A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend want to make our first time special and as romantic as possible but we need some advice on what to do and what to wear. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (25 April 2009):
Are you, or your B/F, or both, virgins - or have you had other partners but this is the first time for you to be together as a couple? I'll assume that one of you - and, I actually hope, BOTH of you - are virgins.
It sounds like you have already talked about this. I hope that talk included topics like "marriage" or "life partners". There are emotional and mental, as well as physical, aspects of sex and that is part of being emotionally ready. If you're not both ready for that kind of commitment then my personal opinion is that you're probably doing this for the wrong reasons. But if you're NOT at that stage of relationship, and decide to have sex then please make CERTAIN that BOTH of you understand what this means to each other.
That very-first, first time can be very special and memorable but not because of clothes, location, or other details. Those things can add to the experience and become part of the memory but if you think they'll be a major part of the event then you are almost certainly doing this for the wrong reasons.
I hope you two have spent some time, at least a couple of weeks to several months, becoming acquainted with each others' bodies, pleasure preferences, and sexual responses. You might think of the pre-sexual lovemaking practices of previous generations - necking, petting, sparking, bundling, or whatever they called it - as "uninformed" or at best "quaint" but I think they served some very useful purposes in preparing people for mutually satisfying adult love-making. I hope it isn't a major embarrassment being undressed, at least partially, in each others' presence. (One "romantic idea" would be to see each other COMPLETELY naked for the first time when you first have sex.) I think it's a good idea to know how to pleasurably and respectfully help each other to orgasm before you try full penetrative sex. (That's also a useful skill to help each other refrain from full penetrative sex until you're BOTH really ready for it.)
I don't know what to tell you about advance planning. My wife and I exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. For several months in advance we knew, within a couple of hours, when and where that first-time would be. We even scheduled our wedding time in the early afternoon so we would have plenty of time in the evening for making love. Yes, we talked about postponing it but I think we both knew that it was going to happen on that night. In retrospect there was a lot of enjoyable anticipation, and getting ready, but I wish we could have been a bit more spontaneous. How do you and your B/F feel about this? Do you want to make an appointment - or let it happen? Maybe create some romantic sign for each of you - like giving a particular flower - to let each other know, "I'm ready.". Do you want to plan it, and let your B/F know the things you'd like to have included? Or let him do most of the planning and surprise you? Or just agree together?
If you DO plan ahead, allow plenty of time. At least most of a day, or an overnight - an entire weekend is even better. Yes, it might all be over in 15 minutes (I hope not!) but you don't want to be time pressured. It's NOT something you should do while your roommate runs out for cigarettes! Think about scheduling around some activity you can do together - a concert, a ballgame, a few hours in the museum, etc. Something where you can interact with each other. (Movies usually aren't very good for this.) You might end up doing this before you make love - or after - or instead of - or you might not make it to the event at all! But it provides a chance to help you relax together, or bond afterwards, or provide an "out" in case things just aren't working.
Also make sure you have plenty of privacy and comfortable surroundings. The back seat of the car, parked in a lover's lane with half a dozen other couples, is not a good idea. You will want bathroom facilities close at hand. (In fact, showering or bathing together - perhaps by candlelight - might be a good way to get started.) Make sure there won't be any interruptions by telephones, doorbells, or curious neighbors. There's always the inexpensive chain motels but they aren't very romantic. In some metro areas the downtown hotels offer weekend packages at reasonable prices. Usually these include a night or two of lodging, a couple meals, and maybe tickets to a sporting event or other activity. In some states the state parks have cabins or lodge rooms at attractive rates during the week in the off-season. If you're strapped for cash and your own living space (i.e., the dorm room or parents' house) isn't suitable consider borrowing a place. Believe it or not, older brothers and sisters with their own apartments, or even married friends, can be sympathetic and helpful if you're honest about what you need. You might find yourself hired as a housesitter for a day or two!
(I agree it could be very romantic, but unless you're acquainted with tent-camping I don't think that's a real good choice for the very first time. My wife and I had some very memorable sexual experiences in tents (and outdoors without the tent is even better!) but I'm glad we didn't try that for the first time.)
I wouldn't put a lot of effort into your clothes, unless there's something that's a particular turn-on, or especially significant, to you or your B/F. (Or perhaps you've told him "When you see me wear a a certain outfit it means I don't want to go home until we've had sex.".) Turn-ons, and special significance, are very individual things. You'll have to tell your B/F about yours, or ask about his. Most of the "Frederick's of Hollywood" stuff does very little for me; your guy may be different. Perhaps you have fond memories of what each other wore on your first date, but probably not. My wife offered to give up her virginity while wearing her wedding dress - I think that's a fantasy for some guys, but not for me, and I'm glad we didn't do that.
If it's a planned event wear something that's attractive and maybe a little revealing but don't let it get sleazy. Undressing my wife is still a fun and exciting part of foreplay, and especially if this will be the first time you see each other completely naked, you might give some thought to how easily the clothing can be removed.
I wish my wife and I had done some little ceremony, or exchanged some trinket gift, after our first time. I don't mean something like used panties but rather more like a keychain, picture frame, fancy pen or pencil - something to keep with me, use often, and remind me of the event without drawing other peoples' attention.
Regardless of the "romantic" touches you have included, don't be surprised by your feelings when it's over. It'll probably be a confusing mix of many emotions. Somebody has described it as "being more emotionally naked than any other time in your life". You may want to cling to him forever, or want to be left alone. You might want to tell the whole world about it, or be completely silent. I don't believe the statement that "the first time doesn't matter much to guys, like it does to girls". It matters just as much, though maybe in different ways, so allow that he may have similarly confusing feelings. You can do some real emotional harm to each other, unintentionally, if you're not sensitive to each other in those moments.
I MUST MENTION: Don't count on condoms for either birth control or STD protection!! Especially if he is inexperienced there is a good chance he'll use the condom incorrectly, and cancel all the "protection" you're counting on. Pregnancy and STD's are REAL problems that you two MUST face up to, but "condoms" aren't the only solution - and, in this particular case, possibly not a very good solution.
There is a good article called "Thinking about losing your virginity?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ] - and in the responses to that article.
For the record, the account of my own first time is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night..." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ] (scroll down the responses to find my story). Some other threads on this topic, that I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): I could tell you all the classics like candle light soft music.. but to be honest its all up to you.. How about a spot that both of you pick out together (where you won't get busted).. camping, If you live out of your parents house his house or yours. The thing is this it should be a series of moments together.. such as.. making dinner together sitting down to eat it together... then a nice bath where you sit and hold each other and wash each other... (light candles if you want and put on soft music) and just talk and let the mood take you from there...
if this is not possable at either house.. then ask for the honey moon sweet at a reasonable motel or hotel...
my point is it will be great if you take your time to enjoy the moments up to and after... your worth it and so is he....
have fun ;-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): tell him to put some flower petals on the bed and to put candles arond the bathtub wear a red dress and under some sexy thongs and a sexy bra damn he would go head over heels
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