A
female
age
36-40,
*osingHope1022
writes:What am I to think or do?This is Long but detailed so that I can get the best response. I thank you in advance for reading my post/question. :-)I have been seeing a man since May 2010. Since I have met his family and our children get along great he says he wants to marry me. Here is where it gets tricky. About a few months into our relationship we spoke about restraining from having sex and being celibate. The reasons were so that we could get all of our blessings and follow christian regulations until we were to get married. Well the only problem is that we never really built a strong trust foundation. We only said we did. When we met and started to be together early on he said that he was done with other woman and only wanted to be with me.I met his family after we had a our first official date at an invited mothers day even they were having for the woman in the family -he wanted me to be apart. I joined in and since than I was invited to all the family events which is why we became so close so fast even the family vacation but I could not attend due to my work schedule. Anyway, we reached a point where he gave me a copy of his key. I would do everything and anything I could in his apartment all the way down to the fact I barely went to my own place! During this time I added him on my phone plan (I know mistake) trying to conserve money. I noticed he always had his Ipod with him all the time after we started sharing a plan. I was at his place after getting in from work and I noticed his Ipod was left charging on the floor and was flashing a private message from some woman on facebook. He specifically told me he was cutting these woman off and not giving out "our" new number.So me being the person I am thinking he told me he was no longer talking with any other woman I intially brushed it off and said let me leave him to his privacy---than more messages starting popping up. So I thought well normally he gets wi-fi at work and he would have this with him at work-since we share the same phone plan.My curiosity got the best of me and I looked at the Ipod-he left it unlocked so I dint have to figure any codes out. There was an ongoing message between him and a woman he used to have a relationship with saying she wanted an updated telephone number for him.So his response want that he was committed or in a relationship-He says"I dont have a phone really, I have my iPod and my work phone. My friend gets the bill." I was so appalled and offended because he never intended for me to see that message and that he went back on his word, admittedly that he was finding a loophole in what he promised. I never asked him to make these promises he offered them up.Thereafter I started reading through his messages with the other woman and he had tons of things on there-all the communication back and forth showed him in a completely different light than what he had been portraying.So this "celibacy" didn't come far after that. Than a string of things started happening.I found condoms(wrapped unused) in a pair of jeans he wore that day.I asked him and he said they were from a bag he needed to use and he didnt want to keep them in there.He stopped calling/texting like he used to -specifically during his break times- and I noticed a high usage of talk time from Blocked numbers.We always left our phones unlocked and he would have a clear message and phone log everynight. His response when I asked he was mega busy at work and he was talking to his uncle who has a private number.I came to his job for a nice surprise like I used to do all the time -I was off from work I bought him food and this special cake he liked-Instead of being thank ful. He said not to come to his job any longer and not to call because its so busy. His reasoning is people at work keep asking when he is getting married because everyone things I am so wonderful its a distraction to him.We work opposite shifts at work and in the morning I go to work he works later in the evening - I wouldnt hear anything from him or he would ignore and not answer my calls during this time after I left. Unreachable. He says because he gets on with his day and he didnt hear it or he was just sleep. But if I look at his call log I can see he is clearly on the phone just ignoring me for whatever reason.He stopped bringing his uniform work pants home for long periods of time(he wears scrubs) and when I drove his car to go pick him up he had a condom(wrapped and unused) in the arm rest - that he claimed was already there. But here is the kicker not long before that i cleaned his car out for him myself wiped it down vacuumed everything organized the trunk because I did mine and had to work on a holiday so I thought that would be nice-us both having nice smelling organized cars. So needless to say I know everything that was in the car and it was not there. He says I missed it and that he always had condoms in his car.The thing is-it looked like it had been washed and had lint to the edges a little like the color of his uniform pants. His response was "Check my call log if you want-Im not talking to anyone else" than I said you told a woman flat out not to call you and that you had an alternate root -so that doesn't mean anything. than he says "If I were cheating on you-you would never know because I am just that good."If I try to get affection or anything from him like a sensual kiss or a intimate touch he would shun me away and reject me. Saying that I need to respect the celibacy and that he isn't having trouble with not having personal relations that is is only me. Than I started looking at the history on his computer when I would get on to use it and say he was going through tons of nasty photos per day of woman he used to have sex with and than immediately after he would watch porn.When I talked to him about it he says he is a guy what do I expect. He will literally go through these nasty pics from his facebook and than watch porn right after -even if I am in the house sleep and turn around and tell me to "pray" about my needs/desires.Now he has said over and over he isn't cheating on me- that he wants to build a life with me. He wants to marry me and I have met and spent time with his entire family both sides, our daughters get along great they say they are sisters, I get along great with everyone. I