A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've been with my bf for almost 3 years and from the start our relationship hasn't been great. We live together but I feel we're more like house mates than partners. We both work a 9 - 5 and while he's really into gaming on his game consoles after work, I prefer to visit my elderly grandparents and see friends. He's fine with this and I'm fine with him and his gaming. We settle down at night and watch a couple of hours of TV but we sit on separate sofas. We don't kiss each other goodnight and we haven't had sex for 3 months. I love him but I'm not "in" love with him if that makes sense. I've been thinking about leaving him but I can't bring myself to do it, even though we've both decided we want different things from life, we just can't seem to separate. I'd feel guilty if I left him because he hasn't done anything wrong but I'm not truly happy. I'm comfortable and content with life but I feel I should be happy. I know he could be happy with someone else who wants the same things as him so why can't he break up with me? It feels like we're an old married couple just going through the motions.Do I end it with him or do I try harder? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Mark, very much appreciated. I know there's no easy way to do it, I just have to bite the bullet I suppose.
Thank you for your response, you've been a great help.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hello,
I guess the only real way to do this is to sit down with him and tell him its over. Easy for me to say I know, but that's the only thing you can do. I know that doesn't sound very in depth, and I wish I could offer a special secret to breaking up that doesn't hurt or make us feel bad but if such a thing exists I have never found it.
I have been on both sides and its not easy but I do think your boyfriend may well be hoping you will make the first move in that respect. Im sure he is thinking the same thing as you to be honest.
Best of luck
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys
Thank you both for your replies. I know breaking up is the right thing to do but I really don't know where to start. This has been my longest relationship and while I've had other boyfriends in the past and have split from them, it was relatively easy as we weren't together for long.
It's going to be hard on us both but I feel I need a clean break. Do you have any advice on how I go about doing this?
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 You write: "I love him but I'm not "in" love with him if that makes sense...."
That makes perfect sense.... and is right up there with "It's not you; it's me" as an opening line for a break-up.
From your description of things - between the two of you - it's time for you to proceed with that break-up....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 May 2014):
Hello,
I think you should end it. The bottom line is that you love him but in the wrong way. You love him like a friend or brother, but you are not IN love with him. No sex for three months, no kisses and sitting on separate sofas means you are now basically housemates/flatmates that sleep in the same room.
There is no point in carrying on with this charade of a relationship because at present you have both stayed together out of routine, and because you live together, to the point where you are going through the motions. The problem with situations like that, is that its easy to get stuck in that rut and loose sight of how little you are getting from the relationship and how little happiness and excitement you get from it.
Clearly if he sits on a separate sofa and doesn't make love to you then he feels the same way as you do. He wants different things from life now and in the future and when you are out with friends and he is happy staying in playing his games. You have both drifted out of love, or realized that the love you have/had for each other is not the right kind of love. As a result you are both acting out being a couple as its easier than breaking up.
You are both basically waiting for the other to take the initiative and do something about this. If you were to tell him you didn't love him and wanted out I don't think it would come as a terrible shock. The fact you don't kiss, have ex or do anything together shows that you are both on the same page about, well, not being on the same page.
You are young, please don't spent too much time in this pretend relationship. You have grown apart, now want different things from life and are no longer really compatible or in love. The kindest, and most sensible thing for both of you is to end it.
Mark
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