A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been friendly with a man for the past 4 years. We met through work we both did at the time. We have got closer and closer over the years. In the past year, we spend at least one day, (if not both days) of the weekend or every other weekend, and sometimes evenings together, just going out here and there as friends.We have been away for weekends, normally in the company of others, and the time we were not in company it was a 24 hour exhibition, and there really was not time for sleep, let alone anything else. We are both very unhappily married to our respective partners, and to be honest we see each other as a means to get away and have innocent fun. He props me up when I am down and I do the same to him. Last year, I started to fall in love with him and I still am, although I cannot tell him. I don't want to say anything, incase he rejects me. I would rather have what we have than nothing at all.Trouble is, sometimes I feel he feels the same, and other times the messages say something diffrent? We have always been extremely smutty and flirty to each other. We always part with a kiss on the cheek, and we sometimes just hug for the sake of it, nothing more than that. If I NEED a hug (as women do sometimes) he will hug me.I look for the obvious signs of attraction, and he does display them at times. Dilated pupils, he blushes at me, during conversation, he looks at my breasts and lips (classic body language stuff). I keep telling him my face is not down on my chest, when he thinks I have not noticed.Sometimes we are grinning like Cheshire cats at each other, most of the time I don’t know why? Or sometimes he can’t talk seriously to me, as I make him laugh too much, wouldn’t mind, but all I am doing is smiling!? He offers to take me here there and everywhere, so much so he is now referred to as the wife and the keeper of my diary. We seem to plan all our days out together, as we just love the same things.He also does the negative things, tells me about women he thinks fit, but then I do the same about who I like. Usual non threatening people, film stars\pop stars etc Almost everyone we know (friends etc) think we are having an affair when simply we are not. A few of our close female friends have actually said to me (but not him) many times that we make the perfect couple and we should be together, and to be honest they are right (in my eyes) but I can't muster any courage to push. Incase in his eyes they are wrong.The times he says things, I pretend I didn't hear him, which infuriates me after. So I guess he feels I reject him? Example, during conversations with friends, they were saying about in their youth they had sex in a car, I said I had never done that. On the way home in the car he asked if we should find a car park. I asked him what he said. I didn't hear you? He just cleared his throat and said nothing!Another time recently, he was dropping me home, after we met up with friends at a pub, I was extremely drunk and instead of the usual hug and peck on the cheek, I said to him "goodbye I love you!", then I realised what I said and said "well I don't but I do, oh shut up" and he gave me a full on kiss on the lips (yes he tried tongue) but I walked away. I then glossed over it the next day saying how drunk I was. I guess I have always been hopeless when it comes to expressing my feelings, especially when I have so much to loose. I am hopelessly in love with him, but I do all the wrong things to throw him off the scent of how I feel because of the fear of rejection and the fear of loosing, what I feel is my soul mate.I do not have a very high opinion of myself anyway and I do not feel or think I am in anyway shape or form attractive. I even said that to him at one stage. He said that I have a beautiful smile and that I have the biggest personality of anyone he knows and my beauty is on the inside. Bloody great that huh!? WHO can see that? He knows things have been tough for me recently, what with one thing or another and he said I need a break from everything, just to re-charge my batteries. He has pushed me to go and stay with one of our friends for a few days, just to get away from it all. Which I will do soon. He also said maybe I need a break from him too? I said to him why on earth do I need a break from you? You are NOT the one causing me problems, to which he flashed a big smile, so I took it that he was "fishing" maybe I was wrong? And he wants a break from me? When I come back, he is picking me and my friend up (who is coming back with me for the weekend) he is taking us both out for the day, then we will be going to a pub he knows I love, and can only get to if he takes me.I never contact him at home, only by email if I need to, if there is a phone call to be made, he is the one to do it. He called me last Saturday, things were obviously as crap for him as they were for me, he was saying how fed up he was, I said don’t worry I will see you tomorrow. He just said can we not just fly off together away from it all, I just said if only, that would be nice. It was not mentioned again the next day, we just had fun. Sorry for my ramblings, I am just completely confused and at a loss.... I don’t know if he just sees me as a very good friend, or something more? My friend said she will watch how we are together when she comes out with us then, so she can tell me what she thinks? But then she said she is just as bad when it comes to sussing out men anywayAnyone out there who can pick the bones out of all that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe again....
