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female
,
*uarteter
writes: I've been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for 4 months. He lives an hours' drive from me. This weekend we talked about marriage. He would like us to get engaged. I was thrilled. I have a son who he knows that I would not move from his high school, so as we are talking about where we could live, he states that under no circumstances is he prepared to give up his house in a village he loves. He "doesn't see why he should give everything up". I have a stable job and family here, yet he has no children and works from home. My mum thinks he is being selfish. I think it may cause a rift, yet he still wants us to get engaged. How can we, when he won't live with me?!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Keep in mind that he wants the engagement that will lead to marriage. He wants the committment. === A man who wants a committment...HELLO!! *wink*
There is always a solution, just hope you two can come to a reasonably agreeable one.
Admit it, you are having fun and happy, even when things don't go as smoothly as you would like. *nudge*
Glad to see you are willing to give it some time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Keep in mind that he wants the engagement that will lead to marriage. He wants the committment. === A man who wants a committment...HELLO!! *wink*
There is always a solution, just hope you two can come to a reasonably agreeable one.
Admit it, you are having fun and happy, even when things don't go as smoothly as you would like. *nudge*
Glad to see you are willing to give it some time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Keep in mind that he wants the engagement that will lead to marriage. He wants the committment. === A man who wants a committment...HELLO!! *wink*
There is always a solution, just hope you two can come to a reasonably agreeable one.
Admit it, you are having fun and happy, even when things don't go as smoothly as you would like. *nudge*
Glad to see you are willing to give it some time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Keep in mind that he wants the engagement that will lead to marriage. He wants the committment. === A man who wants a committment...HELLO!! *wink*
There is always a solution, just hope you two can come to a reasonably agreeable one.
Admit it, you are having fun and happy, even when things don't go as smoothly as you would like. *nudge*
Glad to see you are willing to give it some time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Keep in mind that he wants the engagement that will lead to marriage. He wants the committment. === A man who wants a committment...HELLO!! *wink*
There is always a solution, just hope you two can come to a reasonably agreeable one.
Admit it, you are having fun and happy, even when things don't go as smoothly as you would like. *nudge*
Glad to see you are willing to give it some time.
...............................
A
female
reader, quarteter +, writes (11 July 2006):
quarteter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for two brilliant replies. I agree it is early days, so have deciced that I will leave things for a few months more, and see how we both feel. My son has 3 more years at high school, so who knows. I think it's the mention of an engagement with no future date in mind that freaks me a bit. I feel better for reading these responses! I
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (10 July 2006):
 For me i think this is a little disagreemnt that doesnt needs to be taken overboard.I dont think he is trying to be selfish at all that is far from it.
You should try and see thinks from your partner perspective as well. He seems to love his village and his friends living there as well. I know of alot of people that like small and quiet committees and he has probably seen this as his dream house and neighbourhood.it isnt going to be easy to just give it all up.
I am not saying you are wrong either. you probably have your reason from wanting to stay close to your son's school. You guys have to reach a compromise. If he isnt happy to leave his house behind then perhaps you can compromise at least this time.An hour drive isnt a really long way from seeing your son if he is boarding or dropping him at school as a day student. my school was two hour drive from my home and my parents took me there every morning.
You have to think about your life now. If he is the man you want to marry then both of you have to work together. You cant base your decision on your son alone. What happens when he goes off to college. You wont be staying with him for ever.
You shouldnt let anyone even your mum make this decision for you.she must have made compromises during her time with your dad by following her heart.everyone does. so both of have to compromise somehow because this is just the beginning of a marriage and there will be more challenging obstacles overcome.
whatever you decide i wish you the best. goodluck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Love can overcome all hurts and all wounds.
It sounds like there is alot of ego that you are both latching onto.
Why does he see it as giving everything up? What exactly have you asked of him and how much as he come through on?
I think he went about it all wrong if that is his FIRST and ONLY response to him moving to accomadate your son's needs.
WAIT...
Having said that, do you believe that MARRIAGE first, then children as being unreasonable and lacking in wisdom?
Your son is soon to be moving out and moving on in the world so why cater to him when you can have a future with the man you love?
If you put your children first before the marriage; this most certainly sets the marriage up to fail. Especially in second marriage situations. Children can pick up on such things anyways and it use it to their advantage. Children are clever than most people would like to believe.
If you are a loving, compassionate, giving woman than your son must have these traits as well. So is this really as big an issue as you are liking to believe?
Keep in mind it is four months. Do you know this man and does he know you or is this more you two are still in love with the idellyic people you presented one another?
Engages is still a commitment but also serves as time to get to know one another more.
Do get engaged if this is what you both want.
Can you see his side of why he wouldn't be willing to give up his house? What does it mean to him? Has he already been married and hurt by another? Did he put his all in that relationship/marriage and now he is more cautious?
Is he scared to be in a situation where he will put his all into a marriage and then have it taken away? Have you asked him why he isn't willing to give it up? Why are you asking of him that?
Where is the commitment and forgiveness and sacrifice? That is marriage. If you can not do so now; what does this say of your soon to be marriage?
How much do you love this man? Would you be willing to give up most everything for him? Your life? Then do so.
You can both work this out. Even if it means you "giving in". If you see it like that, then be prepared to welcome in resentment.
This is love we are talking about? You can have true and lasting happiness if you yourself are willing to give your all. Kindness begets kindness.
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