A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice - I spent over 10 years married to a guy who put himself first, was never really proactive in thinking of doing stuff together and was selfish regarding his hobbies, career etc. He also put me down and showed no consideration to me when I was ill or going through a difficult time - in fact this made him tougher still. Now I am with a guy (we've been together 5 years) who is attentive, proactive, thinks of stuff to do at the weekends and would look after me with care and attention whatever happened BUT i am pushing him away all the time and have done since we started seeing each other. I cannot let him into my life. He says he never feels like he really knows me or has 'got' me. He was quite pushy at the start which didn't help but now I am hurting him all the time because I have kept my distance and am adamant about being independent because of my past experiences. Now he has moved abroad which he planned to do anyway (long before he met me) and wants me with him desperately but I just cannot seem to shift myself into making a commitment to him - one he deserves so much. I really hate myself for being like this and he has tried so hard to give me time to change / get over the ex. I have been to counselling which has not helped either. I am at a loss - and the worst thing is he has run out of steam now and has said either I move with him (and live with him)or we need to split up as he wants to know what he is doing with his life. Niether of us are getting any younger and now I am in panic mode. I have caused this problem but now I have no idea how to change my thinking. What can I do??
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (14 December 2011):
I think if you loved your new man you would have been able to move on alright. You don't need to ever get married again if you are afraid of being caught in a bad relationship again, but you could be part of a loving relationship. I think you are treating him badly, and that cannot be the action of a woman who really cares about someone. Set him free.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Wow he has the patience of a saint and is clearly sincere.
So, look at how you would feel if he was out of your life and dating another woman, no more contact, no more chances and far away.
That would mean your Ex was still ruining your life all these years later, he would have succeded in spoiling your chance of a fresh start and happiness, because your letting him/it, one bad experience, dictate your future.
The choice is yours and times fast running out.You don't know what you've got till it's gone...........
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Let me re-state your submittal as I see it (my quotation marks):
"I have met a great guy who is everything I ever thought I wanted to have in a man-friend/partner. HOWEVER, I won't let go of my past - which included a 10-year marriage to a guy who was a mega-a*shole. Is it fair to make this delightful man "pay" for the sins of my former husband?"
When you figure the answer to my re-write, then you will have your answer....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Really it is simple, you need to let go of the past. Yes I do not doubt you had a bad marriage and it has left its scars. It sounds like your husband just did not know how to treat you. But five years later you are still with this new guy and still struggling to commit to him. Does that not tell you something. He has tried to give you everything but you will not let him in. You have your barriers up. But you need to allow yourself to trust him. I think deep down you know that he loves you and you can trust him. Deep down you think that if you keep him at arms length he cannot hurt you yet he will still be there for you.
But now you know just how serious he is. He has told you you either commit to him now, or else it is over. Off course this would come to a shock as you. But you know you need to make a choice. Yes it is a hard one. But if you cannot commit to him then you need to let him go. It is only fair. Sometimes the threat of someone leaving us allows us to wake up and see what we have. Don't let it go if it is what you want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 December 2011):
Really it is simple, you need to let go of the past. Yes I do not doubt you had a bad marriage and it has left its scars. It sounds like your husband just did not know how to treat you. But five years later you are still with this new guy and still struggling to commit to him. Does that not tell you something. He has tried to give you everything but you will not let him in. You have your barriers up. But you need to allow yourself to trust him. I think deep down you know that he loves you and you can trust him. Deep down you think that if you keep him at arms length he cannot hurt you yet he will still be there for you.
But now you know just how serious he is. He has told you you either commit to him now, or else it is over. Off course this would come to a shock as you. But you know you need to make a choice. Yes it is a hard one. But if you cannot commit to him then you need to let him go. It is only fair. Sometimes the threat of someone leaving us allows us to wake up and see what we have. Don't let it go if it is what you want. Good luck.
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