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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I am a 40 year old woman who has been married to a 40 year old man for 19 years. We were both virgins when we began dating and we married six months after. We have a 17 year old son and a two year old son. We have always had a tumultuous relationship but I contribute this to the life experiences that we both lacked. I feel like we have grown up together. I love him very much, more every day and I could never imagine myself with anyone else. I need to explain that he works very hard and long hours to support us. He is an over the road truck driver. After the birth of our second child I had to give up my career because we could not afford the extra expenses to our budget. I have been trying to care for children within my home so that we have some extra cash coming in. I am a terrible house keeper (pack rat) and this has always been a complaint of his. This complaint hovers over every disagreement that we have. We only sleep in the same bed a few nights a week and I miss him very much. On his days off he likes to go out with his friends to relax which leaves little quality time for us, so things tend to build up. Recently we went out for drinks and ended up in a heated argument, he told me that he hated me and he said he has hated me for a long time, he said that he wanted a divorce. He left at 10:30 that night and did not return until 5:00 a.m.. (He slept in his truck in the drive way of mutual friends) I had been awake all night trying to understand what had happened and when I asked him to tell me what I had done to make him so angry all he could tell me was that it was my attitude and my house keeping. He then told me that he did not want to talk about it and he would not look at me. A week later he told me he did not mean any of it and that he had just been angry and tired. Since this argument he has remained emotionally and somewhat physically distant, help what can I do to talk to him without causing another argument?Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for some really good insights. I am going to use some of all the advice. I have been trying to keep the house in a little more order but with 4 two year olds its a feat. I also am joining some out of house activities for myself. I know he does love me and everything has been stressfull in both of our lives. This was just a speed bump and we will get through it.
Love and hate are really close together and passion is still very much alive.
Thank you again, Lisa
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 Hi there,
From your posting i came to realise that the main problem is with the Finances. He isnt finding things easy with the situation and it seems to me that he is just plainly frustrated. Whilst i can understand this i dont think it is right for him to use such strong terms as "hate". It isnt fair on you becos he must know that the current crisis affects you as much as him and the two of you need to work together to build on things and improve them not against each other.I agree with eyewideopen, i dont think he meant it at all, but that doesnt imply u should encourage him to say such things to u either so i am glad that u made him realise his mistake.
I dont think u should hold this against him but plese make sure u tell him that even if things get very bad he shouldnt use it on you.Also i think it might be advisable to re-build on your life and independence since there is an issue of your finances.Try to get back to work when the child gets to preschool stage, or if possible get support from your family.I have seen friends who their mums or sisters stay with them to lend a hand with their child while the go to work.i hope u can get a helping hand in this way.
I know how this feels really. My mum became a full-time mum, gave her career away to care for seven of us. It was hard sometimes on my parents marriage especially at the beginning.There was a time when my mum even threatened to leave. But after a while they worked on things together,although i must say my dad was very understanding and the problem seemed to come from my mum when he couldnt give her everything she wanted becos he had to cut back on certain luxuries to make ends meet.But the end point was that they worked on things.
Take care dear and really i hope u can reach a solution to make things better.
Goodluck, kelly
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 How much had he had to drink the night he said he hated you? If he had had a lot to drink he may have said it but didn't really mean it and is embarrassed by it now. Why don't you work on your housekeeping so he can't complain about that anymore. When both partners have full time jobs then I think housework should be divided between them but since you are a "stay at home mom" then maybe you should try harder to keep the house clean and inviting for him to come home to. Once the dust settles (no pun intended)from this last argument maybe you'll get the opportunity to have a nice discussion about it all and get things straightened up (again no pun intended). Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Shelleyscott +, writes (1 August 2006):
Honey, you deserve so much better. I understand your predicament but to say he hates you is absolutely disgusting. If he has had a problem with things why has he never talked to you about it in a constructive way. He has said he did not mean it but if I loved someone I would never ever say I hated them. Would you say you hated him just because you felt tired? It's just cruel and insensitive. Please remember that life has so much to offer and there are some lovely men out there that would treat you like a princess. Based on what you have said I would take some steps to try and build a life away from your husband. Get as much support from family and friends as you can to boost your self esteem. Be positive - you could have another 30 years with somone who truly appreciates you. Best Wishes to you.
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