A
male
age
30-35,
*urningleon
writes:This is a continuation of my last question as it's on a completely different subject. If that makes sense.Basically my problem is this. Me and my girlfriend used to do sexual acts. Not actual sex and not even oral. I've fingered her and that's all. She's never even touched me. We've talked often about getting married and plan on it but we agree we both need to wait until we graduate from basic college. Then about a week or so ago we decided that until we're married we should probably stop doing these sexual things. It is after all ungodly, since we aren't currently married. We are both pretty religious and don't want to be taken apart after he brought us together for something like that. Yesterday however we were cuddled up together watching TV and we started kissing and one thing led to another. Next thing I know I've given up fighting the temptation and pulled her on top of me. I could tell she was still fighting but after a few minutes of us just laying there like that, not actually doing anything she asked me if I would touch her one more time. I did....Now we both feel horrible and are terrified we will be pulled apart. We've prayed for forgiveness several times now.I love to cuddle with her and just be close to her. I don't want to have to stop that till we're married. What can I do to stop the temptation or at least fight it off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Burningleon...
No way.. don't let her touch you.. Very bad idea if your trying to fight temptation.. She will drive you crazy if she dose that and then you two will have sex and feel bad... Less touching not more babes... Tell her it's OK... You are together, you love one another. She makes you happy, that is more than enough... We are trying to put out the fire not burn down the house.
Right, of course she's nervous because everything is new for her. But you are both very young, and you need to try and slow this relationship down. You are the guy, the responsibility to keep you both from doing sexual things is purely on your shoulders. If you both need to cuddle, then keep the bloody door open, you won't be able to do much then. Keep your clothes on and she must keep on hers. You are both Christians, you have decided to do things the right way, and stop doing sexual things. This is a good decision. It wasn't wrong for you both to explore each other, but you've done that, but now you must stop. You and her have agreed that it's not right. You must remind her that you have both agreed not to do any more sexual things. That's what you both agreed and it's the right thing to do. I don't care what you two do, as long as the clothes stay on. It will be awful if you both stray and do more things. You are both very young, you want the best for each other, and the best thing is to wait. You must talk to each other again. Remind each other why you will not do sexual things any more, remind each other what you are fighting for. I have given you several safe options. Naked touching is not one of them, that is dangerous. It is very easy to go from naked touching to having sex very quickly. You are the guy, you must take responsibility, you must so no, and tell her that you both must wait until your older. This is the right thing to do, and I have given you alternatives to get sexual pleasure if you are curious. But no more touching OK, you have agreed to build your relationship on no sex for now..
Trust me, many of us adults had to wait, we were once your age, we waited and did not have sex. We did it and you can do it too. It's very hard, but you can do it if you love one another and want to show each other the proper respect of two young christian teenagers.
A
male
reader, Burningleon +, writes (30 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have condoms. My brother gave me two before he left for college. I keep them in my room which is the only place we ever have the opportunity to do anything. That or the basement but my dad is usually down there.
I don't want to be that radical. I don't want to have to give up being close to her. I love just being able to cuddle with her. Last Saturday I spent time with her in my room. I was able to fight off the temptation. It was hard but we were able to still make out and I was able to keep my hands to myself. But here's the problem.
I've showed her all the posts about my last question. Some off them were helpful to her but others made her question herself. She said she felt bad. That it could even seem like she was using me. Like she should do something for me. I told her she doesn't need to do anything for me and i would never ask that of her, but she insisted and asked if she could touch me. We were laying down and the blanket was up to our shoulders so all we really saw was each others face but she was still pretty scared which is understandable considering her past. She eventually asked me to guide her hand I slowly did so. I didn't force her. Eventually we worked our way down to skin to skin before we heard a noise and my pants went right back on. I thought it'd just stop there but later on she was apologizing for freaking out and I told her it was fine and I assumed she wouldn't want to try it again. However she did. This time she actually got me really close before her hand got tired. She seemed okay and was asking me if it felt good and what to do but after wards she was shaking a little though she insisted she was fine. For the rest of our movie I just held her close and told her I would never ask her to do it again and that I was so proud of her since she was able to fight through yet another part of her past. Yesterday I asked her if she had the chance would she want to do it again and she said she wasn't sure. She'd have to decide when the moment came.
Here's the thing, she didn't spend hours begging for forgiveness for this and that's got me confused. I'm not sure what's going on in her mind but I've told her I'll just do whatever she wants me too and not try and do anything she doesn't want me to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Sorry Burningleon, it's me again...
Forget about the sinning and forgiveness thing. Don't you believe in God. Well if you believe in God, you would know he sees right into your heart, and you cannot hide. God knows what you have done, and he also know why you did it, your intentions were pure, you wanted to make your girlfriend happy and secure, he knows all of that. God is supposed to be loving. You have asked forgiveness, well surely he will forgive you both for anything you feel is a sin. You had a need to be close, but that need is no longer there. There is only one reason that you will get split up, and that's if you start having sexual intercourse at such a young age. If you can get rid of the sex stuff, then nobody will have a right to split you two up. If your meant to be together it will happen, surely God wants happiness for you two young beautiful kids. I'm sure there are worse people in the world, you have done nothing wrong, and there is no reason for you or your girlfriend to be ashamed. Educating herself and yourself about the female body and learning sexuality is not a bad thing. But you have done that, and now you have decided to stop.
