A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I think I've made a big mistake. I've been living with a guy for the past 3 years now. At first we made an agreement that we'd be friends "with benefits." Over time, things changed (for me.) I fell in love with him and want more of a commitment with him. Now that he knows how I feel, he's been very cold and distant (except when he wants sex.) I can't get mad at him and I can't say anything about it because "we" agreed and he can always lean on that as an excuse. I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on. Is there any way I can gain control over this situation or is it a dead end?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): My experience is that a broken heart needs truths.
I'm Latin American. In my culture, when a man gets a woman to live with him before marriage, as a friend with benefits, you should not expect him to move on to any higher level in the relationship. You are in love, but he isn't. I wonder if your agreement to live together was really something you agreed to, or only something he hinted.
If I were you, I would leave him, no matter how painful. I don't think you're getting anywhere with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you bubbloo24. After reading everyone's suggestions and responses yesterday, my attitude has changed towards him. I think he was sencing that from me last night. He is very intuitive. I could tell he was getting a little nervous and then all of a sudden he started being really nice to me. But, I didn't back down and I'm still going to take all these suggestions into conseration. At this time, it would be hard for me to pack up and move. Things in the Northeast part of the US are VERY expensive. I would have to sell alot of my belongings and probably pay someone rent. Also, it would be hard to find a landlord that would be willing to take in me with six large birds and two dogs.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (5 June 2007):
 I suggest, you get out there, meet new guys and then if there's one that you really want to get to know more then get talking and meeting up. This will show the guy you told you love that you don't care for him like that and he should stop being so cold to you.
Don't go out there and meet any old guy tho, it'll take time. Make sure you pick a nice guy who'll respect you.
Don't expect instant results. He needs time to get his head sorted.. give the guy time.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 June 2007):
 Happy to hear that you agree with most of us - I really think it'll be better for you this way. And it looks like you're already taking steps in the positive direction by looking at realtor.com! Don't forget that sometimes in the front of grocery stores they have apartment/home booklets and don't forget about checking your local papers, too. ^_^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to all your response's. Everyone I spoke with about this tell's me close to the same thing. One person told me to put up with it because I need him around financially and he has been somewhat supportive with other issues. She told me to play hard to get until he gets off the pot or goes. Either way, it's not going to be easy. I think I'll start looking on Realtor.com now.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 June 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
I agree with DV1 - I think the best solution to this, since this guy obviously doesn't have the same feelings, is to distance yourself from him. In addition to asking friends if they would like to move in, I would start looking for roommate wanted/needed ads. Also check to see what other places are available around you that you could live in alone for cheaper. Is there a family member that would let you move in for a bit until you get another, less expensive place? I think you can do whatever you can to leave or to get him to leave, because this is very unhealthy for you. I can see it only getting worse - it's not like you can just cut off your feelings for him.
I would let your roommate know that you think it would be best to go your seperate ways. I'm sure that he'll understand, even if he says he doesn't. If he doesn't seem to understand, it's probably not really what he thinks, it's probably the fact that he knows if this happens he's not going to get sex whenever he wants it. Don't let him talk you into staying in the same place.
It's awful to be in the sort of situation you're in, but there is a way out. You just have to be proactive about getting it done. It's most likely going to crush you to have to leave him since you have such strong feelings for this guy, but Anonymous, do you really think sticking around would be a good idea? And what if he were to come home one day with some other girl? Imagine how terrible you'd feel. Get out now to spare yourself from staying attached to this guy, okay?
I also think it's important to have some friends or family members around who can support you emotionally. So you have a shoulder to cry on, or so you can just rant about things. And if you don't have anyone like that, you can always talk about it here on Dear Cupid! ^_^
I hope this helps. Take care.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): The only thing worse is if you spent 3 years and one more day of your life in this dead end affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): Living together before marriage rarely works out unless you are engaged and the wedding is in a few months time.
Living with a friends with benefits relationship is just insane....that relationship is not beneficial for women and you just proved why, women are much more emotional when it comes to sex and almost always form a bond with the man, and can feel like love.
A man on the other hand can easily keep his heart out of it when sleeping with a woman.....how sad for you, you wasted three years of your life on a dead end relationship and allowed yourself to be used, you settled for much less than you deserved.....The only thing is if you spend 3 years and one more day in this relationship.
Either sell your place, move into something you can afford, or give him notice that he is moving out, and you will be moving roommate in to share the expenses....nothing not even money is worth staying stuck in this sorry situation.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (5 June 2007):
 If one of your friends is stuck living at home, but they have a job, ask them to move in...
DV1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDV1,
Thanx for your response. Just an FYI, he moved in with ME. I needed the extra income to pay the bills. I know this makes the whole situation even worse.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (5 June 2007):
It's a dead end. You moved in, knowing that there was the possibility that things could change. I would move out.
DV1
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