A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently asked this question on here, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-first-time-dater-and-find-myself.htmland you guys gave me some great advice and I've been trying to incorporate what I was told. Essentially the advice was to go at my own pace, but to maybe consider working on letting my barriers down if I felt compelled to.Well, that's what I've done. And amazingly it's gone pretty well. I've come to realize that being close with someone can be really really nice and pleasant. So I've been far more open to cuddling, hand holding, and even things like footsie and letting him put his hand on my knee/leg if we're sitting at a table together. But all of these things he's had to sort of encourage me/pull me into doing. It never feels forced or anything but I definitely need that push first to get over the hurdle.Where things get tricky is that some things still make me a tad bit uncomfortable but I kinda go along with it because 1.) I know I can say "No" at any time and he'll back off and 2.) I know he's doing them to purposely embarrass me and get me to lighten up a bit which does work. Things like jokingly moving his hands to more intimate spots but only for a moment. I just laugh it off. Recently I realized that he's wanted to kiss me and has been wanting to more with each date (we've been seeing each other for a month now). The first time he wanted to I immediately sensed it and said "no, I'm not ready" and he just said "ok" and we continued to just cuddle and talk. I've been pretty open with him in communication saying how I want to move slowly. However, recently he tried again and I hesitated and he said "still not ready, huh?" and I told him I just overthink things too much and I was covering my face in embarrassment and I think he sort of took that as thinking that maybe I did want to kiss but was just unsure of it and so kinda eased into it in a way, as before trying to encourage/pull me into the moment.And I let him do it. However, it was awful. I knew I still wasn't ready, it felt so forced, and the moment just wasn't right (also it was wet, which grossed me out). Plus I know I rushed it to get it over with whereas he probably was expecting more. We talked a bit more and I mentioned kissing him on the cheek instead saying it was easier and that's what I did, but after a pause he said "just one more" (for full kiss) and again I went with it, and it was just as bad as the first time. I think at this point he had asked if it was getting any better and I said "I don't know" still embarrassed. Finally a bit later he was getting ready to leave and this time we were standing face to face (before we were snuggled on the couch) and he mentioned trying it again, and I stalled a bit, hugging him instead and laughing about it, saying how bad I was at it, etc. But then I stood back and looked at him and said "Maybe it's better to just get it out of the way right?" and he nodded so I tried it one last time, still way too fast and it was again bad.Then we hung out the next day (yesterday) and he wanted to try again, another goodbye kiss. And this time I just did it, again, fast, because I desperately DO NOT want to make out yet, tongues/saliva are a NO GO for me.I'm sitting here thinking that if I just go along with it, it'll get better and become easier, but so far after 4 attempts I'm still uncomfortable with it. We even texted afterwards and I told him the issues I have with saliva, and like how I have a problem sharing food/drinks and why kissing is going to take time for me to get used to and he just said if we keep trying, we'll get more comfortable with it. Am I doing the wrong thing by going along with kissing when I'm not fully ready yet? Is it something that gets easier over time?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Be patient and continue being honest. Absolutely don't rush sex - that's wise, though waiting to marriage often leads to sexual incompatibility.
Just tell him you'd like to slow down the kissing stuff.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): Keep trying! It gets easier!
You said you weren't attracted to him. I read what you said in this post. I can't see all your old posts. I go by what you say in the original; and follow-ups that come on the same link, my dear! If said something different in the old one, my bad!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee I asked those around me if it was considered stringing him along because I didn't want to do that and everyone told me it wasn't. I was told stringing along someone is when you date even though you see absolutely no future with someone. But I do see the potential for us, I just think he's moving faster. For me a month doesn't seem that long.I am interested in romance. That's why I let him push me to open up and I found myself suddenly enjoying things like cuddling and just being in each other's space which I never could do in the past. And I'm trying to get past the fear/uncomfortableness by trying kissing. (To be fair 3 of those 4 kisses were all in the same night, and it was my first time!) I'm not dictating his every move. When he wants to hug, hold hands, etc. I go along with it because I find comfort in it, I don't push him away. At the moment it's literally just the kissing that's my biggest obstacle. (And I don't find his kisses disgusting, just a bit too wet. The disgust comes from people actually spitting) And I know sex will come later, obviously. I just want it to be with someone I trust fully. My whole life I've been prepared to wait for marriage to find the right person and again I told him this. I am trying. And he's the only one who's been able to get me to open up like this. I was just hoping it would get better/easier over time is all. What more am I supposed to do?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2018):
Thing is, you're dating. You're in a relationship, but want a friendship to grow first. That's not how it works or how he wants it - sorry, OP. If you need to grow together in friendship first, then you need to tell him point blank.
"Bob, I like hanging out, but I need us to develop a friendship before we start being romantic or intimate."
He's respecting your boundaries because he thinks it's making progress, but you're not ready to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): [EDIT]:
Correction:
"He didn't choose to do this because he so infinitely patient; he thinks you are attracted to him."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): If he's making romantic-overtures such as touching your knee and trying to kiss you; the young man is not just interested in friendship. He may think he's up to this difficult challenge; but you've admitted you're not even attracted to him. So that means you're basically stringing him along. He's looking for something romantic; but you're looking for a friend.
