A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When we split up, she was with someone else in a couple weeks. We waited over a year to have sex, how could she move on so fast and just give herself away like that. We are back together now, can I trust her? Moving on and having sex with someone else seemed so easy for her
View related questions:
move on, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): trust, the bond has been broken. there is not much i can say. i would not take her back. something similar happened to me years ago and i was broken inside. if it was easy for her to forget about you for a night a have sex with somebody in just between a couple of weeks after your break up is not acceptable. not from my perspective. run bro, because it will hunt you forever, next time you have a fight with her and she goes out you will doubting about her. trust has been broken bro, you can not fix that easy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): You've had sex with only her and she has had someone else. Emotional bond broken. That is serious. Don't let other people (who have probably all had multiple partners) tell you its not. Its always easy to brush off experiences as unimportant - once you have had them. But if it is really so meaningless for her to have slept with someone else then it would not be a big deal for you (or her) to go out and do the same thing again now. It is not meaningless. Solutions? I don't know. There may never be one.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Cerberus, I appreciate you sharing your story and your words. I also wonder how much of this relationship was created before she left me. After all this time, should I dig for the truth?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): "Cerberus, how do I work past this?"
OP if it's a few years ago then you need to go seek counselling and professional help for this.
It didn't last that long for me.
It didn't last as long because I understood what happened and why, which let me accept it. The ex it happened with had 50+ partners before me, she literally let any guy who drunkenly crawled into bed with her have sex with her while she lay there just so he'd stop pestering her and let her go to sleep. Any guy who tried, sometimes she wouldn't even open her eyes to see who it was, she'd just hope he was done quickly then go to sleep. That was horrific for me to hear, the woman I loved could so easily be some douchebag's cumdumpster and for months I'd lay in bed next her and have these mental images play like movies in my head, it disgusted me I couldn't bear to look at her when those things went through my head but it only happened when she was asleep and I was still awake.
I came to terms with it once I understood it wasn't her as a person, she had her reasons for it and it all boiled down to a sexual dysfunction due to the fact she was sexually abused for years as a child. Sex to her became a tool to give to men so they wouldn't just take it from her anyway and to prevent her suffering the same thing as she had as a child.
It took a long while for me to able see past that and see that with me sex was loving, it wasn't just something she gave to me to keep me happy, she wanted sex with me, she wanted that closeness and also she refused if she didn't want to have it.
First off OP understanding was key, once I understood the mental state the place she was in her life, this tarnished image of my loving girlfriend being taken by so many guys faded away, because that wasn't woman she was now, she was a different person going through an insane amount of mental hell and that's not the woman who she was with me. All her past in terms of who she was with me was completely irrelevant. The now was the most important thing. The same applies to your wife, she wasn't in a healthy mental state at all she wasn't who she is. That woman who slept with that guy wasn't your wife, it was just her body, it was a person you wouldn't recognise as her at all because she was a mess.
Now the fact she was your first and you hers to me presents something good. There is no chance in hell sex with this guy, was better, more loving or anything like that than the love she's made with you. That's guaranteed or she wouldn't be your wife now. It also makes things a little more understandable in the sense that she waited so long with you because you were her special first the fact he didn't have to do anything to get to sleep with her isn't a sign he's better in anyway or that she's untrustworthy it just means she'd already had sex with you, knew what it entailed in that moment of extreme pain and vulnerability this guy swooped in and she had sex with him.
OP the problem here as I see it is this, you've only ever slept with her? So you have no comparison and no way of understanding what a meaningless shag is. How unimportant and thoroughly meaningless and even regrettable sex can be because you've never had sex for any negative reason. You've never slept with someone just to feel needed, wanted and for those few minutes just be able to forget about your extreme emotional distress and replace all that you lost for just those few moments. The best way I can describe what happened with your wife was like how masturbation feels when you're under a tonne of stress, just a release, a meaningless relief for a few moments.
