A
female
age
41-50,
*elixia_75
writes:I have a question pertaining to my boyfriend (BF) and my family. First, my parents are from Thailand, but have lived in the U.S. the majority of their life (I was raised here). My BF (white), is not close to his family(abusive upbringing) and generally doesn't want to socialize with anybody that might "inconvenience" him due to his past experiences. He doesn't like visiting my parents or friends, so I feel a bit isolated even though I still visit them. He may have his faults, but he has a good heart. My BF and I plan on getting married in 2 months at a courthouse (we don't care for ceremonies). My parents want to be there, even though it's more of a formality than an event. My BF doesn't want anybody to be at the courthouse. I do not care either way, but my BF states that when telling my parents not to come to the courthouse, I should say that "we" don't want them to come. I am stuck in the middle b/c I want to please both my parents and BF. If I tell them the truth about my BF's feelings and reasons to my parents, he thinks that I do not support him and am betraying him. Since my parents are Thai, family is important and I believe what my BF wants will hurt my parents. I can't talk to my BF b/c I get emotional -- he then gets angry and yells violently, then I get more emotional and then he gets angrier(never to the point of physical abuse though) and tells me to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled baby, in so many words. I am not used to this manner of arguing (yelling, using profanity) even though we've been together for more than 3 years, so it makes me extremely upset. What am I to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): Sweetie plain and simple here tell him either gets counseling ie... anger managment or it is off. your life is to precious to spend with a guy who has issues and does not respect yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): dont do it, if he gets angry like that you dont need to be with him. my ex fiance was like that two days before our wedding he hit me, and it ended right then and there, but first comes him yelling violently when something dosent go his way and then wham you are in the back of an ambulance with a broken nose. seriously this guy does not deserve you. luckally for me i found the guy i am meant to be with and we are getting married next summer, he treats me like i am a princess and he does anything he can to make me happy and I do the same for him. you need someone who would put you first before anything.
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (8 June 2007):
 you shouldn't have to put up with such behavior. Be strong. Point out to this boy that there's a real man out there who will value you and accept your family. Point out that your family will always be there for you.
If it's too scary, the thought of leaving him, then do get counselling. This can't go on. It wont only affect you, but what about your children? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what a "normal" and "happy" family is supposed to be like?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): sorry to say but you should not marry a man that gets angry or tempered easily. now, he is not physically violent towards but later when it progresses he might be! so be careful and think about the man your marrying!! it's your choice.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 June 2007):
 Felixia,
Why in the world do you want to get married to someone like this? He sounds extremely controlling - to the point where you can't even talk with him about things that are very important to you. And what the heck does he mean that you would "betray" him? HE is the one who doesn't want your parents at the wedding - and telling the truth is not betraying anyone! And besides that point, he does not support you having your parents there, so doesn't this mean he is "betraying" you? Double standard! More evidence of control issues.
You say that he does not physically abuse you, but the mental and emotional abuse he is doing is terrible enough on its own. Who does he think he is that he can yell at you to the point where you're scared and in tears? How dare he do that to the one he is supposed to love?? And then on top of it to call you a spoiled baby? The nerve of this "man." Sorry, but this man disgusts me. I do not believe that he loves you. I believe that he is in love with the power trip he is on.
I'm wondering if he doesn't want your parents there because they might try and talk some sense into you to leave this loser. (They would be right, in my opinion, to try and do that.)
Felixia, is this what you want to do with your life? To be married to someone you can't talk to, who calls you names, who yells violently, who won't let you see your family? Do you want to be with someone who disrespects you, who emotionally abuses you, who mentally abuses you, who does things to hurt your family? Do you see yourself going through the rest of your life having to lie to your family because you don't want to "betray" your husband?
So you say "what am I to do?" My suggestion is to please, please reconsider getting married to this abusive and controlling partner of yours.
You say he has a good heart? How? I'm seriously asking this because I think if you really thought highly of him, you would have said something positive about him. But you didn't - and to me that speaks volumes.
And back to the marriage issue itself - if your parents are not there to witness the two of you getting married, there are going to be witnesses there that they just grab from around the courthouse. Legally, there has to be at least two witnesses. I was married in a courthouse, and that's part of the reason my parents and my husband's parents were invited. Do you really want to have strangers there in place of your family?
My brother-in-law and his wife got married just last summer in the courthouse, and they did it in secret with strangers as witnesses. Needless to say, they regret doing that, very much. Are you going to be happy if you regret your decision? You're hopefully only going to get married once, so you won't have the choice to invite your parents to a marriage in the future.
So I say screw what this guy says - go see your family, go see your friends, invite your parents if you want to - because you are supposed to be an EQUAL in the relationship. You're not supposed to be the servant to some facist dictator. Please reconsider getting married. And if you don't - please at least consider couples counseling. This is NOT a healthy relationship. At all.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): He sounds abusive even if its only verbal. Often things like this escalate. As for your family, i completely understand why its important for them to be there, and they should be, you shouldnt be isolated from your family and friends because of his troubled past. In all seriousness i think he needs counselling, and you should go with him. He might be getting angry when you get emotional because he doesnt like to see your pain and violence is the only way he knows to deal with his problems. In the end you need to insist that your parents be their if thats what you want, and you both need to go into therapy to better your relationship.good luck-Myesha
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