner. If you don't work, get a job.
Start feeling your independence and build new self-confidence. Get a makeover, and start rebuilding yourself as a person. If he doesn't like you, like yourself. If he doesn't change, change yourself. You're still young and at your peak as a woman; so just concentrate on improving "your" quality of life. Give yourself reassurance. Prepare for something better. Maybe it's time for a trade-in.
You can't revitalize anything unless it is a joint-effort.
Don't totally give-up on trying to communicate. Often men don't talk if it ends up being an argument with a lot of crying and screaming, or dramatizing. If all you do is give him your list of grievances and you don't listen. If you don't stand-up for yourself and make him listen. You've nailed the door of communication shut!
Your marriage isn't going anywhere unless you both are working at it. If he has given up on you, give-up on him. Just don't give-up on yourself. Your life doesn't end where he drops the ball. It starts where you pick it up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): Has your relationship always lacked sexual spark as we tend to set the pace of things at the beginning and if it has now died maybe it is because you were not compatible sexually in the first place. I was in a relationship like that for 20 years and after some time started to feel very lonely and unloved and my husband then wouldn't talk about it and even with couple counselling he would clam up which was even more upsetting. In the end I started having affairs (which I now regret) and finally ended the marriage after 20 years. I think you need to try to talk to him to rule out say something deeper like depression, and see if he is still happy in the relationship. Also tell him how lonely you feel and unloved and that you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy. You are still young and these things are very important in a marriage but don't drift on for 20 years as it will be such a waste of time.
Good luck.
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