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female
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anonymous
writes: Wedding is Next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all!I (27 years old)can not believe I will marry a man(29 years old) I have lost sexual interest in him for almost one year, he is kind,loyal and giving, but he is not my type. At the beginning of dating, I thought he is the man I can trust on since before him, I was dating a player and I got badly hurt, he is sort of rebounce but we both invested too much time and emotions in this 5 year old relationship. I want to tell him the truth but I worry to hurt him badly, this year is his last PhD year and he is very stressful. What he invested into this relationship is much more than I did, also we got family involved into this relationship, his family financially help my mother's business a lot after my father passed away. He asked me to marry him since last summer when I was not ready, now I still feel the same way, but he questioned why did I date him at the first place? He is a nice guy and I dont want to hurt him and he will meet a wonderful girl for sure, I and my family wanted to return his favor through a certain amount of money but he would not accept, the only thing he wants is marriage. How can I persuade that it won't work since I dont love him any more and we can not be a couple? I felt sorry everytime he questioned me why I can not love him especially after he had done so much for this relationship emotionally and financially? I and my family didnot ask him to do that at all but I know that was the way he showed affection, I hated myself why the feelings fade and I really tried to persuade myself to marry him since he deserves that-so every morning "not marry him" idea comes up and every afternoon "marry him then divorce after one year" idea comes up-I am kind of jumping around these two ideas and got really depressed and could not focus on my studies at all.How could I do? I can not believe I will marry a man for returning his kindness? He invited his family fly over from another country to attend a small wedding next monday(which I didnt want, I rejected his idea of purchasing a ring and refused a wedding except family member, he begged me to save his face since all of his friends know he is going to marry me). I told him I might run away from the wedding but I dont hurt him in that way, but I will hurt him anyway since I am really not into him any more and can not give what he wants in marriage-it is just too much I can not handle it at all-
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 The time for talk is over. You need to get on a plane and leave NOW. It sounds like this guy is so far removed from reality that I agree with your family - he actually could hurt you. He doesn't have any respect for your wishes, hopes, and desires. It's hard for me to understand what you mean to him, but I can guess that he has a very warped sense of the real world.
Leave NOW and start living life the way you want to, not the way his deluded mind expects you to. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont live with him, we live in different cities actually. I arrived here last Thursday for an one-sided marriage,he arranged the date, he planned everything which I refused to do because I can not do that. I cancelled my fights twice in the last one month, but in any case I think I need talk to him face to face. I am now talking to him, fighting, hurts, tears- my family really worry he might go extreme and hurt me-
I need talk to him again today after he got off his lab-
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 June 2006):
After reading your responses to our counsel, I will reiterate:
We are NOT here to give you the backbone you so clearly lack.
But it seems like you are destined for a marriage you will never walk away from. You say that you will divorce him after a year. You won't. Given your utter lack of self-respect, the logical and inevitable course for your life will be a loveless marriage.
If you followed your instinct you would pack some things and leave NOW. But I suspect you won't choose that option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): easy answer...dont get married...i know its hard to hurt someones feeling's..but its something you have to do...you have to worry about your happiness right now..not his..becasue marriage is a big thing
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 So you agreed to get married when you didn't want to, and haven't had the guts to cancel. And he is spineless, wanting to still get married when you say you're not keen.
To be fair, you both sound as daft as each other... I say get married, you're probably a good match.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (20 June 2006):
 You cannot marry someone because you think it is repaying a debt!! Marriage is about love commitment and being there for one another. You fell at the first one, Love, you dont love him! What would be the point in marrying him just so that he can complete his PHD!? Why is that so important that the marrraige will make him pass ? I dont get that, he should want to do that for himself, but is using this a way to get to you... Surely someone can be there for someone around a time like that and not be married to them ? So your thinking of marrying him, and then after a year getting a divorce ? Yeah like its that easy!!! Do you really think that hes going to let you divorce him that easy ? What if he doesnt want to let you go this could drag on forever!!! Then there is the cost of it all... you really cant marry someone just to get a divorce like that, so that your concious is clear... are you nuts!!!? YOu do not love him, the more he goes on like this the more you will resent him. Yes hes been good to you, but thats life, we dont all say things like well i paid for this, and i did this for you, and all this etc, so the least you could do is marry me!! We do things for people because we want to, not what we get out of it. hes now throwing back in your face all the things he did for you... well if he feels that way about it why did he do it all in the first place! YOu really would be silly if you were to marry him, to just pay him back.. that really is mad, and then you will be trapped, it will be hard to get out off because he will make it hard and the turmoil of all this will be ten fold worse!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): I suggest you do NOT marry him. Feeling sorry for him and being empathetic is fine, but if this makes you unhappy, simply do not do it. Yes, there are a lot of things between then and now, but no matter what history fills in between then and now, you have to think about yourself. I know this will hurt that guy... It's unfortunate, BUT, love in my belief is quite selfish. There is a contradicting term here, but I'm too tired to explain it right now.
He said he and his family will lose face. That is number 3 reason you should leave his ass. He said that he needs you to complete his PhD, and marrying him will solve that. That is number 2 reason you should consider that he will continue to use some fucking excuse to make you stay with him, because if you agree to this shit, you will agree with the rest. He makes you try to feel guilty, etc, etc. He was kind to you, he did a lot for you, he gave you a lot, etc, etc, but that was out of his own choice. He wasn't forced to. Any man can give anything to any woman, big stuff, small stuff, but if the receiving partner just doesn't feel it, feel a connection, then whatever material, shelter, or emotion that person gives, is just gone to waste anyway.