There is a third option, that I forgot to mention, because some Christians find it hard to do. Self masturbation is the best way to get rid of sexual desire and to stop temptation from leading you astray. Your body is made to give itself pleasure. If God didn't want us to have sexual pleasure then he would have built our hands, our vagina's and penis's different. I suggest that when you are alone you masturbate and then the sperm will come out and the sexual desire will ease off. Your girlfriend should do the same when she's alone. You can even think of each other when you are touching yourselves, but never, ever be together without clothes again.
Masturbation is a very old method for reducing sexual tension in teenage relationships and allows you both to stay virgins until you are able to marry. Don't be ashamed of your own body. Give it the sexual pleasure it needs, then you won't be in such a hurry for you and your girlfriend to have sex together. This is the best way to deal with a no sex relationship.
It's best to discuss all these options with your girlfriend and see what she says....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Hi Burningleon,
Yes things are very hard for Christian teenagers who wish to wait for marriage before indulging in sexual things. It is great that you and your girlfriend have talked about this. It is important that both of you have made this decision, because it will take both of you to be strong. As Christian teenagers you must be very clear about why it is better to wait, and how special it will make everything once you are married and able to relax and have sex. I am not a Christian, but I know many Christians, and I know how special it is to stay virgins until you are married.
Burningleon, the problem is an age thing. If people realised you and your girlfriend were much younger than 18, they would be giving you very different advice. Their advice is right for other people, but it is not right for you and your Christian girlfriend.
You need the support of your priest (preacher) Ask for an appointment for you and your girlfriend, or go alone, and tell him exactly how you feel. He will understand, your not the only teenagers to feel like this. He will give you advice on what to do to help the temptation go away, or a least become more bearable.
The best way to avoid all temptation is not allow yourself to touch in anyway except for hand holding. That means no more cuddling and watching TV. It's too dangerous. In fact it's best for you to make sure you don't spend too much time alone. I know some churches are very good at providing things for teenagers to do in public, and you can be good christian teenagers and still have fun. But the more time you spend alone together, the more contact you have, the more likely it is that you will have sex.
Try to treat each other as friends. Use words to tell your love, but no more touches or kisses unless it's on the hand. Make lots of friends, and spend time together with them. In public you can kiss and touch all you like, but never, ever when your alone. If you feel desire or temptation, then you must go home, or you must send your girlfriend home.
If this is too harsh, then you can try the second stage of a now sex relationship. You can touch each other, you can kiss each other, but you must never, ever allow her or you to remove any clothes. You won't be able to do sexual things because you won't be able to take of your clothes.
I suggest that as soon as you can you buy a condom. This is what sex represents. Young pregnancy, loss of virginity, shame if you feel that your God will disapprove. First time sex is really fun, and it can be very painful for a girl. The condom is for an emergency. Anytime you feel like doing sexual things, take it out and check the date. That's what sex is, not a mistake, but something you will have to choose to do. If you don't want to put on the condom, then you should not be doing sexy things with your girlfriend. You should not be touching her or kissing her, you should be doing things that keep you both standing, and keep the clothes on.
If you cannot trust her, or/and you cannot trust yourself, then you can never be alone in private again. It might be better for you to be just good friends, and talk about marriage again in a couple of years.
Stay out of bedrooms, keep yourself active and find hobbies to do together, do homework together, sing songs, or stay in public with other christian friends. This is a way to fight temptation. If your not alone, and your not lying down, then you won't be able to give into temptation and do sexual things...
I hope this helped my friend.. I wish both you and her well.. Keep thinking about the best way to make you both happy, and do only things that you feel will bring you closer to the happiness you both seek... Blessings. You must be the strong one, you will one day be a husband, so it's up to you to keep your future bride safe from harm. Take care of you both, good luck.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/shall-i-wait-to-have-sex-with-her.html
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A
male
reader, Burningleon +, writes (24 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys really arn't helping. What I need is help so that I can continue to be close to my girlfriend without being temped to touch her. I don't need people trying to convince me that I've made the wrong decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): Why worry about it? You haven't hurt anyone, and you wanted to do it. I feel sorry for you having these beliefs that conflict with your instincts but frankly, if you love each other then you will be having sex for the right reasons, and any reasonable God would understand that.
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A
male
reader, Burningleon +, writes (24 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat doesn't really help my resolve to abstain...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): here is the thing: abstinence before marriage is torture -- have you noticed how most of the people very devout to religions that prohibit sex before marriage tend to get married early? I used to be a Christian, and struggled with that very same issue: i used to feel horrible about myself & would pray probably the same prayers.
Abstinence I think is kind of foolish: look, both of you obviously want to do it. And besides that, sex is something that can (and will) bring the relationship to a higher level. I think the best communication that you can have with one another (as a couple) happens in the moments after sex. And what's more, scientifically it will help create attachment between you two: having sex with one partner creates triggers the creation of physical bonds being formed in the brain (pleasurable experience being linked with the person providing the pleasure, etc) -- and then that gets intertwined with emotions, etc, and will help bring you two closer.
So, my advice -- stop starving yourselves.
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