A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i've been chatting to this woman online for about a month, and we hit it off immediately. we exchanged photos and then she asked me out for a drink. however, she is quite busy so we haven't yet set a date yet although we were planning to meet up next month. over the past four weeks we have been sending messages to each other every day, or every other day, and the last few exchanges became quite in-depth and lengthy. my last message i sent to her remarked on how intimate i thought our conversations were getting, and that while it was amazing it was also a bit scary - but in a nice way! i sent the message five days ago, she read it four days ago and then has since logged in twice to the site, but not yet replied. worried that i might have scared her off, i've just sent her a message saying that's she's gone a bit quiet and said that maybe my last message to her had unsettled her in some way ... i gave a heart-felt apology and said i'd never want her to feel uncomfortable with what i had written ... maybe she thought it was getting a bit intense? but our messages have been fairly intense in terms of our connection ... she even remarked herself earlier on that she felt really connected to me, but was terrified of meeting and risk breaking this connection, in case there was no physical click. but at the same time, she seemed keen to meet up anyway.do you think she has been scared off, or just needs some space to think things through? and was sending through an 'apology' the right thing to do - i was hoping to put her mind at rest - but does it sound desperate?? any advice please, i really liked her online presence!
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (20 November 2008):
No big mystery. She means precisely what she says. Dating is a tough game. You head out into the world and meet a lot of people trying to make a connection. This woman was fortunate enough to make two connections. If she was just making friends then she'd have two friends - sweet! - but with romance you have to choose just one person if you really want the relationship to work.
She had to choose. Real life contact is an advantage, so she chose the other person. That doesn't mean she doesn't also value the connection she made with you. It seems she does. I would recommend accepting her offer of friendship. You never know what happens down the line. Maybe you end up with a great friend... maybe things don't work out with the person she's dating and you are in prime position. Maybe you meet IRL and find that she really doesn't spark you romantically after all. Who knows? Go with the flow.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, she wrote back and apologised. basically she's met someone in real life, and they have both agreed to not date anyone else at the moment. as part of this agreement she has taken her online dating profile off the site, but says she loves our conversations and still wants us to continue to be in touch "as friends" and also wants to meet up "as friends" for a drink! now what does that mean?? she has also forwarded her personal email address and mobile ... hmm ....
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (15 November 2008):
Okay first of all, just be yourself. Don't second guess what is going on in someone else's head. I am a woman and I don't see anything wrong with either your honesty about how you are feeling about your exchanges or your apologizing for possibly making her feel uncomfortable. You are being very genuine. It's really very refreshing actually. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to make a connection with a woman. We all want that, and yes we are a little scared of it too. That is totally human.
There are a hundred possible reasons why this woman may have chosen total radio silence. Perhaps she is married or involved and was craving some connection that she is not getting at home, and now she is realizing that it's getting a bit deeper and you are a real person and she is feeling guilty because she knows she isn't being genuine and you are. Perhaps she has met someone else IRL and it's just bad timing. Perhaps she genuinely likes you but has intimacy issues. I think the fact that she is "too busy" to meet IRL is a clue that she may not have actually been looking to go any further than an online correspondence. Someone who is looking for a genuine connection is never "too busy" to meet for an entire month.
I think the perspective that is needed here is you have let yourself get emotionally involved with a woman you haven't even MET yet... and truly don't know anything about. It's quite easy for people to be very charming behind the mask of a computer. It's also quite easy for you to let your imagination fill in all the blanks. I would say let her go. If she contacts you then tell her you would really like to meet face to face when she is ready. If she balks then you need to walk away, because she is not serious.
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