A
female
age
36-40,
*esusfish2003
writes:I just caught my husband who just cheated on me like 2 weeks ago in yet another lie about hiding his porn!! If you've read my last post you saw that my husband of not even 7 months yet, cheated on me (had an emotional affair and kissed his ex while I was at work... all the while I'm thinking he's hanging out with his buddy). But that's the second time he's met up with her and didn't tell me since we've been married. I had to find out everything from her and my own "detective work". I know he's bipolar, but to me that isn't an excuse for all of his lying, etc. Just 2 weeks ago he promised me for the third time (he's had 3 instances where they majorly crossed the line) that he would never talk to or see her again (and she lives 8 hours away, so i'd know if she was up here... i knew last time but she was supposed to be visiting her school and he promised he wouldn't see her), and I can tell that he's really trying with it and he hasn't... but apparently his lies are just continuing on. I need a little more advice now. Ever since I found out that they met up at our apartment and they kissed I've been soul-searching and trying to figure out if I want to work everything out. And my answer was yes, and I know (or knew) that he's trying his hardest too. But ever since then he's been looking at even more porn then he did before and saving a bunch of it on his computer. Of course I know about it/can see it because it's on our computer, but since everything that's been happening my self-esteem has been decresed to almost 0 and I'm getting very insecure about myself. I don't mean to, but right after being cheated on and promised that I'll only be given the world, he loves me so much and will do anything for me... this is kind of a hard blow. I'm told by a lot of guys that I'm really pretty, he's a very lucky guy to have such a loving/caring wife, and he's even said that! So why lie to me yet again?! So we talked about it last night and he said that he understands how I feel and that he's sorry and that he'd delete everything right away. Well, thanks to my handy-dandy spyware I can see that he didn't... he just put all of it into hidden files (I know more about computers then he thinks I do). So one question is, how long should I wait to tell him I know what he really did? I want to tonight, but a part of me wants to see if he gets even more and what he does. And another part is that I'm totally sick of all of the lies he's been giving me. I don't lie to him at all, and I've kept my vows... but I don't know how much more I can take. I want to stay because I love him with all of my heart (and from his reaction of when I left for a few days after being cheated on I could tell that he loves me... at least i think), but I don't want to be one of those weak women who stay to just get hurt all of the time and have to check on him 24/7. I want to at least feel like I'm respected, loved, not lied to all of the time by my husband! Is that really to much to ask? We're still very newlyweds, I guess I'm wondering if we're pretty much doomed or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Hello,
My name is Mel I am from NYC. This is my first time ever responding to anything like this hope it does something. I feel as if I have re read my past few months through your words. First I am sorry for your hurt I cry every day in the shower it’s my only private place left. I am married for 19 months. On my year anniversary I found my husband cheating oddly enough it was with a much older traditional Indian women the whole thing was BEWILDERING to me and family. I worked so hard for 7 years to be the best women then a wife to him .We spent 6 figures on our wedding and was in the middle of building a house in Brooklyn and that is hard I am under 30 and financially we together have done more than the average couple of 50. As we dated I caught so much porn on the computer he always denied it blamed his brother etc but I saw the convos back and fourth pictures of him with me cut out being emailed... He is born in Sicily and I being Irish fell in love with the values that I thought were coming into my life. I should have known our 31 day Italy honeymoon turned into 6 days unfortunately we lost his father and we came back to hell...I respected his family and did the traditional mourning my family felt it was way to dramatic no radio no xmas tree no talk no love no life for one year plus I wore black mind you I am 5 6 110 lbs blonde with green eyes soooo it was very depressing and out of my personality... but I still remained dedicated to his family and him.. We were married two weeks before the tragedy and the two weeks to the day of the mourning ended I found out he was cheating on me with a women he met on the phone chat then it just went further. He could not use the computer anymore I was on to in completely and had it carbon copied to my job. Sorry long story k so shorter version on top of insult to injury I lost my twins during the year and was very sick for about 3 months. So I tried to leave go back home he follows begs and pleads for me to come back and states it will never happen again but how did it happen in the first place I never broke my vows even now 6 months later I cant bring myself to it I though it would help me get over it but my mom convinced me not to that it would hurt me more than what he did because how much control can we give I let him cheat and then I do it just to get him back when I really don’t want to this is MY body. I knew I would hate him more if I did it…..Basically I am humiliated and feel so sad ugly and just so upset what a waste of life this life has become. I have stuck it out and tried everything no to be the typical divorced American but he still has his fast flips I call them. You touched on the fact your husband is Bi polar I feel my husband may be an undiagnosed hypo mania … second stage of Bi polar minus the delusions. I am so hurt and confused do I leave or stay………. But I have given my all and just need it back… my generation thinks dating is so bad we are willing to accept the thing we should never……Thank you for making me feel not so alone.
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 From what you have said, and the fact that you should still be in the "honeymoon period", it doesnt sound as if he has taken his vows seriously at all.
As far as I am concerned, him hiding files away isnt so much as a lie but a complete disregard for you and how you feel. If he promised to do it, then he should do it! I wouldnt waist any time telling him that you know what he has done and that its just not on! He has to be aware that you are not a woman to be triffled with and that if he isnt prepared to stick to his agreement, then there is no point in continuing the relatioship because he isnt respecting you!
I'm sure you will get quite a reaction to that! He will then know that you are not a silly little wife that is going to take it lying down, but also that you know he is being sneeky and that you are going to walk if he doesnt stop his behaviour!
Do it sooner, rather than later!
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