My husband & I are now living in seperate rooms. And the freind, well I have pulled right back from him now.
It is not easy I can tell you. He is trying to get days out for us organised this year. (none with his family though?) So far I have declined each one so far. which is hard, as I have wanted to go, but want to back off from him.
He even made the point the day before to remind me what he was doing, and I said the answer is still no! He looked very dissapointed.
The day after, he said it wasn't the same, as I was not there and he missed me. So he said he may not go there again unless I go again. He keeps telling me he wants the old me back as he misses her. I just said she is away..But in relaity, the old me cannot cope with being a homewrecker.
So it looks like this year is initially going to be as painful as the last ended. I think that if neither of us were married, I would not be going through this angst right now.
Although I am pulling back, he keeps putting himself in my face. He emails or calls, about nothing really. I think he is just making sure I don't dump him altogether? Life........just sucks at times
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dearkelja for all your help, let's see what the new year brings. New year new start and all that
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Then your options are 1) be his friend and nothing more or 2) continue along your path of parting ways. My feeling is that you should part for at least awhile. The relationship he has with you he should be having with his wife. But since he is getting his needs met with you, he doesn't need to work on his marriage. I do think that if you continued with this strong friendship that it would evolve into something more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh god this is not going to be easy!. Tuesday Night, I sat him down and said this is it, we will have to go our seperate ways for the best. He was extremely upset. He said people like us do not come into each others lives that often, if at all. He would be truly upset if we decided not to see each other again.
He said what we have is so special, that a relationship would just get in the way.
I know the air is a bit thin up here in Yorkshire, but I really can't think straight anymore and don't know what to do for the best? I don't want to loose him (even if it is as a mate) but I can't see any way out?
Sorry for so many questions, but I have nobody to talk to about it. My brother doesn't seem to understand what he is saying. He is a true Yorkshire man, you shag, you don't. He doesn't understand why this man has such "ponsy feelings and wants to keep me close " as he puts it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again. I think it is best that I call time on this freindship then, before anymore hurt is caused.
He knows my husband & I are seperated and sleeping in different rooms etc, he knows all of that.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (9 December 2007):
By him saying you can not have a relationship I think you are going to have trouble getting over your feelings of being more than a friend. He has spoken and I believe what he is saying is that he is holding on to his marriage for whatever reason. I think if you continue to be close that there is a danger in becoming physical and it still wont mean he'll leave his wife. In fact, he will be thinking, "hey I warned her, told her that we couldn't have a relationship."
Both of you are getting your emotional needs met with this "friendship" so there really isn't a need to divorce and move on-for either of you. Perhaps you should tell him your feelings and see how he reacts. Does he know you and your husband are finished? Are you separated, filed for divorce, sleeping in different rooms? It is possible that if he finds you have feelings for him he will not want the complications of that kind of relationship and he may discontinue the friendship. You should be concerned what people think of you, including your friends. I don't agree with just shrugging it off. Eventually you will be the woman scorned. I think you are going to be very unhappy down the road if you continue with your feelings and don't communicate to him how you feel. I think you need to tell him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers so far. There is another update now
I have sort of approached the subject in a round about way. Thursday we were out with a bunch of mates at the cinema. They did their usual what's going on with you two guys. Later I told him this keeps being asked and I am fed up with it.
He said shrug it off, as he does. I said I cannot anymore. I said we need to stop seeing each other. He said we can't go our own ways as we are so in tune with each other in everyway it is scary but he can't see a relationship working between us. He asked me do I want more from him that he is able to give? which I denied (bloody coward).
I spoke to my brother and he has said that means two things A) He aint interested period or B) He is interested but he doesn't want to reveal his own feelings knowing how fragile I am right now and he is sparing me. He also said that maybe he is not there in his own mind to face the thought of a divorce because of his kids.
