A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband since I was 18 and have fallen out of love with him. We still get on really well as friends but really nothing more. My husband knows how I feel and is trying really hard to rebuild our marriage but it just isn't working. Our sex life is one sided and has been for many years and we've supposedly been trying for a baby for years but have sex a couple of times a month and it's always initiated by me. I'm getting really frustrated that the psychical side of things is always me putting the effort in and he is happy to receive but never returns the favour. I've tried talking to him about it and he says that he still fancies me and thinks I'm sexy but he certainly doesn't ever show me this. It's got to the stage where I really resent any sexual contact as I know I'll put in all the effort and get nothing in return.I'm finding myself tutting at him and rolling my eyes and am just generally getting very frustrated. Do we keep trying and talking but never resolving anything or do we split after all these years?I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Twice a month was our regular for about 6 years, and I usually initiated it. It frustrated me to no end and I even went through a period of depression because I thought that he didn't find me sexy.There were two things that got me to accept that twice a month was ok. The first was complaining about it to my friends and finding that I was definately NOT the only one with this problem. It seem like ALL of my friends felt they they had to practically beg for sex in their relationships. It's nice to know you're not alone, and the truth is that not every guy has a good sex drive! There is even a possibility that the one sided sex is because he's not in the mood, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by turning down your offer. Or maybe he has confidence issues when it comes his turn for foreplay? If you even get him to do anything for you, make sure you tell him how good it was, even if it wasn't really!The second thing is that I relized I have to initiate EVERYTHING in our relationship. On our first date, I put his arm around me because I got tired of waiting for him to do it. I asked him to move in with me when I moved away for uni, and I told him to ask me to marry to him (within a two year window). I don't know why I thought that sex should be any different. So, I stopped feeling bad about myself and stated initiating more often. Now once a week is the new normal. Still nothing to write a sex advice book on, but he initiate abou 50% of the time and I'm happy with that!Don't let your relationship break down over sex issues. There are lots of qualified therapists that can give you and your partner the type of specific advice that will help you through this rough patch easier!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Is your main problem the bad sex? You said he fancies you right. Do you fancy him? Is he useless in bed? Is that the main thing?
Unfortunately, your post was highlighted as a followup, and you might get less advice. Please update, sex issues are very common on this board, and people have tons of advice. Maybe you could also repost another question purely asking for sexual advice. I don't know, please update.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Hi - I wrote the original question. Thanks for your thoughts - you're right we shouldn't just give up. We have previously had counselling (actually before we married) and to honest it didn't really resolve any issues - just bought up a lot of resentment.
We don't have children and I'm now 29 so am very aware that may never happen unless things improve. We've been married for 3 years but living together for 11. Things have been pretty bad for 10 years and we've broken up 3 times but always drift back together.
Someone asked if I loved him on my wedding day - I did but we still nearly got divorced on the honeymoon because of the underlying issues. We had sex twice on honeymoon - both initiated by me and both requiring pornography in the background to encourage him. It really has caused a load of resentment and we've talked about it and nothing changes. For example 2 days ago we went to bed, he had an erection so I went down on him. After about 20 minutes he told me to sit on him (ie to have sex) - I wasn't feeling remotely in the mood. By this stage I was already fed up - had no foreplay and the last thing the world I wanted was to have sex - it's just a complete joke.
I don't want to be a divorcee but this really is driving me mad and I am so resentful and fed up.
Thanks again for all your advice thus far.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 July 2008):
 I agree that counselling might well be the way to go.
I was about your age when i fell out of love with a great guy that i too ended up seeing as a great mate, not a partner. I went to counselling wanting to get the love back. But it only helped me realise in the end that i should end it. 7 yrs on and i realise what a great guy he was and ive met some right dippits since then to be honest! The guy i settle down with in the future, will be like the guy 7 yrs ago. I needed to live it seems, and i have. But after trying the grass on the other side, i now know, it aint all that greener. In fact its no greener at all! But sometimes we need to experience things..
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): You need to get some marriage guidance, please contact relate and make an appointment to see someone with your husband. Stop trying for a baby, use contraception when you have sex, it's not a good idea for you to bring a baby into this situation. I don't know if you have kids already, but you present as aged 26-29 (overage) and currently living in the UK. You need to sort this situation out, you can't let things carry on as they are. Even know your starting to resent your husband. It must be difficult for him if he finds you sexy and fancies you, but you no longer love him. Poor man.....
Why did you fall out of love with him, is it something he did, did you do something. Did you love him when you married him, do you think you can get some of the magic back. How long have you been married, how long have you been feeling like this. Please update, there are so many issues in your situation that it's difficult to see the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, DarkRedhead  +, writes (10 July 2008):
Wow. Sounds like my relationship.
My advice would be to try some marriage counseling if you can afford it. If you can't, or if you are seriously frustrated, keep trying to talk it out. Sometimes you have to be pretty blunt. For instance, a short-term solution to your sexual frustration would be: "Baby, I give you a lot of blowjobs, can't you do something for me tonight?" And then if he says no, don't give in. Stick to it and leave him dry. If he has to take up masturbation again, that's his problem. It is not your duty to one-sidedly keep the sexuality going. Trust me, the frustration and resentment don't clear up with time, they get pretty bad.
This part might hurt: "All these years" is not a good reason to stay together. It feels like it because by now you've built your life around him and fallen into a familiar, comforting pattern. We're humans, we like easy patterns and comfort, it gives us security, and marriage provides both. That doesn't mean it will make you happy, as I'm sure you've found out. If you continue to talk and not resolve anything, your resentment could very well turn into hatred and then you won't even want to be friends with him. Leave him before it gets to that point if you can; sometimes that's what it takes to dissolve a long relationship, though.
If nothing else, the move to split might motivate him in a way nothing else could; it's possible that threat will get you back the man you loved when you were 18, if he is desperate enough to keep you. If he's not, then he isn't worth it and you should find someone who will give you everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): If you can't sort out the problems through communication by yourselves, then the next step is marriage consuelling.
You need to BOTH go. You need to convince him that this is what you have to do, because whether you want to admit or not, there are problems that need to desperatley be resolved...
Seriously recommend this to you, even if is becoming a trade mark answer, theres nothing more you can do.
Keep us posted, and read others advice.
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