OP it's easy for me to sit here and tell you all this because I got past it and I've experienced far worse in comparison. I had a girlfriend after her that I loved, cherished and adored that after a long time being together finally came out and told me in very graphic detail about the time she was hauled off at gun point and brutally and violently gang raped for an entire night. You think RJ is bad I hope you never have to go through that kind of pain. I cried alone for weeks, all the while trying to maintain things like nothing had changed. I suffered nightmares like you wouldn't believe, every fucking detail because she told me everything that happened I had to leave the bed to go into the bathroom to cry my eyes out in the middle of the night so she wouldn't hear me. I had to do everything in my power not destroy every guy I saw being too pushy with a girl who wasn't interested in night clubs, I went through untold hardship over that literally had those nightmares for a year, had the anger for a good few months and I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't tell anyone as I was sworn to secrecy, I couldn't go for counselling because I couldn't let her find out how much it affected me and put that on top of her own suffering. I loved her and I felt she'd deserved better than to have a guy just give up on her because he couldn't handle her past, that would be like raping her again in my mind. I couldn't let her past fuck her up in the present because she worked long and hard to get over that and to live a good life after, I couldn't live with myself if I let it become something that still effects her negatively through me. So I suffered and fought to be with her and be there for her. She was and still is a great woman.
I got through it OP, I fought past it, I understood what had happened, how it was a part of her life and not part of mine. I understood that it was just an event in her life that led her to where she was with me, it's not something that could be changed and at the end of the day it didn't happen to me and it had no tangible effect on me other than how I perceived it. So I got over it, it didn't go completely away I still think about it when reminded of things like that but it no longer has any emotional effect on me. I didn't give up and I felt extremely proud of myself for that and I was a good boyfriend to her. At the end it didn't work out for other reasons our lives just took separate paths but I will never suffer RJ again I can tell you that. I may get the mental movies but they will no longer have any significance to me.
I would have taken counselling if I could have but I didn't have a choice, I had to protect her from my pain because she'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be punished for it.
Go get counselling OP, if after years this is still plaguing you then you'll need to go to someone who can go through everything in detail with you, help you form coping mechanisms.
I sense there's a bit of jealousy in there somewhere that she's experiences sex with another person and you haven't but just know that one extra sexual partner does not mean anything in life, it doesn't make her impure, it doesn't mean she lusts after other guys, it doesn't make her untrustworthy it's just a mistake she made once when she was going through what was probably the worst time in her life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Cerberus, how do I work past this?
I don't know if this makes it more painful, but we were eachothers firsts, and she my only. She has only had this other dude, during our split. This was a few years ago, we are now married with kids. I do believe she is remorseful for what happened, but that doesn't help the nightmares and she bad thoughts that follow.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): you people are all whack.. hes not saying his trust is all about her messing with a guy when they broke up, hes wondering about the fact that she didnt have sex with HIM for a year but the second they break up, there is big dick penitrating her right away... think about it.. maybe she was trying to act like a "good girl" for "OP" but having sex with old or recent guy friends cuz she dosent want to be alone or thinks op will leave her if she puts out "easily" for him.. so she had sex with others while telling op she wants it to be special... oldest trick in the book for a girl that dosent love herself or believes nobody can.. op.. more than likely the guy she had sex with (which should have just been you, broken up or not, if she told you she loved you and meant it) was waiting for this type of situation.. some girls cant be alone and some girls are so "MENTALLY UNSTABLE" That they cant handle being hurt... BUUTTT they cause their own hurt, an then have somebody already planned out to be their for them, or they just find somebody immeadiately because (they have vaginas) an are intimate with someone else thinking that it is ture love, an they think that person cares more than you do about her... but its all in her head.. shes a fantasy thumper!!! im starting to realize that more women in this century are unstable and insecure like this but look op.. just trust me... RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN shes unstable emotionally and will cause you an infinite amount of pain because you CANNOT FIX BROKEN.. you can put the glass back together but you will always see the cracks.. she will hurt you 4ever... please op please just runnn trust me bro trust me..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): "Cerberus I dont know how you can give that advice with a clear conscience."
Very easily seeing as I went through it, fought it off and got over it.
