A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my boyfreind for 2 yearswe have been arguing and irritating each other for 2 months now.It started really as he got a new job as a manager and has been coming home around 9 pm at night.At first i thought maybe he was cheating, but as he calls me from work and only 3 men work there then the chances are low.I went through the mardy stage of him coming home late, then the supportive stage of doing him some tea and keeping it warm, and now ive given up, i have my own hobbies and social life out of work, but he has given up on his and just works, sleeps and eats!we have spoken about all this and he has said he does need to get his priorities in order.But we are still arguing! i have started going out with my girl freinds more and more and also a guy who i find attractive who i have known for 7 years who also makes me laugh alot.Is this the end?, as he did leave last saturday but then came back, but i was on my out anyway, we just dont seem to have anything to say to oneanother and i cant be doing with the bitterness any longer.Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
over this weekend e have chatted alot about US, we have argued aswell, Decided it is both of us that need to change, so we are going to try,
Thankyou for you answers they helped me sum everything up
;-]
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (18 July 2008):
 Hey. I don't think anyone on here can tell you whether it is 'the end' or not...you and your BF are the only ones who have any control over that.
It does sound like you have given up on the relationship at the moment - and sometimes it is easier to to walk away and 'get something new' rather than try and look at what's going wrong and what you can do to potentially 'fix' it. I am not trying to be critical of you - I feel for you in the current situation - but I do think that as a society in general we have a very 'throw away' attitude, and that that may be why so many relationships end that may not have in say, my parents generation or their parents generation.
Don;t get me wrong...I am not advocating sticking it out in a relationship that is not meeting your needs. I guess I am just saying - think before you jump!
One thing in your post alarms me - it sounds like in a 'defensive' kind of mode you have decided to 'have your own life'...this is fine, but the fact that you are going out more and more and particularly with that male you mentioned...it does make me wonder how your relationship is meant to improve if you have other 'fun' things on your mind?? Of course you are going to see only the negative aspects of your partner and your life with him if you are constantly out having your fun with other people. Is the only time you spend with your man the 30 mins in the morning before he goes to work??
He sounds like he isn't commiting to keeping the relationship going...but I don;t think you can lay blame totally with him....it takes two to argue and there are probably things you are doing (whether sunconsciously I don;t know) that aren't helping the situation.
I'm certainly no expert - but my advice is to firstly - decide whether you want to fight for this relationship, is this man worth working for? If the answer is no - then it IS over and you should tell him sooner rather than later. If you aren't ready to give up altogether - think about what small steps you could take to improve the situation - you'd be surprised what could happen.
It sounds like you probably BOTH are feeling undervalued and unloved...and most importantly misunderstood or unheard. There are probably 'hot topics' that keep coming up over and over that you end up in huge rows about because each of you feels so misunderstood and defensive...the fisrt step in my opinion would be to get some 'fun' and closeness back for the two of you. Maybe plan a 'date' - where he has to commit to the time and the two of you do something you enjoy together. You are absolutely right - he needs to prioritise you and your relationship...but so do you. Going out with your friends is great...but not all the time. So - think of something you can do together, book the day/time and look forward to it.
I would also suggest that you take a look at how you communicate in your 'arguments'...if you change how you respond or react to him you might see much better communication occur and you might get somewhere. Try letting him talk without interrupting (easier said than done for us gals!!)...then, after listening rather than "defend" yourself and launch into telling him what YOU think about it...reflect back what he has said...sounds corney but if you can show him that you have 'heard' him...it will make a difference. If he feels you've understood and heard his point he will then be in a better frame of mind to hear your point of view...does that make sense? So - reflect back what he says then you can slip in some "I" statements...eg: when you do ....I feel...., so it is not blaming kind of talk like "you are always putting me last"...
these subtle changes in how you communicate to him MAY make alot of difference...and may stop these hot topics escalating into full blown fights.
Finally - try to set a time when it is OK to talk about concerns or problems...sometimes couples fall into the trap of bringing up gripes at 'bad times' - eg: right before you go to sleep, when your partner has just sat down for the night etc....if you both plan a time and then set a limit to how long you talk about the "issues" it might make your time together seem less of a drag??
These are just some small strategies - but maybe they will help?? I don;t know?
Either way, I hope things look brighter for you very soon!
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