A
male
 ,
*ude007
writes:Basically we are one year down the line, and I have broken up with the girl again........again not being able to talk things through, and taking the silly option of splitting...........Well its one year on and its happened again.I started a new job, was travelling long hours after xmas, and coming home and we didnt seem to get on after xmas, I was late on xmas day as I didnt get to bed till 5am, she went crazy forgave me....but i sensed i hurt her....after a great new year together, we had a few tiffs, and then when we had an argument (silly) about what one of her friends had done (put an embarrasing photo of her) on her bebo site, we never really spoke, I was tired fed up of arguing, and never really said much the next day.....I got drunk while away overnight with my new boss, went back to hotel, and phoned her, was mean, and said we should take a break.... (i think i was looking for a reaction) but she then got upset, and really upset...I realised what I did the next day, hungover, tried to call she said it was over, and that i had a split personality, and that she was raging with me......and didnt want to speak to me......I have emailed, and tried to speak to her she refuses, Ive just sent her a text saying that I miss her, love her, and know I lost my way, but I know she is determined about not seeing me as i suspect she is still hurt........What should i do? I guess im asking again......We should never have split up, i accept im not a good relationship talker, or listener...but I cant do anymore i dont think, I know when we are good we are good, but things can go bad at times as well.Jude
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male
reader, jude007 +, writes (27 February 2007):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks soo much, I have laid this to rest, and do not see the friends thing working
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 i gues you feel so much better now being so honest about how you feel without any fears of letting out, if u were really a closed book i am sure this was your first communication lesson. i hope u have learnt your lesson from this one. close this door and seek the open window. all the best
Jovial
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A
male
reader, jude007 +, writes (27 February 2007):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks jovial, after today I will move on, I have emailed her the following as one last attempt.... didnt get alot of sleep over the last few weeks, and im fed up of it all now....
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Hi, Its me again...and again I know....
Its 2.15 in the morning, and I am once again up because all I can think about is being there with you....
I'm sitting thinking, no not beating myself up thinking, trying to make sense of all this...
Firstly I still admit, hold my hand up and admit I made a huge mistake at new year, and then again with the telephone number nonsense after we split, on thinking back I was annoyed at the fact we were arguing, I admit that, especially over things that we should have been like "does it really matter", "is it worth arguing about"...., but you ask about if I was happy, yes I was happy, yes I know I messed up on xmas day as well, I cant make excuses I was wrong, very embarrassed myself, and I let down everyone, including my whole family, however I made it eventually, but If i'm honest, I was a bit worried, and knew I had hurt you that day, and felt so bad Nic that day, and remember apologising for days after....
Then the thing came with the skirt at my party, I do admit saying that, but its maybe a stupid thing to have said in front of your pals, but I loooooveed u in jeans, I always said u should have been a jean model, i didn't mean to be nasty or for you to take it the wrong way..... I think u always looked great whatever you wore, you knew that, I loved u naked, in pj's, or dressed up to the nines, I loved u for what you were, are,...., and I remember we got on well for the rest of the hols, until that fateful couple of nights, I admit I didn't spend so much time with you and your family, because I didn't always want to be there, and matching that, my friends who I never saw last year at xmas were home, but as you know I was also worried about the other "thing" turning up, and yes maybe for my face, but more on your part, I know how hurt you were by that, and I got reminded of it, but you cant change what's happened, and when you came back in 2004 and asked me out again, you knew that this was an issue, which we successfully overcame, but I agree it was difficult for you......
Then I thought actually at the hogmanay, everything is sorted we have got through the year, all in all, I think we enjoyed the company, the times we had, and maybe we did have some bad times as well but ill get onto that later.... spoke about marriage, moving in, and then your auntie mentioned moving in together, and you shot it down instantly, I was soo disheartened....and gutted, maybe I deserved it after xmas, and the shit that went on in dec, and xmas day etc....
but I was embarrassed, and in my usual way I just made a joke about it........ to brush it off...
Then we argued for that week I was going away, I know that I was getting myself in state at all the offshore training, as i am no water baby!, I when I say I was worried, I was, I knew that all the things that happened at xmas may have effected my plans for this year, I was still a bit pisd of if im honest, about things, that were said, however I know I am no angel in that department either, I went up to aberdeen, was looking forward to the weekend, however I wanted to keep a night for Raymond, and thought you be seeing the girls... so I left it off till the thurs.... got back understandably tired, a bit stressed as you do get at your new work..., and also worried about my plans for us..... I cant even remember why I even phoned you I know that I did have too many, probably on an empty stomach as the indian meal was brutal, and I was frustrated at we were arguing, I lost it I admit it, I admitted it before, but I didn't completely lost it I know and hour after my stupid, idiotic, and down right ridiculous call to you, I text you back saying we would talk, by that time the damage is done......
and obviously you didn't want to talk to me, I was hurt, I know I hurt you even more so.
