A
female
age
41-50,
*hinking
writes:I recently got married to a man I love very much. Our relationship is good and he makes me feel better about myself than any other man has. We've been together a year. He has a female friend that he talks to and texts on his phone though that he talked to before we got together. When we were first dating, we met on a military base, so every night we had to go our seperate ways to our own rooms. We would get hotel rooms sometimes on the weekends but mostly we spent time together throughout the day. I saw him texting her before and he seemed kind of nervous about it. This was about 2 months into the realtionship. He said she's just his friend and they just talk. I found a picture of her wearing just a bra in his phone and he said that she just sent it to him to show him how much weight she lost. Now weve been together about 11 months and he still texts and calls her. I had a long talk with him once and he seemed quite adament that he is her friend and that I should not be threatened by her. He said if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. Pretty much though, all they were was friends that had sex, that didn't ever engage into a relationship because he was still getting over his ex from before. They have probably only known each since his relationship with his girlfriend from before ended, which was 2005. We met June of 2006. We got married in March of 2007. When he asked me to marry him, he didn't tell her that he did this. He waited a long time to tell her the truth of our relationship. I know she likes him and think she enjoys undermining our relationship, now marriage, by calling and texting him, of course only when she knows he has to leave home to go back to base. He may actually think it's harmless and that calling her and texting her is just as friends, but what girl would keep up what shes doing when she knows hes married now. I know they talked for an hour and 50 minutes a month ago and he got mad that I cared.I don't want him talking to her anymore. He has other friends male and female that I don't say anything about and have no problem with. This girl has sent him sexy pics of herself and may still. I am his wife now and I don't tell him who else to talk to and not, but I am hurt by this and VERY uncomfortable. I feel like giving him an ultimatum and saying to either stop the "friendhip" (umm hello, you don't need a back-up sex buddy anymore, even if you do think you can be friends and married) or I'm leaving to think things over. I don't know what to do, because we have talked about her before and he tries to avoid the conversation. Shouldn't he respect my wishes? I would respect his in a second. I already do on my own, so he doesn't have to worry about other men "befriending" me. Please help me figure out what to say or do. I would love to hear a guys opinion too... I need help with HOW to say it so I don't come off as though I'm trying to ruin or control his life, I don't want this to change our relationship, because otherwise we are happy. I also am afraid his response will be, she's got issues and I've always been a friend of hers. I know she does, he told me once, when he mentioned a list of names of girls he's been with and the similar life issue they all had. I don't care about that reason, and she should be looking for her own relationship, and she should have enough friends and people in her life. I should be the woman he helps and focuses on now. Were newly married and I look at grown men and their relationship with their wives and none of them have other female friends that the wives typically don't know or aren't friends with them themselves. Aghh... I feel physically ill... I'm so scared.. it's like I want another person to explain to him what he's doing and that even if he doesn't see it as a threat to our relationship, it is b/c of how bad it's making me feel. Sometimes when I look at him all I can picture is him laughing and chatting on the phone with her. I feel cheated, and like she sees me as the foolish wife.
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 the whole scenario sounds very worrying.you have no concrete proof that hes cheating but i think theres something untoward going on between them.the biggest pointers are the fact he deletes texts etc from his phone.that unfortunately honey smacks of guilt.ive had the same done to me my ex used to delete texts,hide her no.dissapear to take calls,make out it was someone else and the list goes on.i think it sounds more like flirting and hopefully things havent gone any further?my current partner has been friends with his ex for the past ten yrs(but they have a child)hes been with me for 3yrs and its only been the last 3months that ive had to put a stop to it and been able to put an ultimatum on him saying me or her?they completely took the p... out of me and he manipulates her and runs to her every time there a problem.it makes you sick because like you i keep thinking where are all your mates,family and i actually think shes pretty sad.you and i can only deal with our partners.i know how you feel.it drives you up the wall.no matter how much you try and ignore it the gnawing ache doesnt go away.you have a marriage and should have complete trust.he should respect you.next time she texts take the phone off him.youll be able to tell alot from his reaction.if he gets defensive then hes hiding something.when you said about her sending a pic of herself in a bra my jaw dropped.what the hell would he be like if some old boyfriend/mate sent a photo to you posing in his pants.BIG NO NO.hes having his flirt and his ego boosted.you need to put a stop to it.it doesnt get any easier as i know from painful experience.you can do it.
A
female
reader, thinking +, writes (6 April 2007):
thinking is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your response. I really need a males opinion.First, I don't think he's trying anything or that he's actually cheating, but every time they talk it's after he leaves home to go back to the military installation he used to have to stay at. He would text her or she would text him first late at night. Sometimes she would immeadiately text him when she knew he would already be headed back to base. Only recently did he send her a multimedia text (picture text) and then she sent him two. Although I don't know what they were of b/c he always deletes her texts and his.
What bothers me about all this is everything I said, I just wanted to clarify that I don't actually think he's cheating, but I do know one thing he said to me one time... "I only trust myself as faras I can throw myself..." then he explained it as I don't like to put myself in situations where I can "screw up". Well that's all noble and good and crap, but what he was sying was, he doesn't really trust himself. If that's the case, then he should be the first one to shut this girl out, you know? If he honestly feels he has to live by that statement, then knowing he cut a friend out of his life should worry me more, thinking that "well he did b/c he was actually afraid he would cheat." ... it's so frustrating, don't you think he would resent me too if he was like, "man my wife already wants to go to counseling with me.."
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (6 April 2007):
 You're in a difficult situation. If they really ARE just friends, and you break them up, you husband (if he's any kind of a man) will give in to your wishes and stop contacting this woman BUT he will always resent you for it.
That's what happened to me when I got married for the first time and my wife made me stop contacting a woman who had been one of my two closest friends in the world for many years at that time. We'd never been lovers, just good friends.
Of course if your suspicions are correct and there IS something going on, you've got even more to be worried about because your marriage is headed into deep trouble. If he's wandering so early on, only serious counseling and a lot of good will (which seems sadly lacking so far) is going to save you.
In any event, you might want to suggest to your husband that the two of you do have issues that need to be worked on, and that some marriage counseling might be helpful. As you say, a neutral third party might help him see what this is doing to you and (eventually) to your marriage.
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