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female
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anonymous
writes: I have like this man from afar for years but couldn’t do anything about it because I was married and I don’t believe in playing away from home. He was never aware of this. I am now going through a divorce and our paths crossed 3 weeks ago, we got talking and got drawn to each other, he seemed a bit distant but it’s because I found out that he has been hurt so many times before by other women in his life. He is single at the moment but I am sure he has lady friends, which is nothing serious. As we met up more and more, he opened up to me we got on so well and from day one I felt a connection. He did as well, because of certain things he said, - by the way he knew of me also but he never knew how I felt. We have been meeting up at my place for the last 3 weeks where we have been talking, over drinks and getting to know each other, although its only been 3 weeks I can’t bear to be apart from this man. I miss him, I see him when I close my eyes, I can smell him and have even seen us together and being committed to each other with both our sets of children blessing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just can’t function. When he left me on Friday last week, after having a really good evening, he called me two minutes after he left. By the way when we are together the time goes so quickly he will arrive at say 10.30 ish - because that’s when my 10 year old is in bed and the reason behind that is because I don’t want my son to see me with another man until I am sure there is something to build on, and he leaves at about 6.00 next morning. We just talk, cuddle, hold hands and have fun, and kiss. To say good night, the following morning he called to say good morning. He is a busy man, he works really hard and I am hoping that’s why since then I haven’t heard from him. I have texted him and called him but he doesn’t answer his calls.I have a terrible feeling that this is going to end before it has even started but I don’t understand why because he said certain things to me like”Don’t worry, I am not going anywhereI can wait - referring to sleeping with each otherHe is very private and he opened up to me tell me things which are very private. He also stated that I am making him weak.When we are together I feel so comfortable and happy and warm and as if we are in our own world and I don’t want it to ever end but I really think it has already.Why is he avoiding me?Why won’t he make contact with me?Why would he open up to me and tell me private things if he wasn’t interested?Why would he try it on and I explain to him that I need to make sure I know where this is going before we sleep together he would say, “That’s o.k, I can wait.”Why would he say I make him weak?Why would he say, “I'm here. I'm not going anywhere”?Please, please, please help. I am so confused and so miserable.I just need to know one way or the other if there is any point in pursuing this. Do I walk away now? Please don’t say walk away because I really really like this man so much and considering for how long - this episode really hurts and its tearing me up inside. I just cant function at the momenturgent reply required PLEASE
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (8 October 2005):
 Only he knows what is going on. If it has been a week since last contact, it could be that he senses that you are really into him and he is not sure. Or, he could be seeing other women (possible when not answering the phone and so secretive...), but again, all speculation.
It is sooooo soon! Try to relax keeping in mind that overly desperate and obsessive love after only three weeks, is unattractive to most men. He is not thinking of you as often obviously. If he wants to take it slow, you might be coming on too strong.
Try to act casual next time you see or hear from him. Act as if he is on a busniness trip. Definately try not to tell him how you feel just yet. You want to let him chase you a bit in order to know how much he like you back.
Men like women who are not quick to bed, at least for the long hall. Even if he is seeing others, it is okay. You just must be the one he decides on. It might hurt but dating is dating. There is no commitment yet.
If he does not call with in the next week, I hate to say that it doesn't look good. I don't like the "I've been hurt before" excuse. It seems that is when they are setting things up to hurt you as a sort of payback. Not that they know that, just that it ends up that way.
If you do hear from him again it is okay to ask what he has been up to. Not the third degree- just whats shakin stuff. Ensure you either have a life in the mean time or act as if you do when you talk. You don't want him getting used to treating you like this. If he likes you he will respond to your caution. If you feel brave, tell him you will have to get back to him on the date of the date (no pun intended). This will help clear away the desperate tone.
I know what your going through right now but you can do this. He has not betrayed you so try to relax. I am glad you have not slept together. Woman to woman, you know it would be worse if you had. Try to put the breaks on and make him work a bit for you. And good for you for protecting your son from this in the mean time. He doesn't need to feel your ups and downs too.
Until you see him again, focus on your boy. Though don't relplace a mate with him or else when you do find a man, he could become upset with your attention elsewhere.
So repeat to yourself that this is only a test. Read up on self esteem since you need all you can get to get through this and to be the best gf you can be. The healthier you are emotionally, the more your dreams come true.
Good luck to you and hang in there.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): I can relate to this. He may just want to be friends and not really be involved that way with you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings because he likes you very much. To be sure how he feels requires you to force him to really open up and talk about if he sees a future with you and when. It may be a big struggle to get him to open up, but it you insist, he will and then you'll have your answer. At worst-case, you'll have closure and move on without thinking about him all the time.
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