A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. You know how every couple has their fights and that it's healthy to occasionally fight with your partner ? Well that's not the case in my relationship. I'm only 15. Technically, I'm not dating this guy, but you can basically say iam. We've known each other for about a year now. We both say were in love with each other. But we have never gotten into an argument or fight. Is this a bad thing ? I think we could fight, i just avoid it. I'm very jealous, and He hates jealous girls. He doesn't know i get jealous though. he flirts with A LOT of girls. I could get bitchy about that and other stuff too, but i dont. The reason i dont is because we don't really date. I feel like i have no say in his actions because we are both single. Ilove him with all my heart, and i dont want to ruin anything over a fight. What should ido ?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 December 2010):
 hi,
I can really sense that you care about your guy, by the beautiful loving way you speak about your guy. Very lovely.
My first answer was about fighting.
My second is about the other issue you raised: jealousy.
I really feel for women who suffer men who are proven players/cheaters, who have all manner of challenges, such that those women have it tougher than others. If such suffering women can't face leaving their player/cheater man then I can understand them feeling jealousy when he plays up.
But jealousy does not make the situation better. I would never stay with a man who was unfaithful, for the disrespect shown would make the situation untenable for me. I prefer a man who honors the contract he made.
In many situations Jealously can be very easy to feel. There are so many things that ''feed'' jealousy.
But the trouble is that jealously is such a wasted emotion
A ''jealous orientation'' can result in this mindset taking over a person's life. First it's something small. A glance from another. Him laughing at a remark by another. Yet full blown it can be jealously about what the neighbors have, who has a better car, better job, who has a prettier child, who has more money, who has more fame. Jealously can take over a person's life. And ruin friendships and relationships.
It does not have to be that way.
Some people are very lucky to be born without the jealously gene.
For those who do get jealous, but would like to escape the tyranny of jealously, it needs a change of mindset.
First and foremost have faith in you.
And ask yourself if you have faith in your guy? Is he honorable - a man who would say, ''no'' and mean it, if infidelity was offered on a platter?
Would he say ''no'', even if he knew no one would ever discover his infidelity?
If the above describes you man, a man who would remain faithful, no matter what, then it would not matter if he talked to a stadium of real live women every day.
Because if your faith and trust in your man is justified, and he loves you enough to remain faithful- under all conditions,
then why be jealous, ever, if the above is your guy?
Can you perhaps see the futility in jealousy?
You need a belief in your man, trust, good self acceptance, good self esteem to help you discard jealousy from your life.
So many hours can be wasted being jealous, and being jealous achieves nothing.
Discard jealousy from your life.
And imagine for a moment how an honorable faithful genuine guy feels,
IF he has already given his heart. IF he never intends to allow infidelity into his life. And IF he finds his partner constantly suspicious of his actions, intentions and motivations? Always on red alert for his first slip up?
=Demoralised is the answer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Probably because you aren't actually dating him. You said it yourself, you secretly don't like him flirting with other girls but you know you can't say anything as you're not together. I'm sure if you two were in a relationship it would be a different story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I think it is perfectly fine to not fight or argue. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or friendship. The people who do fight are simply doing so because they are trying to express themselves, and they are not able to do so calmly and clearly at that time.
But it isn't good if you are simply bottling things up and not saying things you would like to say. You say this guy doesn't like jealous girls. I imagine what he means is that he does not like girls who scream and shout and throw accusations around. Saying you are concerned or feeling insecure about his actions is not the same. That is not being jealous, it is just you saying how you feel.
There is a middle ground between fighting and saying nothing, and that is clear and honest communication. It seems there are a lot of things you would like to say to him, but you are worried about his reaction, and so you say nothing. But if you say nothing, you will get no further forward in the situation. Things will stay the same.
So my advice is to practise expressing yourself more. You could start with little things, rather than trying to tackle big issues all at once. Sometimes when you hold back and say nothing, try actually saying what you are feeling or thinking instead. It can be hard at first, but it becomes easier with practise. If he is not happy about you expressing yourself, or if he gets annoyed or accuses you of nagging or whatever, then that is because he clearly wants to do whatever he wants and doesn't want to take your feelings and needs into consideration. It does not mean you should keep quiet, or that it is wrong to speak up. It just means that he is not respecting your right to state what you think and feel. I hope something here helps.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 December 2010):
First of all fighting is often not a part of all relationships. There are successfully long-term happily married couples who don't ever feel any need to fight.
There are even people who see fighting as not good in their relationships.
Have you ever been in the presence of a person who has complete inner peace? The sort of person who may have reached the pinnacle of Maslow's pyramid? Such people have inner calm, and are so lovely to be with.
They have reached an evolved non-judgemental level of trust. When such a person is married to a similarly blessed person there is a beautiful trust they have in each other. Often such couples are elderly, as they know each other very well, and see no need to argue.
But for those who do fight:
Often an over-inflated ego (of one or both persons in a relationship) leads to fights. Where each party has to win!
Be first! Get the most. Beat everyone else. Get the biggest, get the best.
Other times a selfish (me, I, me, me and I) attitude by one or both persons in the relationship will lead to arguments.
They think their needs are more important than anyone else's needs.
There really are supremely happy, caring people, who do not argue. Some people have relationships full of genuine peace
and trust.
Versus:
And yes, there are people who cannot go an hour without arguing. Some people could start an argument in a paper bag!
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