A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question. I have trouble communicating with my boyfriend.We have problems and we are discussing them trying to work things out and find a solution.I tell him what the problem is ... simple example is I say he needs to work on his sleeping pattern, sleep earlier and wake up earlier. He agrees. And I ask him what time he plans to sleep and what time he plans to wake up. He says he don't know. He can't think. But he agrees he needs to change.I ask him to list a few things he needs to do to show me he wants this relationship. He negotiates with me .. he say how about only one thing? Then he comes up with one thing - "more effort". I ask him to be specific about one thing he will do to show me he put more effort. He says he don't know and ask me to give him examples. Clearly I know a very simple example of him showing me more effort is by waking up an hour early every day. But he does not know, cannot connect.I feel very frustrated as if I'm dealing with a kindergartener. He is in his 30's, he has a college a degree, he is not dumb. But WHY does he act this way!!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018): Hi, OP here.... Regarding the waking up example I used. He was the one that asked for my help in getting up earlier. His current schedule is to wake up around 3-4pm every day, shower, eat, etc and starts work at around 9pm, which he only does part time odd and end jobs. He wants a full time day job with benefits, paid holidays, paid time off, and financial stability so that he has medical coverage and can afford to move out of his parents place. I am trying to encourage and help him by having him accomplish milestones by waking up one hour earlier each milestone. I know I shouldn't have to do this as it does appear to be a motherly role.He understands and notices he is a bit behind in life.. but he doesn't understand when action is required to maje a change. It's like all talk, but no action.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018): Is he interviewing for a job, are you considering adopting him, or what?
The problem is not your boyfriend doesn't know how to communicate. You want to micromanage his life, and you're being a bossy-girlfriend. You hit him with one problem or complaint after another. I hope you've really got your own act together. You're one genuinely top-notch girlfriend! Sweet, considerate, patient, understanding, and kind.
Alarm-clocks are for people who oversleep. I can suggest for him what he should want in a relationship. Less condescension and mothering. To be treated like a man and not be emasculated, or admonished like he's still a ten year-old kid. Not to be consistently told how bad of a boyfriend he is. That's not working on problems; that's evidence he's the wrong guy for you!
The real problem is you're mismatched and incompatible.
Dump him and go find a guy you don't have to do a makeover on, or reprogram. You shouldn't settle for a fixer-upper boyfriend; if you want a reliable and mature-guy with his act together. If you have to change someone, you're with the wrong person. He should have what you want in a guy from the start.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (26 February 2018):
 He sounds just like somebody I once knew, very bright and intelligent but just couldn't communicate. It's just the way they are and very frustrating for us. I have often wondered if it's some form of autism. I don't think there's much you can do to alter the situation unfortunately. You either have to accept him as he is, or move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2018):
 Why does he need to work on his sleep patterns? Do you two live together?
And here is the thing OP, IF he needs to change his sleep patterns HE needs to do it, not you "mothering him to death" to do so.
YOU CAN NOT change his behavior. HE can change his behavior.
Now if this sleep thing is an issue - and I'm not sure why. Then it seems like it's spilling over into the rest of the relationship because YOU want him to change and while he SAID he agreed... HE ISN'T really wanting it. NOT because he doesn't understand that getting up that hour earlier is a good idea (if it is) but because YOU are telling him he HAS to.
Seems like you are taking on a "parent role" and he is acting like a kid.
He even NEGOTIATE like a child.
Having a college degree doesn't mean he is emotionally mature or emotionally smart.
Has he been in long term relationships before?
Do you two live together?
Is he a "momma's boy"?
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