A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for last 10 yrs and have a 4 yr old son. 1st problem: We were planning on having a 2nd baby through artificial insemination(we had to do that for 1st child also). The doctor told us that I can get pregnant but would be better if I lose weight before the treatment. I'm 160lbs currently. I was 140lbs before my first pregnancy. The doctor said my weight does not pose a big problem and usually all her patients are around this weight but she has to tell patients to lose weight as a precaution.Now my husband really took this seriously and told me to get back to 140 lbs or he is not in for the treatment. I don't want more gap between my 1st child and the 2nd. also, i want to get done with family planning and then lose weight. But my husband said that I cudn't lose weight in 4 yrs so I won't do it after the 2nd child.2nd problem: I haven't been working since my first child was born.My husband has been telling me to find a job since last year but I don't want to work till my 2nd baby is atleast a year old.Also, in this economy what job will I get..i'm not qualified enough to get a good paying job.The 3rd problem: is that he has too many 'girl' friends whom he keep in touch through networking sites or at work and I've never been comfortable with all this. Whenever I tell him I don't like this, he tells me I can't dictate the way he leads his life and he will make friends whether girls or boys and that I need to grow up.I've also caught him watching porn and I know he does not find me attractive because of my weight. He has been very clear at occasions about this.He also tells me I'm very insecure and have low self confidence and thats why I'm jealous and over possessiveAll these problems combined are causing stress on our relationship.Please tell me what do you think of all this and suggest me to improve the situation and how to feel less frustrated.
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at work, confidence, insecure, jealous, lose weight, porn, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): sorry to say this OP but why thank Natasia for bad advice such as 'make yourself better than these porn women or watch it with him' What silly advice......doesnt she realise that mature women who are mother simply cannot compete with 20yr olds who have never carried babies....at least not in the eyes of porn dog men who think a body without stretch marks or wrinkles is simply BETTER than a mothers body...its very naive and patronising for her to give you that advise...and to tell you to watch it with him is just as bad as telling you to compete with the women in porn....The truth is you have a RIGHT to being respected in your relationship...You do not have to put up with porn use from a man who claims to love you.....honest truth is , women with self esteem stand up to this rubbish and DEMAND more of their men....I know its hard to fake it if your feeling low, but trust me...Ive been there...4 kids and a husband who thought 20yr old blonde silicon women looked better somehow...despite the fact Im attractive and healthy. and gave him 4 beautiful children.What did I do...I gave him the choice counselling or divorce...now 5 years on we have a strong healthy more intimate marriage where I am respected at last.....and guess what? all that I said to you, was said to me by our counsellor back then
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): I'm the original poster of this question and I want to thank Natasia for her feedback. I kinda knew the answer but I'm reassured by hearing it from someone other than myself.You have put in the words beautifully. I can see you wrote after feeling what I'm going through. You are very kind. thank you for your feedback and god bless you Natasia.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (10 February 2009):
 I hate it when men are mean about how 'fat' we are. I don't know how tall you are, but 160 lbs is 11 stone 6, which, while if you are an average sort of height, means you are a bit fatter than you should be, it doesn't mean you're horribly fat. (I too was 140 lbs, and at 5 foot 8 inches, that meant I was a fine size 10 (size 8 for some things) - I think that's size 8 and size 6 in the States. I am now, 10 months after my 2nd child, a most distressing size 14/16!!!!!! BUT, I know I can get rid of it. You can too.
My advice is this:
1. For your own self-esteem, go on some kind of exercise programme and lose at least 10 lbs. It will also help your pregnancy efforts and give your husband less to talk about. I know he shouldn't be like that, but frankly, you're not going to stop him by crying/being hurt/saying 'don't be so mean' (this sounds harsh, but it's true - I know - from bitter experience!!).
2. Work: you have to discuss it with him, calmly. Give him your reasons for not wanting to work at the moment. Listen to his reasons. Come to an agreement. It's the only way.
3. The daft idiot - a big part of the reason why you're insecure and have low self-confidence is because he keeps telling you you're fat and lazy, and keeps chatting with 'more attractive' exes and watching porn!!!!!!!! He is controlling and mean, but he does also have a point: you need to feel good about yourself, get yourself in shape and get yourself an independent life (eg, through work) before you can expect him to find you more attractive. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation, but your choice is: sort yourself out - without his help - without depending on him at all - and then see how much better you feel (and, as an added benefit, how much more respect he has for you - because that is actually what he has lost) ... OR, feel sorry for yourself (I understand - I would too - but you have to deal with this somehow, and not let it drag you down), continue to expect the impossible from him, and just basically not change your situation at all.
There isn't a comfortable way out - you have to:
- lose weight
- stop leaning on him - be independent
- IGNORE his porn-watching and talking to other women (because he won't stop this, so you have to deal with it)
Re: porn, I know it hurts to think about him watching it without you and thinking about other women, but he is a man, and apparently watching porn doesn't stop them loving and desiring their partner. Make yourself into something more attractive than those silly porn women - create something more tantalising for him in his own bedroom! Or watch it with him ... you have to either embrace it, or ignore it - don't let it hurt you - it means nothing.
Re: talking to others - that is harder to deal with - but the sooner you get down the gym and start feeling better about yourself, the better it will all be. FORBID yourself from asking stupid questions about who he's been talking to -leave him be. Find your own life.
(Basically, everything I've just told you is what I need to do myself!!!!!!!!! Good luck with it - I'm sure we can do it ; )
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