A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:One of my friends, who is also my ex confuses me so much. For months (since about June last year) we flirted continuously except there was a catch. He started to like one of my other friends too and 2 of my other friends liked him. I know this looks ridiculous but when he chose me i was so happy because i liked him so so much. We went out for about 2 and a half months and then it started to crumble and he dumped me while we were waiting for the bus and about 30 people overheard. I was so upset and shocked and cried about it for a long time (but never let him see). For the next couple of months i dreamed about getting him back and he seemed to flirt alot, then suddenly he'd change his tone and act like a jerk. Finally i thought i moved on and i went out with another guy, but it didnt work out.It was working for a long time, being friends and we talked alot but recently he started acting distant again. Last Tuesday he said the most horrible things such as: 'get your act together or i wont stop raging until you're drowning in your own tears'(except i know that he takes out his own problems on other people). Admittedly i cried alot about it- i don't believe i'm a bitch or a horrible person, let alone to him. I know rationally that i shouldn't listen to what he says if i know i'm not what he accuses me of but i do hold his opinion very highly.He then on Friday started acting decently towards me again but he never apologizes and this time he really hurt my feelings.Everytime i feel like i'm over him he does something to make me like him again and i feel like i can't shake my feelings for him.My friend took his side on everything, she always does and the things he accused me of doing were actually things she does. I know that she says horrible things to him about me and in general talks about me behind my back.To summarise. Is it worth trying to be his friend, and what causes him to always change his attitude towards me?
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (15 November 2008):
Wow. This guy sounds like a real jerk. I know there is a psychology of wanting what we can't have... and sometimes we want so much to win the love of the unavailable guy. But all this guy seems to do it hurt you. And he seems to get off on the fact that he can be horrible to you and then still get you to come back to him. The fact that you keep falling for it makes him lose all respect for you. So he keeps hurting you because he can. I don't know why guys are like that, but sometimes they are.
You really need to get away from this guy he is BAD NEWS and will just mess you up and keep you crying. Also it doesn't sound like your "best friend" is very much of a friend at all either. You need to find new people to hang out with who will actually treat you well consistently. It may be hard but trust me it is so worth it to feel good about yourself.
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (15 November 2008):
 Hi hun. I read your post twice just to get a sense of it. I guess what really hit me was the fact you are so young, at a time in your life when so many new opportunities and experience are still to come and it seems you have fixated, shut down and are hung up on this TOXIC individual who is basically, keeping you from seeing the sunshine. You are enabling him to treat you like this. I know of what I speak as I was in an almost identical situation recently. Your very first paragaraph says it all. This guy is you friend and your ex and he confuses you. He does sound passive aggressive to me and is probably enjoying the ego strokes he is getting from putting you on this roller coaster. He knows fair well that you still have a thing for him and he is milking it all he can. Do not be too hard on yourself hun. You sound sweet and senstive and he knows his actions will hurt you and yet he continues. Why did he not stop the first time he knew he hurt you. It sounds to me as if you have to keep seeing him which is unfortunate. Hun, you cannot move on unless you face the truth. This relationship is over and from what you describe this man is no friend of yours. I would say he is abusive.Are you attracted to people who do not treat you well. Sometimes we all are. Why did it not work out with the other guy? How did he treat you?
Stop dreaming and obsessing about this clown. Get out with your friends, get involved with things and do all you can to put major distance between yourself and this man. Remember that you are special and all you are whether you are with a guy or not. I would avoid any situation where you have to see him. He is obviously used to being the cutest jock on the block. Turn the tables on him. He will not know what hit him when he sees you have moved on. I would question the loyalty of your friend. She may not be the best friend for you now. When he sees you are moving on he may flirt harder to get you interested again..do not fall for it. Good luck hun xxxx
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