A
female
age
36-40,
*wistedbaby420
writes:I've been dating "Ben" for a year and three months. We started out having the ideal relationship, it's been an amazing relationship, there's just 'something' there. Anyways, the past couple of months have been rocky for us. He's been working a lot and eventually it got to the point that we barely saw eachother. This turned into resentment on my part and therefore we started to argue constantly. Both of us wanted to make it work, but I have finally realized that nothing is going to change anytime soon and we both agree that we are just ruining our relationship by staying together right now. We're both tired of fighting and agree that I'm not getting what I deserve out of a relationship and he's not able to provide what I need at this time. So we've decided to take a "break". I believe him when he says he loves me and sees us being together in the future... (we both have stated we wish we would have met a few years later, have talked about marriage/kids, I'm only 19 and he's just 22 fyi) ... so therefore he really wants to stay friends. He says he has no intentions of dating anyone, I however may or may not (I don't want to just 'wait' around for him pathetically). I've always been the type of person to just cut off all communication and move on, but he is my best friend and I don't want to lose him entirely.So considering he claims he sees us getting back together, it would make sense to stay in contact wouldn't it? What would you all advise? Should I keep my communication with him limited to talking on the phone a few times a week? Maybe hanging out every now and then? Or should I end all contact for a month or so and then start talking to him again?I'm also afraid that if we did hang out that we would end up being intimate together. Would that be 'okay' since we are talking about getting back together in the future...? I would normally advise someone against this type of thing, but this break has been mutual and I do have my temptations and since he does want to be my boyfriend when he can give me what I deserve I figure it wouldn’t be totally stupid of me — maybe I’m wrong though. Plus, there’s always that small chance that he’s not being totally honest or that we won’t in fact get together in the end in which case I’ll probably end up being more hurt in the end. *********************************I'm sorry this is so long... I'm just at a loss. Everything is so complicated. I've never felt this connected to someone before and I believe he's being truthful about his intentions. I just don't know what I should do about any of this!! Thank you to those of you that have all of read this and if you can give me your honest opinion on everything, no matter what it is, I would love to hear from you.
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female
reader, Twistedbaby420 +, writes (23 May 2007):
Twistedbaby420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
DVI,
Thank you for taking the time to give me your input. However I must ask you, how am I not willing to meet his needs, how am I being selfish? I see it as being the other way around actually... and don’t worry about being ‘rude’, I did ask for HONEST opinions. :)
With that said, I’d like to point out again that this has all been mutual. We agree that we’re ruining our relationship/friendship by staying together at the moment.
I’m not going to claim that I have been perfect in this relationship, nobody ever is. However I should probably have mentioned before that he does take responsibility for what’s going on right now, admitting that he hasn’t been putting in enough effort. That’s what really gets me. If he wants to be with me, why wouldn’t he put in the effort? My one main need that wasn’t being met was time with him - two days a week was all I wanted (and considering we used to see each other on an almost daily basis I’d say that’s quite a compromise on my behalf)! He insists I am a priority, and I know work needs to come first right now (and probably always should in a sense), but I believe if you really want something to work you can and will find a way. I also believe right now that the issue of time is only going to get worse as I continue to go to school full-time and work, and I don’t see him reaching his own goals anytime soon.
For me to wait around for him wouldn’t be fair to me, because who really knows when he’ll ‘have the time’ for me. I do want to leave the door open, but at the same time since he has admitted to not putting in effort or being the best boyfriend right now, I’d feel almost foolish to go back to someone that can so openly own up to that. If you’re able to realize that you’re creating a problem, wouldn’t you fix it? He says one thing, his behavior says another right now. I do genuinely believe what he says nonetheless and don’t feel like I’m being blind, I usually have a pretty good instinct about these things, but there’s always that chance I could be wrong...
As far as his job is concerned... he didn’t go to college and has finally figured out what he wants to do with his life and how to get there. His whole goal here is to save up money so he can buy houses, fix them up, and sell them for a profit. He’s currently working a full-time for a construction company, plus doing extra building work on the side. I don’t see him reaching his goals anytime soon, which means the ‘problem’ we have now won’t be going away for a foreseeable long time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): No it would not be OK to be physical and a break is a break. I think it would be kinder if you said you would call him in a couple of weeks to see how he is. Then keep to it. Don't contact him between. He eeds to see that you can be cool. Let him call you the time after that, you can make it clear that you would like him to, but if he does not, you have your answer. Don't get into a halfway house. Remember that when men work away or get absorped into what they are doing, they forget to call. They do need space sometimes and you can't make a man want to contact you by demanding it. It stops him feeling good and it does not make you feel good either. You should be making each other feel good, not constantly pointing out why what the other does is not good enough.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (23 May 2007):
 When he says that he has no intention of dating anyone, what he's REALLY saying is: "Please wait for me. I'm going to work it all out." HAve faith in him. If you thought that your relationship was that amazing, are you willing to sacrifice that because you're not willing to meet his needs? I don't mean to sound rude, but you're being selfish. When you accept someone to be in a relationship with you, you accept their baggage, and their problems, as well. In his case, it's work. If you really love him, stick by him and wait it out. If he says that he sees his future with you, take his word for it.
If you're going to cut him off completely, do it, but don't ever plan on seeing or speaking to him again.
If you choose not to, the best thing that you can do is this:
Go over to his house when he's off from work. If you have to, help him find another job that pays better, with less hours. Convince him that he deserves a better work life. You have to be willing to whatever is necessary to keep him if that's what you want to do.
Then tell him that you love him, and you're not just going to roll over and stop fighting for him. Give both of you a better life. It's worth the fight.
DV1
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