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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,Me and the bf had a row the other day mostly over porn related issues. He has now said that hes not going to go on the pc anymore as this then wont cause any arguments between us. Whilst this is all well and good, I dont want him to stop going on to the internet because of me as it feels like im telling him that he cant do something. I have tried talking to him about it and he refuses to listen, i said you have bitten your nose of to spite your face and he was like well you wont need to go checking up on me now and it wont cause any arguments. the reason i went loopy about porn is that we didnt have sex that week and i was convinced it was because he was looking at porn, he says this isnt the case and it was just something he did when he had time on his hands and has no bearing on our sex life (which in the main is pretty excellent between us) Whilst in the main I believe this to be true it now feels awkward at home, he doesnt belive that we need to have sex all the time, doesnt mean he loves me any less because we are not having sex, just that we are comfortable enough not to need to do it. Thats all very well but what about wanting to have sex! I can never seem to find the middle ground wheter its me going on at him about it and then him not feeling like it, all the time, or him just not in the mood or just not wanting it. I know he loves me, wants me and does anything for me, i just want more sex, doesnt matter how i phrase it we end up at the same point time and time again, and now its just got worse cos i now feel ive told him he cant do something and feel that this is going to go on and on and im going to feel awful about him not going on the pc because of me, when all i wanted was for him to see my point. Its not like we dont have sex, it can be off and on, sometimes more than others and i guess i want it more of a constant and he seems to think that we have a great sex life why over do it, i know he wants me but this is getting stupid now.. Feels wierd that its the female that wants it all the time, and he like doesnt, but he has normally got a high sex drive, will masterbate and says his sex drive is as high as mine he just doesnt need to act on it all the time. What can i do to correct this, i dont want him to feel he cant do something but get him to see that he doesnt have to stop just have some consideration for me, think this argument between us has been done to death and dont know how to fix it now!! Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006): I think if your boyfriend has a porn issue then his sex drive is probably higher than he is letting on. If he has been using porn for a long time, it is quite likely that it has affected his ability to be intimate with you. He probably finds it easily to be sexually fulfilled by porn than by you. It's certainly a problem you can both tackle though, it must just take a bit of time for him to become more comfortable with linking sexual pleasure with someone that he can be intimate with.
If it does turn out that you have a higher libido (sex drive) than him then you are faced with the decision as to whether or not you are still happy to be with him.
Personally speaking, my sister was once in a great relationship in every way but sexually, her libido was greater than his. Eventually they broke up because her boyfriends lack of sexual interest made her feel like she was being neglected which brought with it all sorts of other problems relating to her self confidence.
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