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female
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anonymous
writes: My 21 year old son started his own window-cleaning business about six months ago. My husband and I did everything we could to help him - giving him the almost exclusive use of our car, helping him out with petrol money,keeping his accounts, ticketing housing estates for more work for him etc, etc. His girlfriend, who he has been with for about a year, also went out working with him and tried to help him as much as she could. However, in spite of all this support, he is absolutely bone-idle. He rarely gets out of bed before ten in the mornings, and finishes around 4.00 p.m. He only works Saturday mornings if he absolutely has to, and any suggestion that he gets a bar job for two or three evenings a week meets with outrage. He has run his credit card debt up to nearly £1,500, he is overdrawn at the bank, owes me about £3,000, and hasn't paid me any rent for months. This has led to arguments at home, particularly between him and his father, and the atmosphere has become increasingly unpleasant. Now his girlfriend's parents have invited him to live with them, because he has told them he doesn't get on with his Dad and is unhappy at home. They have taken all his banking paperwork and business accounts, and say they are going to deal with them from now on. I am so worried that they wont be able to cope, and will get deeper and deeper into debt. I don't expect to ever get back the money he owes me, although it would be very welcome, but I feel that all the help we gave him has been thrown back in our faces. I am so worried about them both. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2005): Stop being so darn hard on yourself, hun. Allow your son to leave your home..and find his own way. You and his Dad have done waaaay too much already...he's an adult for goodness sake. If he's found someone else to use as a 'doormat" then be thankful..he's out of your hair. Sorry to sound harsh but this will be the only way he will learn and you cannot do anything about what he does, where he goes and whom he decides to "use' next. Your son is lazy and acting out irresponsibly because he has no reason to change. He is not changing because he isn't suffering major consequences for his bone-lazy behavior. Mom and Dad just kept bailing him out. If he is constantly rescued from the consequences of his laziness, then all and any help you both give him or his gf's family will give him...is enabling him to continue practicing this irresponsible, lazy behaviour. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not healthy loving.
I think you are too caught up in that notion that- we live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth. So when the adult child acts up, as parents we take on the guilt and shame. Stop doing that to yourself. There are no guaruntees how our kids will turn out...your son is likely a very good person..he just lacks ambition. The only way he will learn to get off his butt and start working, is for him to hit "rock bottom". A hard life lesson to learn but he'll get back on the right track to bettering his sense of value as a man, if he's allowed to "bail himself out". So no matter how much you want to help him, when he's at the lowest of lows..don't. Just be there to advise him and love him. But stop giving him money. Hopefully his gf's family will do the same eventually.
A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, strict boundaries. And this is what needs to be done with your son. Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for our children-unconditional love begins with loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we love if that is necessary. So be strong and quit rescuing him-let him find his own way in the world, through his triumphs and his failures. Be strong and please try not to worry. Take care, my dear.
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 October 2005):
 What you need to do is let your son start cleaning up his own messes. You've been helping him and easing his path and padding Life's sharp edges for him for (I'm guessing) about 21 years now, and it's about time that he learnt to take care of himself. Don't you think so?
I know that your and your husband's hearts have been in the right place all along. After all, you only want to help him get a good start in life, so he doesn't have to struggle. But when things get this bad, and he's stopped even *trying* to look out for himself, then any further help from you actually becomes "enabling" his poor choices.
What appears to have happened is that your son has learned, through trial after trial, that he really doesn't have to do anything to help himself, because someone else will always bail him out. To use a fairly ugly analogy, your son is a bit like a street beggar. You might think you're giving a beggar money so he has a place to sleep tonight, but there's a bigger chance that your largesse is simply making it easier for him to amplify his problems. Same with your son. He just accepts what you give him, and carries on in his selfish, idle way.
Does he need to work? No, someone else will pay his bills.
Does he need to pay rent? No, mum and dad will take care of things.
Should he look for a place of his own? No, the girlfriend's folks will let him move in.
Does he have to pay off his debts? No, he'll borrow some money and things will be sweet.
Are you starting to see this pattern? Your son doesn't try, because so far, I strongly suspect that he's never had to.
The only way to deal with your sad slob of a son is to let him know that you're not going to 'help' him any more -- and MEAN IT. I suggest you get him out of bed one morning at the crack of noon(!) and explain it to him, saying that you love him dearly and you can see that by always giving him what he wants, you've made him lazy and dependant on you. Tell him that from now on, for his own mental health, he may not live rent-free at your home. Tell him that you expect that money owed to you will be paid back, and that, no matter how small the instalments, you want them regularly. Explain to him that there will be no more bail-outs and that if his business fails, it will be because he didn't put the necessary effort into it.
Then tell him that, because he's a legal adult and fully competant to work, you expect that a reasonable proportion of his nett income will be collected for household expenses. Never mind if that's £20 a week. You should insist on it, because it will reinforce to your son that Life doesn't come free.
Then you need to set a date in stone for him to move out. Make it realistic, something like 6 weeks away, so that he has time to realise that you're serious. Help him find a flat, if necessary. Go through the bank applications with him (if you want to), and help him get a rental bond through a lending institution. That way, he's responsible for the upkeep of his own place.
In other words, nudge him out of the nest... and soon! This is the ONLY way that you can help him. If you continue to fix up his debts, and look after him as if he were a helpless child, that's exactly the way he's going to behave, and that's the self-image he's going to develop.
Yes, your son will stumble and he'll be broke for a while, and he'll have to live on baked beans for a week after he fills up his petrol tank... but all of us have been 21 and had to do those exact things. It develops character and makes us appreciate the nice things we work for.
Please do your son this favour. Don't worry about his debts. They are HIS responsibility and the sooner he learns that, the better for everyone.
Be strong.
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