But Nic, I know that I hurt you, I soooo know that, but when I look at things, yes we had a pretty bad december, its highs and lows, but when you say you look at our relationship and there were a lot of lows, well maybe there were, but I know that the good times outshone them, we were together for some time to say that there were too many bad times, maybe they still hurt you, and feel bad, but in time they would have healed, just like my wounds have healed. My Family and Friends, realised how happy you made me and if you ask them, they dont give opinions, the just want my happiness, if thats with you then so be it, if not then they still want my happiness....as I imagine yours are.....
As you know Nic, i'm not daft, i'm not living in a fantasy world, I know when things work and don't work, I also know that when you leave someone you leave them because you don't want to be with them, is all the things, i've said, done, writing, cried, sobbed, emailed your friends, called, spoken to people about you, asking how you are, and even prayed to god, that this will sort itself out - are they all actions of a man, who deep down, 100% wanted to never see you again, they were actions of a confused, under the influence
, silly immature idiot, who has learned believe me.
With us ...in fact the thing with us, we had chemistry, and that's why we get on, we got on anyway, but you seem to think we get on when we are pals, we got on full stop, maybe not all the time and we did argue too much I agree, but we never ever did the correct thing, by sitting and saying "J or Nic, look lets meet each other half way here, come on eh, or is this really worth it babe".... Prime example was last week, Last week was the first time we have ever ever opened to each other, you felt I was a closed book, I was a closed book, because I never heard what I wanted to hear, and when you said "You wanted this to work between us more than any relationship",(i got really upset) well I would have known where I stood, I was closed because I never wanted to band about that I loved you, yes course I did, I was scared of getting hurt too.... just like you.....and when u want to say them to the amazing person u are waking up more or less everyday but cant it gets hard....
But now its all becoming clear to me now, I was scared..."why?", well you Nic, are the most caring, loving, beautiful, and (i use it again) unique women I have ever met in my life, and when I met you I just knew there was something so special, honest, and better than any women I have ever met in my life, I knew after 3 Weeks that I loved you, I remember heading to work, tunes playing, me singing, didn't have a care in the world. We got on amazing, then all of a sudden the dream stopped, I was distraught, yeh I've had been down about women, but never as much as with you, and I guess that's why I was so "closed"....
A year down the line, and after hardly being in contact, and spending probably what would equate to a 24hrs in each others company, we ended up in edinburgh on a night out, and that when I felt like I had won the lottery, when you asked to try it again..... That night Nic, I put belief in you that night, with no doubt ever after being in the again in the loneliest time of my life, even if distant I still cared, and loved you, but realised that maybe you were happy with someone else, and i loved you that much I just wanted you to be happy, I always said that to your friends..... But I believe its says alot that we overcame a hell of alot to come back as one, and continued to do so......
I'm not pleading, or upset, i've done all that, this hasn't been easy for either of us, and this weeks, down the line I cant get you out of my head, because of the above and when I think back to how you make me feel just sitting next to each other, holding each other, is unlike any feeling I have ever ever felt in my life....
Although you don't believe me, this has happened for the best in terms of my approach to aspects in my life its given me the shake I needed, but overall, and as I say I am not beating myself up, I just know that if we talked, and were open not closed, I already feel like I understand you better through all this. I know that you don't see it working, but I swear , that I will make this right N, and realise what's important, and what my priorities are....... I just want you to think about this N, last week meant alot, it showed that this week, next month, 6 months down the line, we DO get on, the circumstances, don't matter, the "times" don't matter, we have chemistry that the main thing... -its the small things, like I have mentioned, that could lead to a happy life with each other, so in escence I guess I am asking you to think about things, maybe not believing me, but all this, the last 2 months, are not actions from half hearted man, I ask you your forgiveness, and to also maybe have belief like I had back in 2004, which to this day is the greatest night of my life.......
Right now I'm incomplete with out you Nic, no one can or ever will replace you.....
I have learned, I want to learn more with you babe, together as the Team we were....
I want to grow old, I want to see each others dreams together
I just want to be with my babe, as I want to Marry You, I really do......
But I'm under no illusions, if you cant see me in your life ever again, then we can't do anything about it, we have to draw i line under it all, yeh I love you but it has to come from two ways for any relationship to work, as I always said I do know what to do to fix, it - but we need your belief, if not now, in time you will see, as we agreed to keep in contact, but who knows what will happen or where our destiny lies....but I promise we can get through this all, but only as one
and if not,
You deserve to be happy,
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (27 February 2007):
hi Jude
iam sorry things turned out this way. you tried to make it work but her wounds are still fresh, so i gues its time to move on, it is understandable wanting her back because you love her but she hasnt forgiven you for all the things that went wrong in the relationship. about friendship i dont know if its such a good idea, it hurts even more to be friend with someone you love, if you can handle that then you can be friends, but if u know it will be breaking your heart to just sit next to her and pretend all is well i say stay away.
accept that date with that girl and just have fun you deserve that. loosing her doesnt mean loosing the world. i know it was rude for your friends to compare your relationship with your material possessions but i think they thought it will make u feel better. so hang in there you are stronger than you think, give the other girl a chance you have nothing to loose anyway.
