A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to start this off but a bit of background...I've been with my partner for two years, lived with each other for 18months. We met when he was at university and moved in with each other after he finished. I didn't go to university, I went straight to work after collage. The problem I'm having is that in the 18 months we've lived together he hasn't managed to find a permanent job. He does odd temporary jobs but hasn't found a permanent one. It's really starting to stress me out. We are struggling to pay bills because he doesn't have a steady income and my salary doesn't cover the rent and bills. We have blown through our savings because of this. I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed, I've tried every way to make him find a permanent job (getting him in touch with recruiters, signed him up to job websites and even had arguments over it).I lost my job a couple of months ago but I found a new job within two days because I actively went out looking for one. So my question is what do I do? The stress is making me ill. He's the love of my life but I really can't go on like this.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 October 2016):
 If hes being lazy then you need to give him an ultimatum. He's not a baby so he shouldn't be acting like one having you looking after him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): He thinks he can carry on with his student life mentality. Sit down and be straight with him and say you've lost all your savings now, this is your monthly incomings vs outgoings and give him a month to find a permanent, full time job. You don't care if it's not what he wants right now - because right now you both need to be able to afford to live. I would say if he hasn't found a job then you will be moving out (leaving him the full expense to meet for the house you're in) and you can go rent a room or return to parents. In a month he could apply for 3 or 4 jobs a day, and the chances of getting interviewed will be higher. Once he has a permanent job then he can by all means carry on looking for a role closer to what he studied or in a field he's more interested in but things can't carry on as they are. He's had 18 months - and you can decide whether moving out would be the end of the relationship or whether you stress to him you're not ending the relationship but can't keep living with the burden solely on you to pay the bills. You're too young to not be enjoying yourself, especially when he has the full capacity to work and isn't.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 Is he having bad luck finding a job or is he just not putting in enough effort? You should not be the one signing him up for work, he needs to make the effort himself. Are you being a mother to him rather than a partner? Does he know how stressed out you are? You both need to sit down and work this out. Can you afford living together? If not then move in to a smaller more affordable place and don't pay his way in life, he needs to do that himself. The moment you start helping him financially is the moment he will take you for granted.
This situation is making you ill therefore you need to take a step back and look out for yourself. If he is not going to try harder then you need to be clear to him that living together is not going to work. Arguing with each other is not good it is only going to cause more stress. I understand that you love him, but I don't think living together is an option at the moment if you cannot make ends meet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 Sit down, make a budget WITH him. SHOW him how you CAN NOT continue living like that. That it doesn't HAVE to be the end of the relationship, but the end of living together until HE has a steady income.
Find YOURSELF a new living situation (roommate situation or whatever you can afford) and end the current living arrangement. BLOWING through your saving IS not a good option AT ALL.
Where he will go is up to him. I think he went straight from home (where mom/dad paid for everything) to Uni (where they might still have helped) to living with you. Since you are working, you are now taking the full responsibility of the "adult" and he is sort of floundering. Which isn't fair on you. AT ALL. You have even taken on the role of the "adult" by trying to "make" him find a permanent job. YOU shouldn't HAVE to do that either. I can see why you are doing it now because you KNOW you BOTH need that income to make it work. But realistically and in ALL honesty, you need to stop. YOU are enabling him.
YOU need to end these living arrangements NOW. Before you go broke. It's NOT worth going broke so you two can love together. The savings should be for those times where you are SO far up the creek that there is no way out except to sue the savings, this IS not that time. HE is CHOOSING to not find a job, to NOT be a "full" partner financially. YOU shouldn't HAVE to pay for that.
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