A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I deeply and truly love this guy and we've been in a committed relationship for the past two years. However, I have realised (he realises it too, but won't admit it) that we're hopelessly incompatible. We make each other miserable but we still stick to one another, sharing some sort of mutual love-hate relationship. It's been a tremendous strain, mentally, emotionally...and I am at the end of my tether. I've broken up with him and we're about to part ways. He doesn't want to...but I made up my mind that even though I cannot possibly love anyone more than I love him, he's just not good for me, nor I for him. But this impending break-up is horribly painful. I can't visualise life without him. I just cannot stop crying (even right now) and I don't know how to get over my feelings for him. We have broken up several times before but I know hat this time, it's for real. I am so depressed and haven't slept for three days. Help me, please.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): "You are right...we always ***k or fight...No relaxation, no peace of mind...just passion and hostility....Will I be able to live without him? He's become a habit. A painful habit."Hey, it's me again. Yes, you will make it through. I'm not going to lie, it is hard. I am guilty of letting my ex come back as a "friend" and it was one of the worst things I could've done. It was confusing 'cause he started to be the bf I always wanted, but then the ugly side came out again and again! It was horrible and it made me want to hate him (and for me "hate" is a very strong word). It shouldn't take that feeling to overcome something like this. I had to cut him off COMPLETELY (no friendship, no ph/text/email). Overall, it was "Out of sight, out of mind". After a couple months, I was a whole new person. People said I was actually back to myself and HAPPY. It's true,... you lose yourself when you're involved in something so straining and you are always the last to notice.Respect yourself and know that you deserve something great, not just great sex. Take my original advice, stay occupied and most of all, stay strong. Believe me there is a brighter side if you can just learn to let go. Good luck :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): "But this impending break-up is horribly painful. I can't visualise life without him. I just cannot stop crying (even right now) and I don't know how to get over my feelings for him. "We have broken up several times before but I know hat this time, it's for real. I am so depressed and haven't slept for three days. "Help me, please."Hopelessly dysfunctional couples don't PLAN break-ups, they break up. And given back story, final break unlikely anyway. If you haven't parted ways, then you haven't broken up. And if he doesn't want to break up, then you won't be parting ways or breaking up. And very likely anything he doesn't want to happen will not happen. Vow that this time will be different very commendable and heartfelt and well-intentioned, but must for reality's sake ask just how different is this time's this time it will different different from last time's this time it will be different? Probably not much. Until you move out or he vacates, you have not broken up; and likelihood either event will happen is slim if not nil.Just another round in an endless cycle of dysfunction. He's letting you have your fantasies but in the end you will do what he wants and that is stay. You're a blubbering quivering mass of jelly and that's what he wants you to be so you'll stay where you are. And this time's this time will be different will be no different than last time's this time will be different.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 OP , how brave to know that you need to end it and yet how hard. It’s hard to end it when you care about someone but know it’s wrong… as for the anonymous male poster who thinks you should do the submit thing… I agree with you
There is no way that ANYONE should totally be at the whim of anyone else. Why should the woman submit to the man, why not the other way around? Respect and submission are two totally different things. I submit to my man but I don’t respect him. How’s that for a good conversation starter.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): I commend you on calling it quits. In my current relationship, I have felt like this sooo much. We are finally stable (somewhat) and I feel like more of a coward for not getting out earlier. I love him to death, but I would never go through this again willingly. Let me know how it turns out, and the best of luck to you!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Hi OP. I'm the anon male who posted the fourth response.It's only a suggestion. I didn't mean to get you worked up over it. I only suggested it because I thought that your love for him mattered more. A big deal enough for you to ask us for our help. Well, if compatibility is such a big deal to you then yes LEAVE. You are not the only woman for him. Go and find a man that you are 'compatible' with. From your response, I see that you have no respect for him as a man. I may be wrong though. Love does not depend on compatibility. It breaks barriers and crosses distances. If compatibility is an issue for you in the relationship, maybe you don't love him. But I suspect that you do love him. Otherwise you wouldn't have gone through all the trouble to post your question on this site to be answered by a total stranger like me. Anyway the suggestion was for you to take or leave. If it does not make sense, then explain why. Don't just dismiss it as old fashioned. If it does make sense then it maybe is time for you to start evaluating yourself to find out your true place as a woman in the relationship. Final note: Love is about making sacrifices. People who insist on compatibility are not willing to make any sacrifices, to change for the ones they love. You cannot get the kind of love that you want from a man if you are not willing to give a man the respect he deserves from you as a woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Why do you want to drag a dead relationship? You know you are incompatible, you know its not going to work, you know its all wrong and yet you're unable to take the plunge because the fear of actually doing it is stopping you but trust me OP, the imaginary fear is much more painful than the real process. The more you drag it out, the harder it will be.
