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female
,
anonymous
writes: hi..i am a 27 year old female, was living in a long distance relationship with a man, 33 now, for 6 years.can someone plse help me understand why cant a married man, who claims that he loves someone else yet continue to live with his wife ( married for almost 8 years and no kids ) ...cannot leave his wife??? i am in a situation as such, i loved him for who he was, and still do, at the same time i did realise his intentions may not have been pure towards me. it was a long wake up call , i am trying my best to accept it and one day i hope i will. my heart otherwise coninues to ignore this , maybe because i am unaware of the REAL TRUTH..he has never said so.. left me without telling me where i went wrong. at least the decent thing he could have done was to tell me straight. plse help me sort out my heart n head.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Six years...wow...time flies.
Married men were always an attraction for me...BECAUSE I Knew they would never leave their wives. I got to play with them then they left me the heck alone...no laundry, no kids, no credit card bills with strange purchases on them...
But, the stories i have heard about people who THINK somebody (and there are as many boys out there in the situation...they just don't lament it for so long..or admit it) is going to leave their secure little nest for the big scary world with THEM. If the divorce is in the works..ie the papers are signed and the lawyers paid....then he might leave his wife for you.....
Otherwise....If the sex was amazing...consider it a gift...if you just put out trying to win him....consider it a lesson.
Girls...though men will attempt to convince you otherwise...the way to a man's heart is usually not through his penis. These terrible mean wives you hear about...are usually lovely, kind people....frustrated with their husbands lack of attention....but equally as wonderful as you are....You are a distraction for hubby...not his life. And he will go to great lengths to keep his life away from you....you will hear the most amazing tales of woe...not because its true...just because it works. You believe he LOVES you...and your world stops as well as your brain.
It is a harsh truth...but telling someone you love them is easy...and they can LOVE you....that is a great big lie that you can't love TWO people at the same time.
Can a parent only love ONE child? I have seen a house with 21 children...many disabled....I don't think 20 of them were playing second fiddle to the one that was actually loved.
I love my husband and children above all things. now don't gasp....I love my boyfriend more than I can explain to you....now don't fall over...I love my other boyfriend enough that when he got sick...I offered to move him into my home and care for him....yes with my husbands knowledge...yes with my children living here.
Love is a gift...Any amount is a gift. When someone cares for you...that does not give you the right to assume and demand that they care ONLY for you...and MORE than they cared for anyone in their past....That is selfish...and love is not selfish.
You have spent six years convincing yourself that if you had his exclusive love...you would be happy. You missed the gift that he loved you at all...because it was not what you decided to want. Have you been cheated...yes by yourself. should you move on...yes. Are you stupid? No...you are only stupid if you look back with regret that it did not work exactly as you had hoped. Look back instead and say to yourself...I enjoyed my time with him and learned so much that I will never forget the way I felt with him....and now around the corner, I will look forward to finding my next great love and I will be open to it and accept it as the gift it is. i will not be foolish and shun it because it might not be exactly what I had hoped for either.
Find things in life that you enjoy...your joy will multiply and that will attract another joyful spirit...hopefully one who is more suitable to your own hopes.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Relationships with married people are nearly always doomed to fail because (a) they are complicated by definition and (b) they are always founded on lies. He was technically cheating on his wife with you - he had made a commitment to her and there must have been 'something' about their relationship to start with that prompted them to marry. Perhaps his marriage went stale and he thought it was exciting to have a mistress. However, he was never going to leave her and that is just the end of it - you did nothing wrong (except the moral implications of dating someone's husband) and at the end of the day I feel sorry for his wife because once a cheat, always a cheat. Lots of people post about similar relationships on here - instead of thinking of it as a dreadful loss, think about your narrow escape from misery...if he cheated on his wife, why wouldn't he have cheated on you in the future with someone else? The best thing you can do is just learn from your mistakes - it is ok to make mistakes as everyone does but don't keep making the same one's...like yourself enough to not be someone's 'extras'...there are plenty of single uncomplicated men out there in need of partners!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Why would he leave his wife for YOU? You've been putting out for him for 6 years! Why buy the cow when the milk is free? He obviously loves his wife much more than his piece on the side. "i did realise his intentions may not have been pure towards me." Ya think? Realize what a dope you were and vow never to be that stupid again.
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 This has just happened to my cousin, and she is broken-hearted, she wasted 12 years of her life maintaining a relationship with a married man who would not leave his wife.
Sorry to break it to you but this goes with the territory - maybe in future you will pick someone who is free and single, and leave the married ones to love their wives - who they vowed to commit to..if they can break that one solemn vow, it is plain for anyone to see that they are liars!
I hope that if and when you get married, someone does not do this to you, or you will feel it from the 'sharp' end when you find out you have been betrayed!
I know it is not easy to control who you fall in love with, but don't waste your time on men like him - they are users.
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