A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I need some professional help. But I'm embarrassed to admit it. Or is what I'm going through normal?To summerize, in 2009 I had been dating my girlfriend for 6 months. She graduated college and took a 2 week vacation to visit her parents. I found out during that trip she had been texting/calling her ex boyfriend, 1st love, and met up with him for lunch on the last day she was there. We had just started living together and while she was gone I bought an engagement ring to surprise her when she got back. I talked to her dad over the phone while she was there and he had given his blessing.It really hurt me when I found out about her calling her ex because since we started dating she had never stopped talking to him. A few weeks before we met, she sent him letters saying she still loved him, etc... finally, before she left, we agreed if we were to move on in our relationship she would stop talking to him. (I felt it was disrespectful to me for her to be so close to someone she had sex with before, and still had feelings for not long ago.)Well, when I found out we broke up. She begged me for forgiveness, and swore she never slept with him. I don't know whether I believe her or not to this day. After a few weeks, we got back together. And after months we got engaged, then married. She hasn't spoken to him since. We have a beautiful baby girl just born. I love her so much. And she's totally different than before. So I know it shouldn't matter anymore...But my problem is, every time I hear his name. Or his profession, or even if we watch a romantic movie where the girl is torn between two guys, I get so angry. It changes my mood. And she knows this. She just gets quiet, and it just sort of builds tension. I find myself bringing it up, in passing. And I don't know if it's because I haven't forgiven her or what?I know what eats away at me is the unknown. I wish I knew if she did sleep with him or not. Even if she did, at least I would know then maybe I could put it behind me. But, some days I say, "she's telling truth... nothing happened." other days I think, "you're an idiot. Of course they had sex. She was gone for two weeks and she was calling texting every other day." They were best friends before they ever dated and grew up together.But if I meet someone new, and it's the same name as her ex. I feel the anger inside of me, just at the sound of his name. Even if they say it in movies. What's wrong with me,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): I agree with above answer it hurts a lot, when you hear same name, profession etc and also I agree she did not have sex because that will draw her very close to him and she can't leave him but truth is she gave you a child and she left, yaa there are chances of having feeling for him in her heart that will go away by your care & love, and try to gain her love by loving her if she still appears to be cheater than be hard line on her for not to do such thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I was in the same boat. And it IS a very high, high insecurity. BUT in your case, you have a RIGHT to be insecure.
You have every right to be angry. If I'm truly honest, I'm surprised you ever got back with her. But obviously, you're with her now and you have a beautiful baby girl as you say, so you NEED to move on.
I can totally relate to the whole getting angry when I even hear that persons name on the TV, he/she's profession etc, etc. It just reminds you of them.
I think to be honest you did jump into getting engaged and married way too soon after all that happened. Obviously, it's still normal/natural for that to be still on your mind from time to time.
You need to keep telling yourself, she is with YOU now, and you and HER are married. She loves YOU, if she didn't, she wouldn't have married you.
You have a beautiful daughter and you want what's best for her, so try and forget what's gone on, and think about your future.
I don't think her and her ex did have sex to be honest, well I think if they did surely she would get a lot more attached and surely, the guilt would be eating away at her too bad by now.
You just need more time to move on. Eventually you will, but it will take time. Perhaps seek counselling?
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