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A
male
reader, jude007 +, writes (25 February 2007):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, just an update, on all of this after the meeting....We met spoke about loads, not us at first, and our plans for the next month or so..... Then I mentioned how I messed up, and she got all upset, in the middle of a bar, it was very emotional we were holding each other. I said "we could do this", she said " no I hurt her, and we have tried together 3/4 times....and ended up splitting, however she admitted she sooo wanted it too work".... but she was willing to put herself through it all, and that we seem to get on better apart than with with each other, ie friends.....I did what I could however she would not budge, I asked to her today, she said its not a good idea....I was out last night, and asked out by a girl, lovely bruntette, however it may be too sooon......Im extremely gutted about this girl, I know time is a healer, but I guess I can only be there for her the way she wants it, ie friends - but does friends really work?!?!?Oh I dont know, my friends say I am not exactly struggling - I have a great family friends, nice apartment, nice motor, and excellent and well paid job, but I soo wish she was back and it would all be complete....
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (20 February 2007):
hey J
i am glad things are becoming clear now. Her mail depicts that she doesn’t want you anymore she said she was always happy to meet-up with u but lately she is not feeling the same. She made it clear that she doesn’t want you to think you guys still have a chance because she said you guys made a good decision to split-up and she doesn’t want to keep on wondering how things could have worked between you two, she seem to have made peace with the break-up and now its your turn to let her go. I don’t know why she was bothered by you speaking to some girl find that out when you meet.
Use the next meeting to get the closure you need, so that you can move on peacefully. You love her I know but it takes two for a relationship to work, you gave her a lot of space and you were there for her when she was going thru some difficult time in her life, and love alone cannot make it work, she is no longer willing to make it work and for your sake I am sorry but you have to learn to move on. If you guys are meant to be your hearts will find each other again right your time together is up.
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A
male
reader, jude007 +, writes (19 February 2007):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, well here is the latest update, I was working away, and while her op was happening, I sent flowers, and champagne to her parents, where she was staying....I returned to a lovely tel msg thanking me, and that i shouldnt have, then i go out for a few drinks, speak to people, as normal, and then sunday morning, I get an email asking if i went away with someone. Which I didnt I only spoke to the girl....(anyway I live in a small town where people have small minds)Anyway after email tennis/text tennis on sunday I told her if she didnt believe me then never to speak to me agian, as I was a bit annoyed.... So now we are meeting up, tomorrow to discuss the following...please read her email to me - below... "I've always been happy to meet for a catch up now and then, but haven't because I do think we’ve made the right decision and I don't want to talk over and over again about how "it could have worked" - The reason Ihaven't met up with you is because I don't want you thinking we might get back together when I think we've made the right decision, I really do!! - It's still very hard for me though because at times we did/do get on well, butI know overall we just weren't right for each other.. So I'm not sure if you'll still want to meet up"I know I can make things work, and I think if she really didnt want to see me then she wouldnt....im confused she was upset cos I spoke to a girl, etc etc.....we were together on and off for 3.5 yrs...splitting 3 times, all over arguments, not the fact we went off each other etc..... and we are both very stubborn....J
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (13 February 2007):
hello jude
i am glad you decided to chill i think if she is allowing phone conversations its a good sign she is willing to forgive. just be there for her during her op and dont push things, because you might exceed the limit unknowingly. your actions will speak for you. about going out and have fun is not something you dont have to put on hold the how part of it is what matters, if she is worth fighting for going out on dates kinda of fun might jeopardise every chance you might have with her. let her get better and after that you guys can start talking about your future together or the future without each other that way you will be able to move on without any regrets. update me if you dont mind
good luck
jovial
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A
male
reader, jude007 +, writes (13 February 2007):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThansk for this, I agree with waht your saying in everyway, we have been on and off for 3 years, and something had to give.....
she had a very bad experience with someone in her early 20's, guy more less ditched her at the isle....
I intend to cut the drink out, i have had problems with holding it in the pst....
she will only speak on the phone, and wont see me, she has an operation tomorr, and only wants to keep in contact via email or text, or calls...
I guess I will let it lay now....
but I know should i go out and have fun it will end all hope...i guess i need to chill now? right? thanks for your truthfulnesss
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (8 February 2007):
dear Jude
i think what you need to do is to give a bit of time because right now she feels disrected by your behaviour i know you think you did all this with the influence of alcohol but the truth is you knew exactly what you were doing so stop saying things you regret afterwards while drunk. she is deeply hurt and is failing to understand your personality so give her some space, maybe when she is calm she will respond to your mails, but by the look of things dont raise your hopes up.
in future learn to be more communicative and be more patient with your partner that way you will be able to know what to say and how to say it, and stay away from alcohol is not good for your personality otherwise you will end up alone.
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