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male
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*alrussurprised
writes: I had a big crush on a woman about ten years ago. We had a good friendship and she contacted me intermittently over the passing years while we went our separate ways. She contacted me most recently and we started hanging out again. Things went really well and we spent lots of time together over many weeks and we finally turned physically intimate. The next day she acted very amorously and wrote me a poem and everything. However, three days after this, she turned a bit aloof and cold. She cancelled plans for one evening, though she texted me saying she just wanted to be alone. I finally got in touch with her after a few days and she said she wanted to see me. I met with her at a coffee shop and she revealed to me that she had decided to become a dominatrix and wondered what I thought of it. She told me she had not told anyone else. I said I had no problems with it. We then met up the night after and had two drinks and then I walked her halfway home and went back to my house. I texted her and she responded and then when I texted her the next day to hang out for an afternoon, she did not respond and has not gotten in touch with me for 5 days. She has a bunch of exams coming up and has to adjust to this new job..I don't know why she doesn't talk to me like she did before. Any ideas? She tends to like her privacy a great deal and has repeatedly said that she has revealed more to me than most people she knows...she has written very kind odes to me...She has mentioned projects that we would work on together. However, she also has made hints at finding women attractive and I wonder if she wants to go there now instead...or, who knows. I just wish we could communicate more openly without me worrying that I don't give her enough space. Any ideas? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): I can only base my thoughts here on what you have written so feel free to add more information, if you want. As much as I hope I am wrong here (because you sound like a great guy)...I honestly think you are being 'strung along' by some gal who doesn't know what the hell she wants. Call it the 'royal brush-off' if you will but she's doing a number on you. As much as you want to be build a love relationship, clearly she doesn’t feel the same way. If she did, she would be contacting you, calling, texting (the whole nine yards) and making sincere efforts in contributing 'something' to this relationship. Aside from flowery poems and odes, her actions are NOT matching up with her words. So stop putting all your efforts into this person and step back and please, do not contact her. I think you are denying the truth of the matter, here. I think that deep down inside, maybe you wish what she was saying was true and that is why you are having a hard time accepting her actions. The truth is, her actions are screaming she doesn’t have the time nor the desire to be your gf. You need to accept that and move on. Again, words are meaningless, actions speak the truth. Hopefully you can see that she is someone who has a lot of things to say but doesn’t follow through so you can stop wondering why she is acting the way she is. Her claim of wanting to be a dominatrix--her hints at lesbianism might likely just be a ploy to 'turning you off her'. She's too iffy, she's too complicated and she's not committed. Move on and find a person who will give you the true gift of her love. You won't get it from this gal.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 It seems to me that you are hoping to have a full-on relationship with this woman but unfortunately she is not available in that way to you - as you have said yourself it has been on and off for years. I know you think something of her as you keep coming back for more but she is changing her identity - the dominatrix stuff, the hint of lesbian affairs etc - if she is not sure who she is or what she wants then she would be not a very good or effective partner for you as you would just be carried along as she finally decides what she wants from life. You seem like a nice guy so perhaps it is best to sit back with this girl and see what happens. My feeling is that if you were going to be together as a couple then it would have happened years ago.
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A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 hey,
this sounds to me like she confessed stuff to you which in retrospect she wishes she hadn't. This hasn't necessarily got anything to do with you personally. You said that she likes her privacy a lot, so the fact that she confessed these things, combined with her obvious liking for you (poems and physical stuff) could have kind of scared her. You say that she has admitted that she had told you more than other people, and for someone who values their privacy, this can be quite a big step in a relationship and someething which takes getting used to.
Have you tried emailing instead of texting, you can get far more down and also make things appear much less of a big deal - you know by mentioning something in amongst other stuff.
It also sounds like she's got a lot of other pressures going on - with the exams, the job and everything - so it could be that isn't helping her cope with the things going on with you and her.
I'd suggest giving her space, but letting her know you're there for her and not judging her. An email saying hi, or a text saying 'hope you're ok' is enough every now and then and I'd guess within a couple of days she call you back. You could always phone her and say hi - although I understand that might be more difficult than a text or email.
Good luck!
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