A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll make this as short as I can, but please read..My boyfriend is overweight; his last relationship was not a happy one, and he's said that due to the unhappiness he had been overeating and had gained some weight. However he said that he was wanting to lose weight, and I got into this relationship with that in mind.I feel heartless and helpless-- fitness isn't a HUGE thing with me, but I stay at a healthy weight and make sure not to pig out too often/get a little exercise. I'm within normal range for my weight (5'4", 130lbs-- not stick skinny, just a healthy and normal weight), but he's 6'0" and 235lbs, and it's not muscle.He stated that he wanted to lose weight; we've been together for year and a half, and while he seemed to lose a little to get down to 235lbs that he is now, he's stopped at this point; I think that he needs to exercise to continue weight loss, but he hasn't taken any initiative on it and any time I've tried to just bring up us taking a walk or going to the gym TOGETHER, he shrugs it off.This has more or less killed our sex life as he is still attracted to me, but I can't help being turned off by his stomach because it hangs/overlaps. And yes, I feel terrible because even though I love this guy, I can't "get it up" as a woman and am now more or less having sex out of a feeling of obligation and wanting him to be happy and not feel bad about himself.I just don't know what to do-- I don't give him harsh criticism, I make sure to include with any fitness activity that I'll go with him unless he wants to go solo, I offer to cook (just healthier options, no crazy health food cardboard), and I have talked about the health issue (being as sensitive as possible to the topic), but nothing has seemed to work.Mind you, it's been a year and a half, I've kept myself healthy and stuck with him on this, and he knew getting into the relationship that this would bother me, but I took him on his word that he wanted to get just down to a healthy weight-- I'm not asking him to be a body builder.Is there anything else I can do that might help him lose the weight, or should I give up on him losing and just make a choice to stay/leave having accepted that he probably will not change?I'm not really expecting replies, but it feels better to put this question out somewhere. The guilt from these feelings that I can't make go away is terrible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): You have to end this relationship because it has ceased to function as an intimate romantic relationship due to the fact that you no longer have that connection to him. It will be devastating to him, initially, but he'll move on eventually. if you stayed on it would just mean that the whole relationship is a sham and that would be worse I think. People can deal with break ups, it happens every day, it's not the end of the world in fact it's the start of a new chapter for both of you. But continuing a sham relationship based on dishonesty and hiding of true feelings is staying stagnant in a bad place.
you could also very well be doing him a favor by breaking up with him because he needs to take responsibility for himself. If he wants or expects to have a romantic/sexual relationship well then he should make sure he does his job to make himself sexually desirable, dont' you think?? and not feel as if he is entitled to such a relationship regardless of how he maintains himself??
A good personality is definitely important, but it's not in and of itself enough for a relationship to be more than just good friends. I have male friends that I consider like brothers, we are there for each other in difficult times and have for many years. I have met their families, they have met mine. I check out their girlfriends and give my opinion, and they check my boyfriends and give their opinion. But there is zero attraction between us. They have great personalities, that's why I love them so much and am honored to call them friends. But there is no sexual attraction and that is why none of them have been my intimate partner nor did I marry any of them. there is a difference.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I'm sorry you're having so much guilt about your feelings towards this situation, and it's good you have posted and shared your thoughts and feelings.
You definitely have the choice to stay or leave based on the fact that going in "he said that he was wanting to lose weight, and I got into this relationship with that in mind."
You have done everything right, by looking after yourself, eating right, not being too rigid and forcing him, etc. You have been a support for him, and encouraged him, and tried to suggest activities he could do to get to his goals.
It's worked to a point, and now he is on stalemate. Why? because you can push a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink. So, even though he KNOWS it's something he must do, for his own health, for his hot girlfriend, for many reasons, his mindset is not ready. Again why?
Because he was hurt by his previous relationship, he is still processing that and coming to terms with it, so until he feels better, he can't push himself out of this slump.
So again, your choice is to accept it, or leave. You can share with him how you feel, that the excess weight is not attractive to you, and see if that helps, but I'm sure it's a struggle for him.
You say you LOVE HIM - then you need to give that love a chance by doing everything you can, before walking away. Instead of working on the outside, work on the inside - his heart, his self esteem, his ideals, goals and dreams. I'm sure he knows losing weight is important to you, and it's just another to-do item on his list of other problems. I would say get him support and help for the previous relationship, counselling if required, or research, and help him get happy again which will excite him again, re-join the land of the living, and wanting to live life fully. He is down, but not out. Help him if you love him. Or accept him as he is. Or leave him - and someone else will appreciate him as he is.
I must tell you, since I met my boyfriend, we were both average weight. Not over or under. However, his father had just passed away, and in the past year as he has processed the feelings of grief and bereavement, he has put on weight. He too has a tummy, but you know what? He is still VERY SEXY to me, I am attracted to him, with or without the tummy. I love him, his heart, his nature, who he is, and I have seen him at his worst - grief, down and out in life, and if that is him at his worst, I can only imagine how he will be when he is at the top of his game again. I am keen to support him through the ups and downs, because he is an amazing man, and weight is a temporary thing. It goes up, it goes down, it's just weight. It's the MAN, his HEART, that matter. The same when we age. If we are going to one day not love our partner because of wrinkles, do we truly love them? I know one day when I'm old, I will love him and vice versa, and the wrinkles will be a sign of our life, of the lessons learnt, of the times shared, of life.
Try and reverse the situation. Imagine something bad happens to you, and you lose the will to exercise, you comfort eat, and you go through a slump. You meet someone, they like you for you, and you tell them you intend to lose the weight, but you are struglling to come to terms with whatever the situation was. In time, you haven't lost the weight, and they are now not attracted to you anymore, how would you feel? Trapped inside the bigger body, is still the SAME PERSON. With a good heart, a loving heart, and all the same thoughts and feelings.
I don't know if any of this has helped you, but if nothing has, and you feel you can't take it, you are totally turned off by him, then your choice is made. If however you love him and want to wait for him, then help him through it. Be there for him, and forget the weight. Focus on HIM, his goals and dreams, and just be his soft place to fall.
I wish you happiness...
xxxx E
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