"Just because it is possible to get past retro jealousy that is not a good reason to tell people they should count on that."
So what then, I should tell people give up? Tell people there's no hope? That wouldn't achieve anything, other than to have a guy just give up and never truly know whether he could have gotten over it because he never tried. Maybe he'll RJ into his next relationship and give up too because she has sex in a car with a guy in her past.
"Many of those people would have gotten out of the relationship early on if they had known it would still hurt so much so many years later. It is dangerous to give people false expectations about their future with this problem."
They're not false expectations, they're hope, they're manning up and trying. Not giving up when shit gets tough, not letting something that can be over come beat you.
What would you advise then male anon? Bailing? Running away just in case he can't get over it? and hoping he meets a virgin next time and she won't have anything at all in her history that makes all this pop up again? Throwing away what could be a great relationship over what is at the end of the day a minor detail in the grand scheme of our lives.
No, I beat it once and it never returned because the tools I used to cope, the strength I gained from fighting through it has made me a stronger, better person and meant I no longer see a sexual history as being all that valid unless there are actual bad signs like serial cheating. A rebound shag is nothing, I've had a few, I've been the guy in a few and they don't mean a thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Cerberus I dont know how you can give that advice with a clear conscience. Just because it is possible to get past retro jealousy that is not a good reason to tell people they should count on that.
Most people suffering from RJ are still in a lot of pain years down the road, despite trying hard to deal with it. Many of those people would have gotten out of the relationship early on if they had known it would still hurt so much so many years later. It is dangerous to give people false expectations about their future with this problem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Unfortunately OP the visions only go away with time. Trust me I know. They do go though and it no longer becomes an issue.
As for the easily bed another guy, I think you know as well as I do that's an irrational assumption. maybe she'd easily hop into bed with another guy if you broke up again and was in that much pain again but I doubt it's a mistake she'd make twice. She did not do this while in a relationship with you OP, so she didn't do anything morally questionable, she didn't cheat so to think she would chest just because she had rebound sex does not make sense.
OP I truly do know the pain, it's torture, every time you close your eyes you imagine the other guy and it plagues you but it does fade away. You just have to fight through it if you want to be with her. It may feel like she's cheated but she hasn't, that woman wasn't even the woman she is, that woman was a broken confused mess, not your girlfriend. You'l get over it OP. Just don't give up.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): It just hurts so bad, and I need to figure out how to get past it. We now have a wonderful relationship. I'm scared if she could have jumped into another mans bed so easily then, it would be easy for her now. I can't get the visions of her having sex with him out of my head and its destroying me inside. How do I get past this?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): A person who is only honest some of the time is not really honest. They are pretending to be honest when it benefits them. A person who treats you respectfully some of the time does not really respect you. They are pretending to respect you when it benefits them. A person who only lives by chaste moral values some of the time is not really chaste. They are pretending to be chase when it benefits them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): It's not an issue of trust OP you were broken up, she didn't break any rules and while it stings she's done nothing to ruin your trust.
She waited a year with you because she wanted to make it special because you were special to her and she wanted to wait.
When you broke up she was obviously devastated and did what many women do and turn to another guy for some comfort. She has rebound sex OP, there was nothing special about it, she's probably not even happy it happened but it's very common and it doesn't mean anything. In fact it is definite proof that it and he meant absolutely nothing more than a brief respite from the heartache of losing you.
It stings but it meant nothing, the only thing you need to worry about is that there are no medical after effects of that mini rebound fling she had by having her go get tested for STD's, that's it.
She's back with you now, she went a bit loopy for a little while which is understandable after a break up, surely you went your own personal hell and probably did a or said some things you regret but it's over now and you're back together.
Have her get tested, regardless if the sex was safe or not, and then just accept this as the nothing that it was. You know how hard a break up is OP, don't judge her for making silly choices while her head so completely ruined. It would have been exceptionally easy for you to have done the same had the opportunity arose.
The pain of it will fade just make sure you don't become embittered by it and don't treat her any differently because of it, she didn't actually do anything wrong.
...............................
|