To answer your question, YES you can live without him. You were living before you met him, didnt you? And yes, he is a painful habit but getting over a painful habit is one of the biggest successes in life.
By hanging on to him, you are not only ruining your chances of meeting someone better, you are also stopping him from moving on with his life. Don't do that OP, if you wish well for him then just let him go and don't get in the way of him finding someone who will make him happy.
If you keep having sex with him and then fighting with him, then its the most dysfunctional relationship which is not going to lead to anything except to a stage where your relations will become so horribly bitter, you wont even be able to part as friends. Dont wait for that to happen. Be strong. Get a grip on yourself and let go of him. Someday you will find someone whom you can have a healthy relationship with but its not with this guy. Just let go of him and dont look back. You can do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet the man take the lead? Let him make decisions? I think you're out of your mind. I'm looking for a partner, not a master. And this isn't the Victorian age. Please! Give me a break.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Would you rather have a guy in your life who enjoys banging you but doesn't love you or a man who you don't see eye to eye with in almost every issue but will never leave you and will always protect you because of his love for you? It is not for you as a woman to disagree with him but to support him because he is the man, the one who leads the relationship. When you start treating your man with respect he will love you and appreciate as well as respect the differences in you. When that happens, compatibility ceases to be an issue. Let him be the man. let him take the lead. Let him make the decisions for both of you. Once you start doing that, your incompatibility will not matter to him. In fact, he will find you more intriguing because of how different you are to him. So start treating him like a man. Give him your respect if you love him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right...we always ***k or fight. Never anything in between. No relaxation, no peace of mind...just passion and hostility. A strange relationship. How will I make it? Will I be able to live without him? He's become a habit. A painful habit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Hey, I completely understand where you are right now in this relationship. I also used to be in a relationship like this and had come to the same conclusion. Within the first year of our relationship, he broke my trust and from then on we were either ^^^g or fighting (no in between). It was chaotic and honestly, exhausting. I mean, I realize that now, but I didn't know it until we finally broke up FOR GOOD. I feel that you're in the phase where you feel you can't be without him ...and that's normal. You've been in this relationship for a while and have grown attached. Although things weren't the greatest, you can still love a person for their good qualities, but don't let this make you re-enter this relationship. Stay strong. You will get over this heartache. Hang out with friends, work more, exercise....get your mind off the situation. If you occupy yourself, you will not have time to stress out. You WILL find someone that is right for you. I know it's corny, but it's true..."When you least expect it, great things happen".
...............................
A
male
reader, Reke +, writes (18 October 2012):
You are making a very hard and courageous decision.I married a woman that I was in love with, but was also not compatible at all. We had nothing in common and disagreed on every issue imaginable.It's going to take time. The hardest part is that you probably won't be able to remain friends. As great as it would be, I tried it, and we just kept getting back into the same situation. We'd try to work things out, then realize again that it wasn't going to work. It's a never ending cycle. I know it's frustrating feeling like it was a "waste" getting your heart into something that you deep down knew would never end up working. But you learned from it, probably more than you realize. You're probably much more aware of what you want in a partner than you were before, and that's important.I'm now remarried to a woman that is much better for me, and who I do love much more that I ever loved my ex.It will be much more satisfying once you do find someone that you are compatible with. Good luck!
...............................
|
