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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a three year relationship with my boyfriend. We are both divorced. I have two children, one 25 and other 16. He has a 7 year old. In year one we dated and did not include the children, believing we needed to know each other first. In year two we began doing some things with my children but never with his. During mid year two I finally met his child and from then till now we have only had one dinner with all of us together and I can only see his child at large holiday or family gatherings. We only see each other two nights from about 8 pm to morning and every other weekend for a day and a half. He tells me he loves me, says the most wonderful affectionate things, and never missed a month in these 33 months of sending flowers. When we are together it is a perfect chemistry, fun, loving and feels genuine. But any time I ask for more time and more involvement in his life with his child he has different excuses each time. His ex-wife is remarried recently. She had left him and he says nasty things about her but I really don't know details. When I ask it is different reasons each time. He is semi-retired and spends his time working on his home and yard and makes time for many other things in his life. If I question him on this he will say "well if I was working you would only see me on weekends" and things like that. Deeper conversations over the last six months always result in arguing and he will intimate he will end the relationship and if I say OK he then changes and says "I just can't give you what you want, now." When? is never answered. I have become some upset over this feeling that by now we should be more involved and I want to be, that it is becoming an issue every time we see each other and ending in an argument and it's making me extremely emotional. Last July out of the blue for no reason he refused to answer my calls and did not contact me for a week, after which he then called to say that I needed time to decide what I wanted to do with him ??? He refused to speak to me for three weeks. When I finally stopped trying to contact him he called and things then proceeded as if nothing had happened. Now it's July again and this past weekend at two separate parties I saw many people I had not seen in a while. Many many were coming up to me saying "where have you been, we have not seen you in so long" meaning they have seen him and he has not invited me, and they were all asking me about his child, how is she, how's camp and I didn't even know. I spent the first party lying with him standing there acting like I knew the answers because everyone was naturally assuming after 3 years we would do everything together. After the same numerous questions at the second party, at the end of the night, when I was asked again I answsered truthfully in front of our friends and said "I don't know, we don't do that, I can't do things with them, I see him 2 nights from 8-12 and then sleep next to him for a few hours and every other weekend. To which our friends looked at him and said "that's terrible, that's wrong". I believe he was extremely embarrassed and ever after telling me last month that the reason was within him, he blamed the ex-wife. He had told me last month that he didn't know what to do, how to "gel" things together, or even if he could. He said he needed time to think and I had no choice but to wait for him to figure it out. He said he would either decide to move forward somehow or even if it broke his heart he would break up with me because he could not give me what I wanted. When I said maybe we need a break then he turned around and said no. He said he just had to figure it out. If I say anything about a break up he reverses what he says. Anyway, now after this weekend with me telling the truth he is refusing to answer my calls again. I don't know what to do. I am emotional and crying. I love him very much but the hot and cold is really hurting now. I found myself calling him 6 times crying, at least today I only called once and sent one text message that I was going to come over to his house tomorrow to talk but I get the feeling he will message me back and say no or if I go he won't be there. I have given him opportunity to end the relationship essentially handing him the break up but he always says no. I need advice, I am so confused. Could he be afraid? selfish but he says he selfless?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (28 July 2005):
 I think you already know some of the answers to your questions.
This man is committment shy, committment phobic I would say. It seems to be due to his ex wife who appears to have hurt him badly; it is as if he hasn't really recovered from that. As a result, he has bought all that emotional baggage with him into this relationship with you. You have been amazing putting up with all you have and deserve a medal. I don't think he realises how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
He has used several strategies to prevent you from being a major part of his life and been controlling in doing so. He has done this to protect himself but it isn't fair on you.
Everytime you move away from him emotionally, he comes back as he sees his contol over you as easing. Right this moment in time, he has a firm grip over you.
You have been with him sufficient time for things to have moved on to a more permanent level. You have been giving but he has been holding back. By now he should trust you but something deep inside him is stopping him.
My advice won't be easy to adhere to because of how you feel but I would suggest you contact him once more. Tell him you want to be with him, love him but that you refuse to put up with this treatment of hot and cold, involved and not involved. Tell him to get help of a therapeutic nature such as counselling or it is the end.
You can't continue like this. I realise how much you love him but what if you get back together and spend the next three years like this with him blowing hot and cold? You don't deserve to live that way. He has problems that he isn't dealing with and I believe he needs proper help to enable him to come to terms with his insecurities. Only he can do this. You can support him but he has to sort himself out.
Suggest to him that he gets help and explain you won't be treated this way anymore. If he refuses, he isn't worth the pain you are going through. Give yourself time to recover and move forwards. I know how hard that would be, I do, but he may not leave you much choice. You could look back on this situation in a year's time and be relieved that you got out especially if you find a nice, decent and caring man to boot who will treat you well.
We all get trapped in situations and just can't see a way out. This is further confounded by our feelings but there are ways and means.
Please be strong and make your stand.
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