A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I’m in a relationship now for 4 and a half years the problem is it’s so boring we never go anywhere together it’s the same routine everyday I try to get him to come places with me but he’s never interested we have only been out a handful of times in 4 and a half years the last time was February he even sleeps in the spare room what do I do any advice greatly appreciated Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2018): That special time-period in a relationship between 3-5 years! If no ring or proposal, then what?
I'd guess your boyfriend is bored with the relationship. I will speculate that you cook, clean, make sure the bills get paid on time, you regulate the budget, pick-up after him, and run the household with a certain amount of efficiency. Between the two of you, I bet you're the most organized. Although you may be lay-back, or might let it all go from time to time; you're the one expected to pull it all back together.
You've become his mom. You're his caretaker. He's content; but not excited about anything.
It's time for a serious and in-depth talk; to determine what he wants out of the relationship. You need to explain your feelings to him, as well as you've explained them to us. Ask him flat-out! Why don't you do anything or go anywhere together as a couple? Is he broke, or is he stingy? Does he work two jobs, or work the night-shift, and rarely gets any sleep?
You imply you don't understand his laziness and lack of energy. You must have some idea. If he doesn't budge even after all the prodding and begging.
Maybe he needs to see a doctor, or he's dealing with depression; and hasn't really discussed it with you. In any event, it's time that you discuss the stagnancy in the relationship. Determine where it's going, and decide what you're going to do about it.
Don't get it in your head that you're going to dictate how things will change by nagging. Don't make up speeches, or try to talk him into changing. You don't change people. You want them to do things of their own free-will. You can motivate or inspire them to work under their own initiative. That's what gives what you have between you substance, endurance, and value. It demonstrates their devotion and how much you're appreciated. Otherwise; you're just clinging to him, and taking care of him like a child. He allows it; perhaps because he can't imagine anyone else willing to put-up with him like you do.
It's just a dull make-believe marriage without the papers. Scratch-marks on the wall, counting-off the days and years.
You simply need to know, does he want this relationship to continue? Prepare yourself for an honest answer. Then tell him exactly what it is you want. He can't read your mind, and nagging tends to deafen a man's hearing. We tone it out.
If you can't find middle-ground, or you can't effectively-communicate with each other; then there's your answer. It's done, and has reached the expiration-date. You've out-lived the warranty! You're ready for a trade-in and an upgrade!
Often enough; people drag-out their relationships to the point the relationship is just a convenience, or a habit.
I'm not talking about a marriage. That requires intense cooperation, love beyond reproach; and inexhaustible-effort above and beyond the call, to make it work. Marriage is a commitment intended to last a life-time. Being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend may have longevity; but you don't have to put-up with anything for a lifetime. When you run out of steam or passion; you give it up. You resume your search for the final-attempt for love-everlasting.
Sometimes it's just an extra income, somebody to keep you company, and you'd rather not deal with loneliness. Otherwise; sex is dull, routine, and predictable. Rarely is affection exchanged; if it happens at all! The day is just the usual routines. Sleep, get-up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat, shower, and go to bed. Repeat the next-day.
You're too young to just lie around the house doing nothing. You should be getting exercise and fresh air, planning weekend-getaways, entertaining, and socializing. Doing exciting things together, going on adventures, and enjoying vacations. If not much happens due to limited-budget; then you have to be more creative. It has to be a mutual-effort.
What's a romantic-relationship without life-energy or passion in it?
It's being roommates.
You might be happy dragging this thing out. Is he?
I'm sure if he personally weighed the pros and cons; he'd rather have sex around when wants it, someone to cook and clean, or do his laundry. He apparently has no other need for you. That places the ball in your court to decide. Do you really need him?
Read your post. Seems like all he does is occupy space; so what's the benefit you get out of the relationship?
Mull over these questions, and evaluate your relationship; to decide if the relationship may have simply run its course. Expect when you start to talk about ending it; maybe for a week or so, things will pickup. Give it a few more weeks; and it's back to the old routines.
I guess it's time to decide if you're wasting your prime years; and if this relationship is going anywhere.
In my opinion, you opted for longevity; but not the quality of life, and a meaningful-relationship. Having a man around is not enough. He's got to be happy being there, being your partner, and enjoy sharing his time with you.
All relationships have a lull and complications. Being a non-married couple for nearly five years; until all the life has left the relationship. To me that says somebody is bored with it.
Guess who?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2018):
 I have to ask do you WANT a room-mate or a life-partner? Because what you have... is a room-mate.
Life is for living.
You want to go out and see and do things, SO DO just that. Either WITH this guy, by yourself, with friends OR... down the line with a NEW man.
My husband dislikes the beach. I love the beach, the kids love the beach, so I go with the kids and leave hubby at home to do whatever he likes! On days where the kids don't want to go I might still go, I might go gardening instead or pop over to new SIL for a cup of coffee.
YOU are not BOUND at the hips, you don't HAVE to sit at home with him. Sure, doing things alone might be strange in the beginning but why not GO out meet new people, see friends, see family, do things YOU enjoy? And if THAT doesn't make him get off his ass, consider ending it.
4 1/2 years of being bored at home?! Is that really how you see your life? Your future? What are you 95?
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (4 June 2018):
What a pure waste of 4.5 years....Dump him like now...and start living your life.Find some guy that is fully alive and appreciates and knows how to respect,love a girlfriend.In the meantime treat yourself to new hair style/make-up/buy some fashion item to wear...and make a Fresh start alone...with the hope of meeting that special person.....you will hardly notice he is gone.Best Wishes Nora B.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 June 2018):
 Yes, dump him.
Why on earth would you of put up with this for 4.5 years? What are you expecting to change? This is who he is and everyday you waste with him is another day of your life lost that could be spent with someone who you can create actual memories with.
It’s pretty obvious that you two aren’t a match.
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