A
female
age
41-50,
*osesareredvioletsareblue
writes:Hi everyone! I'm not entirely sure what my aim of writing this all down is, but I suppose I am seeking some kind of reassurance that I am doing the right thing....I've been with my husband for 7 years. We work in the same department (we don't work together) and have lived together for 4 years. We've been happily in love and never experienced any serious problems that a few arguments haven't solved. We got married end of last year and it was the happiest day of our lives. After returning home from my honeymoon I discovered that since our wedding he had started to text my best friend/co-worker and spent the night with her (he told me he was with out with his friends). The only way I found out was by checking his phone. He swears to me nothing happened other than they kissed, so I have to believe him - as he has never lied to me before. I forgave him, because I wanted to - and I told him that it was his last chance. We had only been married a few weeks and he had already broken his marriage vows, but I know that it was most unlike him and I had to accept that he was sorry (which he was) and he wanted to make our marriage work. He has since ceased all form of contacted with this other 'girl'.We agreed to make our marriage work, however a few times he has gone back to parents to have space to think about things, as his feelings were all over the place. He then returned to the house a little happier and said he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. Because of this we agreed on counselling, as he wasn't sure why he cheated on me. The counseller is fantastic and with some discussion it became apparant he ran off to this other 'girl' because he hated arguing with me. On reflection the only arguments we ever had were about him and this other 'girl' - as I noticed they had been getting close and I felt very uncomfortable about it - although again he said nothing was going on there, however I could see it all in the making. So it was a bit of a catch 22 situation - bottom line was he was causing the arguments by behaving the way he did around her.Whilst attending counselling we continued to live at home together and tried to behave like a normal couple - going out together, kissing, cuddling, sleeping in the same bed etc. There really are moments when I feel like nothing is any different than it was before when we were happy.The marriage counselling began to make my husband see that he was independent and liked his own space - something that he felt I wouldn't let him have in our relationship. I really enjoy his company and love spending time with him, but because of me being insecure I wouldn't let him have too much space away from me in case he left me.After a few weeks of counselling my husband was becoming more quiet and withdrawn and constantly miserable. I was really trying to put on a brave face and make him happy but deep down inside I was hurting more than anything. He finally confessed that this fling he had made him feel so guilty about me, and he couldn't understand if he loved me, how could he cheat on me. Therefore he came to the conclusion that he had fallen out of love with me, and said he sees me more as a friend. This came as another complete blow to me, especially as he said a few weeks prior he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. It just didn't make sense. After saying this to me he disappeared again for a few days and switched his phone off so no one could make contact with him. He ended up staying in a hotel although the time on his own didn't really help at all, as when he returned he decided he wanted a trial separation :-(His parents and my friends and family know about the situation and are most disappointed in him and have told him that he is making such a huge mistake. He acknowledges that but says he has to make up his mind himself - regardless of what people are telling him. He hasn't told anyone other than his parents what is going on, therefore our friends treat us like nothing has changed as they don't know what is going on. It seems to me he is most ashamed and can't bare to tell anyone. In the long run I don't see how this is going to help at all.The counsellor has been very supportive of the 2 of us, and as I have explained I am willing to try anything to make our marriage work. My husband feels that having rules and boundaries tied into a trial separation could be enough to make him realise what he will loose. He assures me that up until our wedding day he loved me with all his heart and didn't regret marrying me in any way. The past week my emotions have been all over the place and I'm not really sure what to say or do, as I don't want to make the situation any worse. We have done many though provocking things in the past week - talking, going out for meals, having a laugh, visiting the place where we got engaged, going away for the weekend, speaking to family etc - but he still has these feelings and they haven't changed much. He told me yesterday he has a little bit of love for me - which has given me some hope. He also said 'hopefully' we can sort this out as he wants to, but there is also a chance we can't. I'm not really sure what to make of that.We're going to counselling this week to discuss a trial separation and to discuss boundaries - which will be interesting. He has asked his parents if he can stay with them for at least a month, and they have said yes. Initially his mum was so disappointed in him that she disowned him and