| A
female
,
*exie768
writes: my boyfriend and i have been dating now for 10 months and he just recently moved away for college and now all we seem to do is argue and treat each other horrible.. we both love eachother alot and want things to work out but i feel that i cant find the solution to the problem ....need some advice Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Can you both agree not to argue about the small issues, and to only discuss the bigger ones in a calm manner when you can sit down together? Perhaps when you are both relaxed, maybe out at a restaurant or somewhere where you won't end up arguing, and can therefore approach the subject in a reasonable and calm fashion?
Make a date for talking (not necessarily arguing!) This way you can both have the time to think of a way to word your sentences properly, as you will have time to prepare yourself for the discussion.
Also it may help if you can agree to 'discuss' any 'issues' perhaps on no more than, say, once a fortnight, or something similar? And make sure that you do NOT start a sentence with "You Should"; "You Never", "You Always"...but something like "I'm having trouble with the way...", or "I find it difficult to..." Try to talk like this, so as not to appear confrontational. Don't put him on the defensive, that's what I'm getting at..get him 'on side' so that he feels he wants to help - as I'm sure that is his intention if you both want to work this out together in a mature way. Put your hand on his arm in an affectionate way, to re-inforce the fact that you do not intend to end up arguing. And always try to think of something nice to say, before broaching the problem..
You need to feel that you can both look forward to communicating, and exchange some nice words, such as how much you miss one another, and are looking forward to seeing each other. Make a point of starting each and every conversation by saying something nice, or tell him a funny thing that happened in your day.
Life is too short to magnify every problem! Concentrate on the nice things about one another, and minimise the flaws - we all have them!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): Whilst some arguing in a relationship is normal, constantly arguing is not. You guys have not been together that long, could it be that you are just not compatible for each other?
When you have a disagreement about something, there are better ways of getting across your unhappiness. For example, if you accuse your partner of something they are likely to defend themselves (and thus an argument ensues and you never actually address the problem)
Instead, you should try and explain it in terms of how their behaviour makes you feel. Instead of "You always go out with your friends and never want to see me" you could say "I feel like you don't like me in the same way as I feel your friends get priority over me, has something changed?". Also some people are just very poor communicators, and you will get no where with them. If you are finding that neither of you are able to talk about a problem, find a solution and most importantly, move on so it is no longer an issue then I think you might have to accept that unfortunately you arn't compatible with each other.
If things don't work out, learn from where this relationship went wrong and in the future, when you meet someone else, you can talk about what went wrong and try and ensure the same mistakes don't happen again. Good luck and I wish you both the best no matter what happens.
...............................
|
