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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My gf and I dated for 6 years. We are both 24. Anyways our relationship was good. We were both deeply in love. In the summer she said that she felt like she had drifted apart from me and that if felt like she only loved me as a friend and not a boyfriend. We talked it out and agreed that we have to start doing more stuff together and doing new things to keep the relationship from getting boring. She wanted to take a break back then and felt like it might of been to late to fix the problem. Anyways she agreed to try fixing the relationship. We started doing new stuff and spending more time together and she started saying how she loves me soo much and that everything is better now. She would talk about marriage and how she loved me soo much. That was a month ago (beginning of dec.) A couple of days before christmas she was acting weird so I asked her whats wrong. She said she feels like she still loves me as just a friend and not as a boyfriend. Anyways we split up last night. Her reason for the break up was that she felt the relationship had gotten boring and that because of that it lead her to feel like she loved me just as a friend and not a bf. She said that I am the perfect guy that she wants to be with and that she could see me as a future husband but because of the boring relationship she feels like she has missed out on spending time with her friends and dong other fun stuff. She said that all that stuff we can fix to make the relationship unboring but right now her heart and feelings toward me have changed. I told her that I can not be there for her as just a friend as I am still deeply in love with her and she said that she respects that even though she would love for us to stay in contact. I spoke with her friends and sister and they say that she is really confused about everything right now in her life and just to give her space.we officially broke up in december and I told her that we shouldn't have contact atleast for a month so it would sink in for both of us. She was the one that kept calling me. Also one day i didn't answer her calls and then 2 days later she tried again and she was sooo happy that she could actually talk to me. Another thing is that she would avoid it when I kept saying that this is the last time we are going to see each other. She would say that she doesn't want to think of it being the last time. She also told me that if I go somewhere for more then a month to email her and let her know so that she knows that i'm not around for awhile. Also if my phone number changes to let her know.After we broke up she would tell me that she keeps dreaming about me and everything reminds her of me. And she told me to move on because she feels bad if I wait for her. Another thing she said was that I'm everything that she wants, dress and act the way she wants a guy to act and dress but said it is just to late because her feelings have changed.I also asked if there is no chance or a chance in the future and she said that is isn't going to say yes or no because she honestly doesn't know. She said at the moment she has to say no but in the future she said she doesn'tknow. Then she started to tell me how her friends wanted to hook up with there ex's after a year or two because they realized who they really were. she also said that she already told everyone that she is proably going to regret letting me go.Also she broke down crying really bad at the restaurant when she said that she is scared that if something happens to me that she will never know. She also told me not to listen to my friends who are saying to let her go and never talk to her again. She told me I should listen to what my heart wants not my friends!??!? Are any of these things signs towards her just being confused and needs to miss me?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 January 2007):
Humans are complex and in some ways conflicted. This girl loves you, and you love her, but there is a part of her that is not fulfilled in your relationship with you, and there is more to having a relationship than there is to having love, unfortunately. A connection missing or a feeling not fulfilled, it can be a number of things. This is true to an extent in all relationships. In successful relationships, these things that are lacking in the relationship are either fulfilled by other means or through other people, or in some cases are trancended through heightened awareness and dropping the desire. But it does not work by denying the feeling or desire, or connection. Your girlfriend is conflicted because she loves you but feels that in your relationship she is denied something important to her.
In other words, your girlfriend has recognised that there is something missing in the relationship, in you, or in her, and she has chosen to go out in to the world to find it. In spite of the fact that she loves you, and you love her. It is a very difficult choice, but she has considered all of her thoughts and feelings and has made a decision.
On knowing this, my advice to you is the following:
1. You love her. Loving someone is different from having someone or being with someone. You are no longer with her and do not have her, but you still love her and I would recommend you continue to love her as long as your heart tells you that you love her. This does not mean you should see her or be friends with her if you don't want to or are not ready to. In time, your heart will learn that you can love many people in life, and that loving someone does not mean you cannot love anyone else. In fact the opposite is true, the capacity to love one person is a hint into our true nature that we should actually be aware of our love for ALL people. In terms of realtionships, you may look to choose one of the people you love in your life to be your partner, that you dedicate yourself to. This does not necessarily have to diminish your love for others, only your desire to "have" those people. You will decide whats best for you in the love department, in time.
2. You have to accept her choice at the moment. You cannot predict the future, and you cannot discover what she will learn about herself. She may want to come back to you in a year or two. She may not, but either way it changes nothing about your decisions. You need to live your life in the present. Do not dream of a possible future life with her that is only a fantasy. Do not dwell on your past memories, they are gone. Live in the now, and really LIVE. Have fun, enjoy your life, be single if you want to be on your own, meet other girls if your heart is ready to be open. As time goes on, you can always choose the direction of your life.
3. Your girlfriend has made a choice to not be with you, but you can see how much she misses your love and friendship and companionship. This does not mean that you have to be there as her friend, as her support whilst you are going through a difficult time on your own. If you do not have the strength to be her friend, or if it is too difficult or confusing, do not do it. You have the right to take care of yourself and your needs first. She will be able to take care of herself, and you are not responsible for her AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE.
4. If you feel like you love her, and she loves you, and you think the things she is looking for can be resolved, you can suggest that you both go to a relationship councellor, or that she go on her own, in the interst of her own happiness and possibly you keeping your relationship with her. She may feel it is too late, she may feel there is no point, or she may even go though concelling and decide it is better that she be on her own. It is just an option. Councelling does help people and couples come to terms with their problems, so you both stand to benefit.
That is all I have at the moment, good luck with everything.
A
male
reader, A Spirit +, writes (13 January 2007):
Sounds to me like she doesnt want to be around. My girl of 6 yrs. has the same feelings but wont tell me anything. She ended up flirting with someone online behind my back. Then she decided to start to pleasure herself, in my bed, while she was talking to him on the phone. I think it is easier for these women to tell you what you want to hear, rather than their true feelings. Then if all doesnt go well with whatever there doing your still there, waiting. I wish my girl came to me and told me what was in her heart. Would have been alot easier. Just make sure, whatever you do, do it for yourself! Not for her.
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