wanted him to stand on his own 2 feet - yet now she is welcoming him back. Personally I cannot see how him living at home with his parents is going to be giving him space. His mum will end up doing everything for him, and he won't have learnt a single thing. Therefore I am thinking about moving back to my parents for a while to give him space in the house to be completely lonely and miserable and realise what he is missing. I've had mixed responses about this. The counsellor thinks it's a fab idea, yet some of my friends think that I shouldn't be having to do that and that maybe with his parents around him they could convince him. Hmmmmm I'm just not sure. What do you think?Sorry to rabble on and on, I feel so much better now I have got all that off my chest! I look forward to hearing your comments/feedback/suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to read this xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): First of all, huge hugs for you. This is an agonizing situation. The fact that you're able to write about it with such lucidity and strength, and with such compassion for your husband, tells me that you're a remarkable woman. Secondly, let me say that the way that your husband is behaving is utterly selfish and immature. To be honest, it sounds like he is completely and utterly incapable of thinking about anyone else with anything approaching understanding and compassion. His 'journey to discover himself' is taking place at tremendous emotional cost to others - and most of all, to you. You must be physically and mentally sick with all the strain that you're under. That isn't right, and it's not the action of someone who cares.It sounds to me like your husband knows not only that you love him, but that you will bend over backwards to accommodate him. At some level, I think that he knows that however harshly he treats you, however much he lies and cheats, however much he tells you that he doesn't love you, you will be there for him, with open arms, ready to be loving and supportive back. You're basically giving him carte blanche to treat you like a complete doormat, under the pretence that he is 'in crisis' and 'needs to find himself' (more of this later). The very first thing you need to do is to let go of your fear of abandonment. At the moment, your husband feels that however badly he behaves, you will put up with it. He needs to be disabused of that notion straight away. I know it seems terrifying. In fact, I'm willing to bet that at the moment your tolerance is largely due to the fact that you are SO scared of being abandoned and left by this man that you'll do just about anything to stop him from leaving. You need to deal with that fear - and here I recommend a book by Susan Jeffers called 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'. It's a great guide for women who are crippled by anxiety - and it will hopefully help you to realize that whatever life throws your way, including your husband leaving you, you WILL handle it. Not only is your fear unnecessary (you are far stronger than you think), but it's also making this situation far, far worse. If your husband felt that you had stronger boundaries, beyond which you wouldn't tolerate any crap from him, I would be willing to bet that his behaviour at present would be very different indeed. The second thing you need to do, then, is to draw a line in the sand. Make it clear that he has gone thus far - but no further will be tolerated. He needs to know that there are serious consequences to his actions: that you have a finite capacity for suffering, and a finite tolerance for his lying, cheating instability. You need to sit down and make a set of rules for yourself about what you will and won't tolerate. Decide what you will do in each eventuality. And STICK TO IT. You don't have to be angry or ball breaking, but you do need to be firm. You'll be surprised how much a little bit of self-respect and strength can improve the way people around you treat you. Thirdly, I think you should be wary about your counsellor. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy the therapy-speak in this situation. In fact, it sounds to me like your husband is using the counselling to exert yet more power over you ('I need space... the therapist says so') and ignore your wants even more. I doubt whether he's really reaching any kind of enlightenment through the process: as you yourself note, he's not being honest with himself or with you about the reasons he cheated. In the main, I'm all for counselling, but it's not always the solution, because it's actually very easy for clever, manipulative people to use a less-than-intelligent therapist to validate their behavior and use counselling to demand still more unreasonable things from their partners. For instance, I think you're absolutely right to suspect that the 'space' your husband is getting isn't really helping your marriage. Why would being spoiled rotten by his parents help him to behave like an adult man with responsibilities? And it doesn't sound like separation has really helped in the past. Finally, you need to realize that YOU DESERVE MORE! You are clearly an incredibly patient, tolerant, loving person. You deserve someone who will respect those qualities, who won't try to exploit you, and who will love you for who you are, as much as you love them. Don't accept anything less! Recognize your worth, and your power. I wish you the very, very best of luck. Be strong.
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