A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My name is Chrissy and my boyfriends name is David we want to get married and i want children but he doesn't he said they cost too much money and all they do is scream and cry i want children very bad what do i do??
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): If he doesn't want kids then nothing you can do will change his mind. Everyone else seems to think that a few years is all it takes to make him baby crazy. But what if the reverse is true? What if after a while you realize you don't want kids? If you can't imagine such a thing then what makes him likely to change his mind? Unlike many here I don't see a way to compromise on this issue. Either you will feel like you missed out on something or he will be miserable and stuck with a child he blames for his misery. If he gets his way only you suffer but if you get your way he suffers and a child suffers because he was partly unwanted. It would be better to end this now rather than wait for a day that will never come. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (31 July 2007):
Hi,
I think you should wait a couple of years to get married. You need to agree on the really big things, like whether to have kids or not, before you make this commitment. You both need to want the same thing. Neither of you should feel forced to have kids or not to have them in order to keep hold of the relationship.
Imagine you are few years down the line. You are married, in your early thirties, and he still doesn’t want kids. What will you do then? Will you divorce him before it’s too late for you, or stay and face having no children? The relationship might not survive anyway if you stay and are bitter about it. That sounds very grim, but it’s why you need to take your time now.
Luckily you are young, and have a few years to spare. To be brutally frank about this, you could find another man that wanted to have children if you had to couldn’t you? But you want to have them with him, so can you agree with him that you will wait a couple of years before getting married? You need to be honest with him that you are suggesting this because you want children, but don’t pressure him. He just needs to know where he stands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Don't get married yet. I agree with the previous answer. In the meantime you could spend time with people who have nice kids. There can be nothing better than a weekend camping with a load of people and having the opportunity of being a big kid again. Your man needs to see the love between a father and child so that his view is not all negative. He has not seen both sides of the coin. There is not much more touching than to have a small hand curled inside your own, unconditional love and the chance to watch that person grow into a fulfilled adult. Don't make this too contrived but it would be good to see how he reacts with families and kids, as well as see how you feel. You do have plenty of time.
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A
female
reader, skye +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Hello Chrissy,
Im sorry that you are feeling torn between your boyfriend and the desire to have children. I understand what a difficult situation you are in.
David is right, children do scream and cry. They are costly, and very hard work, but also very rewarding. I dont know any parent who does not agree with that statement. When a little child throws its arms around you and tells you they love you, well your heart cant help but melt.
I would speak to david as soon as you can. Tell him how unhappy you are and how his reluctance to be a dad is making you feel. Perhaps he doesnt realise just how important it is to you. Tell him that you love him and want to have children with him someday. Also do not forget to tell him why you feel the way you do. Show him the rewards of children, by agreeing to babysit for a friend.
See if he will agree to compromise if you can. Suggest waiting until your finances are a bit stronger and perhaps you are married (I cant help that part - Im a hopeless romantic). You are still young and have many years to have children. Ask whether he believes his feelings towards children will change in a few years. Agree to wait and see "what happens", but always knowing that the resulting baby is wanted and loved by both its mum and dad.
Unfortunately, he could be unmoveable on this issue. If this is the case then you will both need to reassess your relationship. You cant stay with someone who does not want what you so badly do. It would tear you both apart. What if you simply became pregnant and found you where without David? These are all issues you should be discussing with him.
Im sure you can sort this out between you both if you just speak with eachother and clearly put across your views together. This way you can both agree what is best for your future happiness togther.
Good luck,
Skye.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (31 July 2007):
 My boyfriend and I were in a dilema just like this. We love each other so want to get married, he wants kids and I dont right now.
But we had to compromise! Its the key when you are so completely different about a specific aspect of life. We decided that we wouldnt get married just now, but that in a few years time when I was ready, we would marry and have a family. By then the chances are I would feel very different about kids.
You are both still very young, and although you may want kids very badly, you have to work out if 1. Your relationship is going to last, 2. If not having kids is going to affect the relationship and 3. If he is going to change his mind.
As I say you are both still very young and believe you me, one can change their mind!
My sister was always adimant that she DID NOT WANT KIDS!!! She had an accidental pregnancy, had a beautiful little girl and now is just so happy it happened!
Dont always take things at face value. He may change his mind in a couple of years. Just dont push him into something he doesnt want and will later regret!
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