My dear, you don't string people along until you think you might feel something. Either you do, or you don't. I fully disagree that you don't expect people to tiptoe around you; or you wouldn't have forewarned him about it.
He didn't chose to do this because he so infinitely patient; he thinks you are attracted to him. He's doing his best to be a gentlemen by moving things slowly; and at the pace he thinks you'd be comfortable with. Only in time, he will figure-out this is all futile.
Make it clear that you're not interested in romance. He will eventually tire of you pushing him away; even if he hasn't yet. I don't quite believe he knows this isn't leading-up to romance, and he's essentially in the friend-zone. You think his kisses are disgusting, if they involve spit; excuse me, but a deeply-romantic kiss between a boyfriend and a girlfriend usually will include tongues and spit. Eventually sex. Even if marriage comes before all this, what on earth would you do with a husband? Shake hands?!!
Good luck, if you think you're going to be dictating every single move he makes, and he's going to stick around. Especially when he thinks he's being patient to allow you to warm-up to him, and get accustomed to romance and kissing.
You've basically told us, that's not likely to happen. So you're not totally being honest with him. He's not stupid, he'll figure it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. In response to the answers so far:I've communicated all this to him the first day that we got close and we were able to share more personal things back and forth and even after that we spent the whole night together. (9pm-7am) So he knows what he's getting into and he has every right to leave if he wants, but he seems to still want to hang out with me so it must not bother him too much.I just feel bad because I can feel that he wants more but he's respecting my boundaries, and only pushing me the tiniest bit to encourage me rather than force me. It's not that anyone has to tiptoe around me; like I said, I told him how closed off I am most of the time and he's the one whose chosen to stick around. The issue is that at the moment I'm not necessarily sexually attracted to him. He approached me in wanting to go out and get to know each other, and seeing as how it was the first time any guy had ever approached me I went with it. We get along great and have a lot in common and actually fit each other pretty darn well, bringing out better qualities in each other and he's super sweet. That's why I don't want to give up on the relationship because I feel like we're really good for each other and there's so much potential. If anything I just take a long time to become close with others and wanted to form a friendship first and hoped that attraction would grow with it. But like I said it's only been a month. The friendship is definitely growing, I'm just waiting for the attraction. As for the saliva thing, "spit" actually makes it worse. Spit has always been one of the biggest turn offs for me. Like a guy could be the most attractive man to me but the second he goes and spits on the sidewalk or something, I'm disgusted. I thought when I kissed someone for the first time that it would be so enjoyable I'd forget about all that stuff. Unfortunately I think it just wasn't the right moment because my attraction just isn't there yet.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2018):
 I get the sense that you have some phobias or aversions that have prevented you from getting into dating/romantic situations.
Is the aversion or phobia to all body fluids or just saliva? If someone calls it “spit” instead, does that change your reaction
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2018): As far as touching and intimacy, that should be at your own pace; and no one should rush anyone into sex, or heavy petting. That's entirely up to you.
Now on the topic of kissing. I think you're taking this a bit too far. We tend to coddle here a little bit; and we try to offer the soft-touch to particularly sensitive people, or those who suffer from anxiety or mental-health issues. In this case, you're likely to lose the young man's interest. You're behaving like a child. I understand it's a first-time dating situation; but I think you're mature enough to know what romance requires.
How do you think it makes him feel when you cringe every-time he attempts to be romantic? I mean seriously?!!
I don't particularly like that thing about touching you in private areas. I don't like people being sneaky or taking advantage. That's different. Playful is okay. I think it's inappropriate to "cop a feel" when a lady is off-guard; but even a shy teenage-girl can work her way into her first kiss.
You've got to gain control over your many difficulties. If you have so much anxiety, perhaps you're not ready for dating at this time.
You don't have to french-kiss; a soft and lingering kiss on the lips is always a good start. We can't remotely puppeteer your actions with a young-man on a date; so you're going to have to break some barriers and come out of your comfort -zone. If everyone is going to have to tiptoe over a field of landmines to get to you; it is likely young men may find dating you too difficult. I commend the young-man for being respectful and showing patience. I also commend you for making some breakthroughs that you thought you never could.
No touching in areas you're not comfortable with.
It's time you use a little maturity and try to get past your fears. Sloppy kisses are gross. I grant you that! Simply suggest that he not use tongue quite yet. It's that, or get a little more counseling and therapy to manage some of your anxieties that keep you entirely on edge.
A gentleman must be patient and respectful; but there are situations that are just too much, my dear. Sometimes realizing that the world doesn't tiptoe around you; but will just leave you well alone to deal with your issues, brings out a bit more courage in some people. If that's what it takes!
Life requires us to push past our fears. We can't spend our entire lives on pills or sitting on a therapy couch. We have to live, take risks, and enjoy the gift of life.
We must take on challenges, develop perseverance, overcome our fears, and we try to adapt to our environment. If we want love and affection; then we have to learn how to give and take it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 June 2018):
You're just not ready to be in a relationship where kissing is involved. Forcing yourself will push your progress back, not forward.
It's okay not to be ready. You'll only get more anxious if you keep pushing yourself.
Let him go to be with someone who wants to kiss and you take time out until you're ready.
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