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male
age
51-59,
*ichyb
writes: Hi im 31 male, been married 13 years have two great kids, i cant stop cheating on my wife, she cheated on me before we had kids. im not paying her back. i just cannot stop cheating, i love her in some way, but sex is not there between us. should i come clean and tell her? lately i feel as though i would be better apart.
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male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Well you sound just like I used to be! I was in a 14 year relationship that was very comfortable, full of material crap but platonic... no highs and lows and no sex for 7 years! Luckily we had no kids. I don't know what happened but my partner just did not turn me on anymore. I did try and talk to her on many occasions but she just buried her head in the sand and did not want to face the truth. Our relationship was not growing or going anywhere and I was becoming increasingly unhappy but did not have the courage to leave.
So I had a series of "friends" and then I had a mistress for 5 years! Living this lie and double life made me a different person, I was stressed, unhappy, controlling and I lost respect for myself and became emotionally unattached with others.
I kept telling my mistress that I would leave but I "had my cake and was eating it" so why change! My mistress noticed the changes in me and fell out of love with me. She broke off the relationship and it was the final straw! I could no longer live in the situation so I left. My mistress never took me back but did me (and my ex-partner) a favour by forcing the issue. I finally admitted that, as idoneitagain says, I was living a lie and the problem lay somewhere else within me. I went to see a shrink and after many soul searching sessions sorted these issues out. I took time to learn what a true loving intimate relationship should be based upon and then I started rebuilding my life in an authentic and honest way! It's the only way! Courage, you can be happy if you dare!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): Honestly I don't understand your problem. I cheated on my husband 3-4 years after we were married, we divorced and he asked me back after 3 months and we remarried. We have now been together for a total of 18 years and have one child. He has cheated on me twice in the past couple of years, one that just ended recently with a secretary at work. You have no idea how devistating this can be to your wife. I live in hell everyday wondering why I am not enough for him. I know he loves me but honestly I have a problem with your actions. I am not calling you a bad person but if you dont want her anymore tell her. I know from first hand experience what this will do to her and it isnt fair.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 January 2007):
It is not true that you cannot stop cheating on your wife, you can, you just don't want to or choose not to. This statement is a gross simplification of your issues, but it is true. You need to recognise that you do have a choice, and that every time you are doing it you are choosing. You just don't know how to choose the "right" thing, or have the strength to.
Here's the deal. You are married to a woman but have a sexually dysfunctional marriage, probably due to problems earlier in your marriage or life which were not dealt with properly. You might also be addicted or compelled to sleep with other woman. Your real choice is really what kind of person you want to choose to be, and what kind of marriage (or relationships) you want to have. Decide if you want to keep your marriage or not. If you do, go to councelling to help you figure out where your sex life with your wife went wrong, and how to get it back on track. If you don't, end your marriage and start to live an honest and authentic life. You deserve this, and so does your wife, who definitely deserves more than what she is getting from you at the moment.
At this point in time, you cannot be honest with yourself, and you cannot be honest with your wife. This is not the way to live. Your choices and behaivour could lead to the end of your marriage, but whatever the outcome, make sure you are working towards living an honest and authentic life. This is the only way for you to be happy and have successful relationships in your life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 You say you love her so presumably you want your marriage to work. Have you tried talking to her about your concerns to do with sex? It's natural that womens sex drives diminish over the years and maybe she thinks yours has as well. Maybe she'd make more of an effort if she knew you were feeling so frustrated. I think you need to get some counselling to find out why you're so into sex with other people but if you really love your life you need to stop all that and work on your relationship with her. Hope this helps.
CD
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 January 2007):
 I think you have got to come clean with your wife, i think she deserves that much at least.
It sounds to me like the relationship with your wife has come to a head, hence why you are making deposits somewhere else. You can't go on living a lie, sit your wife down and come clean, and just let the chips fall where they may.
Good luck
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