have been married before and he told me that my ex-husband was a fool to have let me leave and treat me the way he did(it was due to domestic violence/I left! I don't stand for that!)That he wants me to be his wife, that he wants to really get to know me. We have these deep conversations we match on every other level. But I cannot ignore these things and just let it go. We have had several discussions over all of this fights and crying - It seems like we get back on track. But I cannot shake the fact I feel like he is just telling me lies to keep me around because I am a good woman with my life in order -I have always been good to him as far as tending to the home and just being silly and having a good time doing it. He really treats me sometimes like he forgets I exist he has a weird way of showing he cares. The feeling I have deep down inside is that he is just trying do all he can to hold on to me. I think he does want to marry me. I do not believe him when he says he isn't cheating. I also do not feel the same about him as I used to because I think he is telling me lies. With us not having sex and him acting like he doesn't need it but having these actions behind my back-I feel like I cannot trust his words. So to me he could be telling me anything to make sure he has a good woman to build a life with and he is still playing his games on the side. I want to know should. I really have a feeling deep down inside that he is telling lies through his teeth. Every time I call and it goes to voice mail or he doesn't answer during a time I know he is avail. I get a chill down my spine. I really cannot handle people being dishonest with me. I have come right to him and asked him flat out to be straightforward about everything-even the things I found out and he wont give me a straight answer. At this point I feel uneasy and even though everything else matches up-his family loves me to pieces they already say I am their daughter-he told them he wishes to marry me. I feel; like I cannot trust him and I wouldn't be able to marry him right now. I feel fear to the highest degree, mainly because i think he is not being honest with me and just putting on a show because he has is me everything he wants for his future but he may not be ready right now to be a truly committed man. I just don't know right now and I am starting to withdrawal mentally because it has been so much anguish trying to work it out when I know I am not adding anything to the mix-I am not perfect no one is but I am trying my best to be a good mother to not only my child but his as well and a good partner.Please Help me figure this out. Thank you!
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at work, celibate, christian, condom, facebook, money, my ex, period, porn, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LosingHope1022 +, writes (13 January 2011):
LosingHope1022 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Gamine. I am in tears. Thank you dearly.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Dump this clown. You sound like you look good and are a great woman. Find a new stud and ride into the sunset! :/
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A
female
reader, LosingHope1022 +, writes (13 January 2011):
LosingHope1022 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses! I really have a lot to think about and do...Thank you again for your honesty.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 hi
you seem to have a good insight as to what is going on. if he is celibate, condoms should not be 'appearing' in the house or car. for instance, you cleaned that car yourself and now he is telling you that the condom was there all along?! he is trying to tell you your own eyes have deceived you.
maybe the woman who sends him messages IS just an old friend now, but he TOLD you that he would not be having contact with the women from his past, if he wanted to keep in touch with any of them why couldn't he just be upfront with you? the totally clear call and message log on his mobile doesn't look trustworthy either. clearing the phone records before you get home is classic cheating behaviour (so i have heard -from cheats). sometimes when you ring him and you get no answer he is probably truthful when he tells you he was asleep or whatever but the thing is is that he has got your mind in such a turmoil that you are seeing suspicious factors in everything he does now! he has got you checking a condom wrapper for the tiniest fibres to check if its been in his work trousers or not?! :/
i can see what he is getting out of your partnership, it sounds as though you look after him very well, but tell me, what are YOU getting out of it??
i hope you can dump him really and gain some piece of mind again without worrying about what he is doing/condoms/lies/phone/porn/facebook
xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Hmm yes it does sound to me like he may be having sex with other woman. Im sorry but thats what it sounds like, he is being secretive and he doesnt want you going to his work place or calling him, this shows alarm bells straight away. He has you there helping around the house and doing his cleaning while i believe he is out chatting to other woman and making a fool of you behind your back. I may be wrong but all the signs are looking like he is playing away. He is showing you no affection therefore i think he just wants you there for his convience more than as a loving partner. You dont sound happy to me and i honestly think that you would be happier on your own. As for the condom going missing well that speaks for itself why would he still have condoms lying around if he is wanting to be celebit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): You have to talk to him, and soon
Sit him down, in a quiet place were you won't be disturbed and talk to him. Tell him everything you know, everything you think. Let him know what it is that you want and that you wont stand for being lied to. Make sure he knows that if he doesn't tell you the truth you'll leave him.
Communication is vital, more so when you may be getting married! Just talk and afterwards you'll know what to do. But don't get angry or shout, untill after he's explained everything, make sure you know the whole story.
Hope this helps xx
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