A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. I’m 20 and he’s 22 so we’re still pretty young and we don’t plan on getting married or having kids any time soon. Especially since we’ve only been together for 2 years. But we have completely different viewpoints on some things. I was raised in a very traditional setting. My parents met in college, got married, and had 4 kids. That’s how I always thought it would happen to me. And I know things don’t always go as planned and I’m not in any way judging anyone else’s situation. That’s just how I always thought it would happen for me.Now, my boyfriend doesn’t come from a traditional setting. His mom never got married, has had a lot of different boyfriends, and he never really knew his dad. But he still has had the love and support from his mother, his grandmother, and his grandfather was basically his father growing up.Because of his situation, I try not to rub my so-called “perfect family” (his words, not mine) in his face. But the other night, I asked him if he ever wanted to get married and apparently, that is just not a question I should have asked.He said that marriage was overrated and nothing but a piece of paper and that his mom implanted that in his brain for years. She told him that he should never get married because it would end in a divorce and the woman will take all your money. Also, she told him that you have to pay more taxes if you’re married or something like that. I understand that because of things that have happened to her in the past she may think this, but I don’t think she should be implanting that in his brain.Also, he has no interest in having kids, ever. I’ve talked to him about it and asked him if maybe he’d change his mind in the future and I’m in absolutely no rush and he said no. He will never get married or have kids because his mom always told him not to.I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t even be talking about this, but it just bothers me that he has no interest in having a wedding or having a baby. These are things I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl. I just hate that his mother pretty much scarred him from this for the rest of his life. What should I do? Just let it go and just not ever bring it up again?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 October 2017):
 Honestly the best thing you can do is end things now. You are both young, but yet old enough to know what you want. You and he both want different things, he is not going to wake up and see the understanding in marriage, and I doubt he will change his mind against having children. So either you stay together knowing this or you finish now and find someone who wants the same things as you. You are very young so you are in no hurry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2017):
 As much as it sucks, this is not the guy for you - long term.
You want marriage and kids - he doesn't.
If he has been raised to (basically) hate the notion and idea of marriage he isn't likely to change his mind. And if he is sure he doesn't want to have kids, that CAN change but it might take another 10-15 year before he does. IF he does. Nothing you can build a future on.
I think it was GOOD that you asked him where he stands. What his standards, morals, and values are. I don't believe you have to have the EXACT same but they should feel like they can mesh. Not clash with each other.
While it might not feel like a big deal at 20-22 - it will at 27+.
So the question is do you spend MORE time investing in a relationship that isn't viable long term or do you just have fun for now? Up to you.
Considering that SO many young European couples date for a LONG time before deciding on marriage and kids (and often having kids before the marriage) - if your goals are to marry AND have kids... I don't think he is the guy for you.
BUT he is also ONLY 22. So there is room to grow and mature. Still, doesn't mean... he will EVER change his mind.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (29 September 2017):
 It is important for couples to have same aims and goals. If they diverge then there is no agreement but only aggravation. That's even in smallest things, let alone a big one like marriage and family.
Statistics do show that single parent kids are way more likely to divorce so even if you manage to persuade him to get married, odds are stacked against you whether it would last.
Which brings us to the main issue which is that you should not operate under a belief that you will be able to persuade him. Your description is clear: that under no future time frame he wants to get married. That leaves you in a situation that staying with him is a total waste of time.
Being in a relationship under hope that something will change is not a good strategy. Hope is not a strategy. So if this was me, I'd move on however hard this may be.
There are men who know early on in life whether they want to get married. Perhaps they may not be ready to do that at 21, but they do know that at some future point with some circumstances met they want to do that. I think you should seek that type of a guy.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (29 September 2017):
If you do persuade him into marriage and a family it will likely be with great resentment on his part. Marriages are difficult to hold together even if two people do have the same goals. In your case you have a guy who may very well dump you soon after your first child is born, leaving you and your child in the same situation he experienced while growing up. Imagine your life if your dad had not been present. If you're going to get married and have a family you need to do so with a partner who wants the same solid family life that you want. Your most important consideration here should be for the good of your future children...they deserve the best chance for having the same type of situation in which you grew up. You are putting their futures at risk of you persuade your current BF to be their father.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 I think that it will be a waste of your time staying with him when not having those things was drilled into his head since infancy.