My brother said why would he make a point of saying we are completely in tune with each other but not fit for a relationship? If he don't want to be with me, why would he point out good parts that most marriages\relationships simply do not have? (like our own for starters)
My brother thinks that if he was not interested, when I also said to him we need to stop seeing each other he would have agreed, rather than beg me not to cut him out of my life, which I said I would do. My brother also said he would not have made a comment that I had a nice new top as men just don't do that.
On friday, I sent him a text saying sorry for upsetting him with my outburst, he said he is ok and for me to make sure I don't lock the door on him and what we have.
I don't know if my brother is just being kind to me, as to not hurt me and spare me upset, or if there is any hope?
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 December 2007):
Then I think if you want to go for him and he is still with his wife that you should ask him "what is up with us and where do you see this heading?" Otherwise you will be left with not knowing which will drive you crazy and perhaps make you do things you may not have done had you known the score with him. I know it will be hard for you to do but if he rejects you now it will hurt way less than if you continue to go on down the road and you find out later. Who knows, maybe he's just waiting for a clear signal to move things along. Though please proceed with caution as you don't really know what his marital status or plans are. Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband knows the marriage is over, I have told him. I have told my friend this too. As far as I, and my husband are concerned is we are now both single.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 December 2007):
What have you done with your marriage? Did you sort out all of your issues and are proceeding with a divorce? In my opinion, if this man is flirty with you and you are still married then he probably enjoys the flirt without committment as you are unable to make him commit to you if you are married. I think there is a danger in this relationship escalating and if he were a decent man he would come right out and put his cards on the table....after he left his wife. I think you are flirting with disaster. Please don't get emotionally involved with a married man, especially if you are married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am now even more confused than before. I just wish he would say I am attracted to you or I just want to be friends.
I had a week away. When I last saw him on the friday, I purposely tried to put him out of my mind and I made a pact with myself I would not contact him on purpose, give space. By Tuesday he had called me, just a quick natter, he then remembered the next day when I was flying away to text me "safe journey", then a quick text on the Thursday about something else.
He picked both me & my friend up from the station when we got back and took us here there and everywhere. In the car, he was being very flirty and teasing. I told him to behave, he said he had missed me and had to catch up on the teasing for when I was away.
In the evening, even thought there was four freinds together, whoever he spoke to he looked directly at me, his pupils were like saucers all the time. It got to the point that he was being asked direct questions by the other freinds and he replied to them looking at me. I felt like saying "They are over there, I didn't ask the question"
Later on were were all at a pub and the drink was flowing and things got very saucy, it was flirt central and I admit I thought if I can't beat him join him. And we had a right laugh, as we always do. The other two freinds were just innocent bystanders and just laughing at the pair of us.
One of my freinds (who was to suss out the situation) said she could see a heavy sexual chemistry between us, almost as if we are in our own world excluding all others.
The trouble is, I know how I am and how I feel, but I don't know if it is because he is just a good freind to me and feels comfortable in my company he is acting this way? Or if it is how I feel about him is making me missread how he is to me as something more? I just don't know what he thinks? I can't exactly ask.
I think the thing that worries me the most, if the day comes he does walk out on his wife it would break my heart if it was for someone else, because he didn't know how I felt. I guess all I can do is wait on the sidelines if ever it did happen?
Any advice would be welcome
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice! I must be extremely naive and blind. I can’t see it as an affair? Nor can I see there is any attraction on his side? I just felt his comments were of typical blokes, just trying his luck at those times? Maybe I am wrong?He has never said outright he is attracted to me and wants to be with me?. So as far as I am concerned he isn't and doesn't. Maybe I am so damn good at hiding my feelings for him, from him, I can't recognise his for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I have to agree with Dearkelja. Your having a sexless affair and you need to disolve your marriages before you do anything else with him.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 November 2007):
OK..You might not be having sex but this relationship is definatly an affair. You are emotionally tied to this man who in my opinion wants more than you are giving. But please do not do it until you resolve your marriage and he resolves his. If you continue with this affair you will not grow out of your marriage because he is fullfilling your needs and you his. Either work on your marriage or get a divorce. Then the two of you can see what happens. I wish you the best.
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