| A
male
,
*unkyAlex
writes: Subject: Almost 20 years married, no sex for almost 8 - ready to finally leave.I never thought I'd be in this dilemma. I just hope this experience will help someone.I've been married to the sweetest and kindest woman I know for almost 20 years. When we married, I considered her (and still pretty much do) my soulmate. Our marriage in the first 10 years was stellar. We were always very affectionate and our sexual life was very healthy with plenty of exploration and open mindedness. Man, we were like rabbits!10 years later, we have grown apart and the sex dropped completely off. We've been living in a state of denial ever since.She's now way overweight (obese) and I can't stand to look at her naked. It makes me feel superficial and I hate myself for it. I believe in our wedding vows VERY MUCH. Otherwise, I would have left a long time ago. But with all the depression and anger I feel, things have come to a point of diminishing returns.I've recently been in counseling and my therapist suggested (practically insisted) that I be up front and honest with her - which was excruciating. It was devastating to both of us - but especially her.After years of denial, she now knows how I feel. I told her that I don't have a physical attraction to her and I don't know if her losing the weight will get it back. I had prepared to leave - I had an apartment ready to move into and did actually leave the house. But after only a few hours I was worried about her and went back to the house. She pleaded with me to stay and try to work things out. I asked her if she honestly thought we had a chance. She said, "We're both pretty stubborn, but we should try together." I can tell you - it was easy for me to agree to that. But now, I don't know...I'll be honest - I'm afraid to make the break. After all the years of being sad and in denial, only to go to an even lonelier place. I'm pretty angry too. I'm in my early forties now, and I feel like most of 30's were wasted living like a monk. Well, I'm no saint, I guess. Worse yet, I'm feeling the eventual tide of E.D. I still masturbate - but lately it's just making me cry to think how long this has been going on.And I feel like the worst of men because I'm losing hope in the ideal of "better or worse." Accepting the idea of living this way till my dying day is probably the single most upsetting thought in my head. Is the "right thing to do" to stay in misery?It's now about a month since I threatened to leave, and everything is still the same - the cycle of denial is starting all over again.There's so much to explain, but I'm afraid my question will be considered too long. We are about to enter marriage counseling with a professional Therapist who is also a Sex Therapist. But I was the one to initiate it - she would be happy if I would never make the appointment and the denial would just continue like it is.I hate myself and this life and am losing hope.
View related questions:
overweight, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, FunkyAlex +, writes (8 November 2006):
FunkyAlex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne session and two more scheduled. So far, so good. My wife likes our Marriage Counselor (who is also a Sex Therapist) and so that is a good start. Already some light is shed. I guess I wasn't prepared to be psycho-analyzed, but if it's going to benefit us both I am willing to try.
Keeping my chin up, and will keep you all posted as this progresses. I think there are a lot of people in my situation and hopefully this will be useful to them.
Peace until later.
And on a brighter note - Rumsfeld resigned!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): You have so many postives in your marriage, it is a pity that the negatives were compounded for so long but you still have the counseling to explore - give that a chance as you do not know until you try it how much that may help your situation. It seems that you have such a strong wish to keep your marriage together - you cannot leave until you are 100 % sure it is over - your final doubts will be answered by the counseling - it is good that you are now making a constructive effort to put things right - if you have stayed in there unhappily for 8 years there must be a strong bond holding you which is worth every effort to sustain. If you can recover your sexual happiness, try not to be bitter and regretful for lost time - you did your best at each stage of the process of recovery as your relationship took its particular course.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): Okay take a deep breath. It's great you are going to counseling maybe if she hears the therapist tell her to shed the weight she'll listen. It sounds to me that as she gained the pounds she felt less and less attractive so she stopped the sex and found solice in food. It can spiral back the other way as she starts losing the pounds. If the weight issue is not addressed then you may need to take that apartment again. By the way if you do go your separate ways, don't hole up in that apartment, get out and meet people and you'll be amazed at what you may find.
...............................
|
