A
female
age
30-35,
*irgin18
writes:I really need some good advice with this. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 5 months and we have been living together for 4 months. I love him very much, and he loved me too. We both thing we have a great thing going on together, sure we have our ups and downs, but what couple doesn't? I am 21, he is 26 and we both have finished college with good jobs now. We are also very integrated in each others's lives in all levels, family, friends etc. Since about a year about 1 year ago (when we started planning to live together) I have known and made it clear to him that the reason why I agreed on moving in with him, is because I wanted him to be the guy I was going to do my best to stay with for the rest of my life. I choice him to be the person I want to marry, have a family and share my future with. Well, the problem is that he has never been sure if he wants me to be that person for him and I am starting to think he never will be sure.See, one of our biggest problems is that I am somewhat traditional, I came from a very traditional family where the guy always marries the girl. My parents have been married for 25 years. Since I was little one of the values they passed down to me is that the ultimate form of commitment, love and respect for someone is achieved through marriage. I am not saying that is the right way to see marriage, I respect everyone else's notion of marriage, I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in marriage and that is fine with me, as long as that person is not the one I want to get married to... But sadly for me, that is his notion of marriage, not only does he NOT believe in marriage but he also isn't sure if I am the one for him, although he 'loves' me very much. He says that although he doesn't believe in marriage, he would get married if that is what it would take for him to be with the person he wants to be for the rest of his life, but he doesn't know if I am that person.I gave him a years after our move in date to get to the conclusion. If he is still not sure then, I said I would end our relationship. I understand you can't force things, and I understand people have the right to be indecisive sometimes but I am just worried about waiting for him forever and losing myself in the process. I have been trying to talk about this for the past year, every time I bring it up his answer is the same, he doesn't know. He justifies it by saying no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow (in the future) so no one can ever be sure of things. That I understand but whenever I ask him what does he want, what does he feel, he says he doesn't know because he doesn't know the future. I am not asking him questions about the future, I am asking if he wishes for us to share our lives together. What makes me hopeless is that he wasn't sure when I talk to him about a year ago, he wasn't sure when we moved in 4 months ago, he wasn't sure last night when I asking him again. You would think after 2.5 years of being together and then living together, would change his answer a little, but no, no change at all. Which makes me feel like he won't ever be sure. I don't know what to do, I love this guy more than I ever thought I would love someone, I have done things for him I swore I would never to for any guy. I know that not getting married in the next couple of years will cause a problem, I have been really flexible and budging, but I won't budge with the married thing. I fear that me wanting to get married to him and him not being sure will eventually end us.What should I do? What should I feel? What should I think? Help please.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Plenty of modern men can be completely respectful of a woman and considering marrying them someday, but still not willing to marry them in the near future.
This is modern times. Women have decided they no longer need to live up men's traditional expectations placed on them.
That is fine. But it goes both ways. Men have decided we don't need to live up to women's traditional expectations for men either.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I am sorry to say this OP but I have never seen a man at 2.5 years NOT know if he wanted to be with someone for life or not.
In fact, I've never not known after 3-6 months what I wanted nor have any of my long term partners.
I am pretty sure that for you to get a definitive answer from him you will have to move out.
My dear departed mother was old fashioned (as am I to some extent) and she would say "why buy the cow when the milk is free"
it was a reference to women giving up sex before marriage in a time when virginity of your wife was highly prized.
there were two types of girls, those good enough to marry and those not... the ones that were not were always the ones they had "fun" with but they reserved their respect for those that they married.
IF you want Marriage and it's a deal breaker you are wise to find out now and not waste 5 or more years with a man that is not going to marry you.
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