Usually the goal in relationships is to work towards something - to have a direction yet he seems like he just wants to live a directionless existence while you want to experience the whole marriage and kids setting.
Look, we cannot blame someone for not wanting what we want and we certainly cannot blame him for not wanting kids or marriage because look at his upbringing; he didn't have any good examples to look up to in terms of marriage... he never had a stable life as you point out whereas you've had both your parents and siblings around all your life. All it means is that the two of you are incompatible is all.
It's better to break it off now than to spend years in the hope that he'll change his mind and allow you the life that you've always dreamed of. It doesn't make you or him are bad people, it just means that the two of you want different things.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 Break up, you're wasting your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): I meant to say:
"You aren't guaranteed your parents will never divorce."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): I pick-up the fact he's very immature. You can't ask a guy if he wants kids and expect a definitive answer when he comes from a single-mother household. There was no husband or father there.
For the most part, he only knows what he wants now in the present. Guys don't think in terms of weddings and strollers like women. You're pretty immature yourself; or you wouldn't be jumping to such conclusions based on a random conversation. You asked him a rhetorical question. He didn't realize you were quizzing him about the rest of his life!
You don't know your future either. Time and circumstance can change the course of your life and the decisions you make.
Surely his mother filled his head with things; because she only knows from her own experience. People done wrong tend to be cynical. She also wants his respect and unconditional-love in spite of the cards they've been dealt. All families are not the same. You are guaranteed your parents will never divorce.
His father abandoned the two of them, and she's somewhat bitter about it. She never married; so she has to make affirmations to herself to deal with it. Naturally, she has to explain to her son why she never got married. Surely he has asked.
She's a single-mother and she has had a number of boyfriends; yet none of them have considered taking on a family. So, he figures that's basically how men think. He has a grandfather; but it's not the same as having your own biological-father there to mentor and bond with you as fathers and sons do. It's totally different.
I think you're asking him too early in his life; and there is a high possibility that he may not foresee all these things with you.
He correctly pegged you for what your perception of his family is. That's why he used the reference "perfect family." He has a family, but they aren't exactly put together the same as yours. There's still love and cohesion. His mother didn't marry, and he doesn't want you either feeling sorry for her; or disrespecting her in any way. The response your were given is out of pride. He's letting you know he's fine with how his life has gone thus far. In spite of the situation he was born into.
It is likely you may part at some point. You may pursue a life similar to what you know and according to the traditions you are accustomed to. He may even pursue the same; but it may take him a little longer to get there. You can't say for sure he will never want to get married, or never have kids. That could happen incidentally or accidentally! Only the future knows!
No one can tell, no more than you can guarantee what will happen for you. Hopefully it will, and he will find his happiness in whatever form his destiny decides it should be.
You're so young that you may have a calling; and become some great woman who will change the world. You can't foresee that now. Even you may delay marriage and a family!
Don't judge. He could easily change his mind in the next five years or so. He's just not in that frame of mind at the present.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 September 2017):
 Marriage and kids - the biggest compatibility deal-breakers known to humans!
You want both. He wants neither.
Sorry to be blunt, OP, but you're both wasting your time. One of you giving in will only cause resentment.
She hasn't scarred him; she's influenced him. He could have changed his mind, but hasn't. Now it's just him - he doesn't value marriage or want kids. You do.
Some people do, some don't. You're not compatible long term, I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): He is unlikely to change his mind.
Maybe he will decide to marry you because he cares for you, but he won't suddenly start liking the concept.
Also, there's a reasonable chance he will never want kids. I never want kids. You can't have a kid unless both people are completely on board.
If the relationship is more important to you than your traditional happy-ever-after, then you should try to find a way to be fulfilled without the whole marriage and kids thing. Maybe you can compromise, like get married in a more private ceremony and foster children or something/get pets.
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