Will you continue to fuel a car that has a hole in its gas tank?
[sigh]
I'll relate. I did a lot for my ex, BUT the difference was that I told her outright that if she felt she can't be with me, then she would leave me. No more details, but take my heed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree this is something I should have confronted and resolved one year or two years ago. I am also very sad to see this ending, otherwise I wont be so undecisive for such a long time and very depressed now. We went through lots of hard times and we supported each other to survive. He was almost ruined when his grandmother and his mum passed away within the same year due to some family issues, I went to see his family and helped with the hard time and all of his family treated me like his wife that time and I do respect them a lot, if I dont marry him that would hurt anyone-
Dont know how to divorce in U.S., but if he feels much better if I can marry him once, maybe that is the solution I should pick up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to him today that I am not ready for marriage even I really worked hard to persuade myself, he laughted and said he could not afford too much hurt like this but he felt he would lose face before friends and family and could not finish his PhD and it would be a disaster to his family and himself. We both agreed that he could find a better girl and I leave him to make a choice since I owe him anyway. But he said Now the only thing I can do to make him feel better is to marry him at the date he picked up and give him some emotional support during the last year of his PhD program. Then he will feel all of what he has done will be paid back and we are equal by then. By the way, he is my first kiss/man and I also feel sad to find that I dont love him anymore eventually.
I could not sleep a wink tonight and it has been three months I am very depressed. I asked him you wanted to marry me to avoid of losing face or because you still want it after I told you ten times already I dont want to get married right now? He said the latter. I feel like I must marry him once and then we are equal to discuss where it is going, actually I told him twice that I wanted to return his money for all of his support before, but I can not return his love by a marriage even at the beginning I wanted to marry him, but he just felt hurt and dont want this solution, he wants to marry next monday! Also he said if I marry him, that would be a big compromise and he will feel much better in that way.
I could not sleep for almost three months, I feel guilty if not marrying him but feel painful to get married when I am not ready now, he proposed me many times before, I was hoping that I can be ready when time moves on, but the reality is not at least now I am still not ready for. I dont want him to wait but he did not accept the break up which I told him indirectly, I feel I have no right to bring up this, and that should be him who makes such a decision. But he refused to make this decision, and also is not willing to accept the soluation I offered: return his money(about $55,000 including birthday gift stuff),and return his kindness in other way in the future.
I feel I have to make a wrong decision again which totally destory my heath now, I just feel do everything as an obligation, I dont want to kiss him and everytime he wants sex I just feel like a task and dont feel any enjoyment any more-
He even agreed that I can only be with him three month at the first year of marriage-how can I persuade him even nicely and how can I tell his parents who are now in our apartment?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (20 June 2006):
You have trouble with confrontation - this is why you cannot do what you should have done years ago. It is obvious even to you what needs to be done. It's all there in your post - but you are here because you choose not to see, and you choose not to follow your instinct.
At this point you can only hope to minimize the damage. Indeed, each day that you delay only increases the damage. Imagine what life will be like a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, if you married this guy.
Fast forward ten years and imagine raising children in a loveless marriage. Even more lives to damage resulting from your inability to stand by your convictions - It could happen! You've let this relationship continue for five years longer than it should have, so what is another ten? Twenty?
We are not here to shore up your backbone and we are certainly not here to tell you what you want to hear; we can only help you by telling you what you need to hear. As always, the choice to act on our counsel remains with you.
Good luck with your decision.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 Getting married to someone because you think it's too much trouble not to is NOT a good reason.
Tell him *now*, today, that you can't marry him, because you're not ready. If you've inconvenienced a few people now, it's nothing compared with the problems of a marriage-in-name-only, and the headache, expense and mess of a divorce later.
I can't put this any more simply: DON'T MARRY HIM. He deserves to have a woman who loves him, and you also deserve the a partner you're attracted to.
You already know that if you get married to this man, that you'll regret it. You already know that! So why are you doing it? This will be a mistake, and it's one that's avoidable. Tell him the truth right now, and save you both a great deal of anguish.
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female
reader, dreamer2606 +, writes (20 June 2006):
You are in a tough situation right now but trust me it will be even worse down the road. I myself had second thoughts about marrying my now husband and now am in a position where I am trying to get a divorce. It's not fair to him either. He sounds like a great guy and deserves to spend his life with someone who will love him like he deserves.
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (20 June 2006):
 Someone will get hurt. There is no way out of this situation that doesn't result in that.
If you marry him, you will get hurt as will he because you will be lying to him.
If you don't marry him, you will both feel hurt and pain but at least you have saved him and yourself from a marriage that doesn't work or isn't going to work.
Don't feel obligated to marry him. People do nice things for each other but it doesn't obligate them to marry each other.
You need to be brave and follow your gut instinct. If he is not the man for you and you don't want to get married, don't. I know he will be upset and his family unhappy but imagine how everyone will feel if you marry him and end up in an unhappy relationship.
There is no easy way out of this but you need to do what is right and the right thing is not to marry a man you don't love.
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female
reader, toritor567 +, writes (20 June 2006):
Than tell him your not ready for marriage-maybe you dont want t o break uo but your not ready for marrige or a really big coompitment
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