A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend of 19 years with whom I have a son, says she is dateing someone out of state, but lives with me, sleeps with me, and i hold her every night. She says she might leave me, but goes to counselling. what is she doing? also says she might leave. then she talks about plans for us later, like how will we heat the house in the upcoming winter Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2011):
 she is playing games with you and technically seeking emotional intimacy with another man. Why, you should be asking?
Is she trying to incite jealousy in you? If you live together what does she perceive is lacking in her, or what does she perceive that she receives from the LDR?
You need to take stock of your relationship immediately.
What has held you back from ever proposing to her?
Ask her what she needs from you, in order to focus solely on her primary relationship, with you?
And ask her under what circumstances she would say goodbye for all time to her LDR?
This triangle is unfair on all the parties concerned..
If you want her in your life you may have to woo her all over again. Although some people are serial players and philanderers, others find something lacking in themselves or in their primary relationship and so go looking for what is missing. But it is an unsatisfactory 'solution'. It is far better to put all energy into the primary relationship and do everything possible to make it better. Yet if that fails, then end the primary relationship and move on.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 May 2011):
This sounds like a very nerve wracking situation to be in. Maybe she is trying to 'scare' you into proposing marriage since it's been 19 years??
It sounds like you two don't have good communication? (just talking about how to heat the house is not enough). How about talking to her honestly, in a nonjudgmental and noncritical way, and asking her what's going on? And telling her how this makes you feel, what you're going through, and ask her if she wants to try to work on your relationship and if so what she needs from you. And if she doesnt' want to work on the relationship, then why is she still staying with you and sleeping with you?
maybe she wants to leave you but is too afraid to give up the comfort of what she's familiar with and go through the upheaval (especially if you have a child together) so she's waiting and hoping that something else or someone else (i.e. you) will make the decision for her to end the relationship so she doesn't have to do it herself.
or maybe she has already decided to leave you, but is trying to ease your pain by doing it gradually so you can mentally prepare for it?? Or maybe she has already decided to leave but her other boyfriend isn't ready yet so she's just biding her time waiting for him and using you and your relationship as a security blanket in the meantime because she's afraid to be alone? Any of these reasons are unfair to you. If she's decided to leave, she should do it...
the thing is, what can you do about this? since you can't change the way she feels (you can't make her want you more, or want the other guy less), you can only decide what you are going to do for YOURself and what you're willing to tolerate and for how long.
if she says she's dating someone else, why are you still with her? right now she's the one in complete control of the relationship, it seems like it's entirely up to her whether or not this relationship continues. Is it your choice to let her be the one to decide if this relationship continues, and to string you along indefinitely? what about giving her a deadline by which she must give you an answer one way or another, so you can live your own life and make plans for yourself if she is to leave you. And if she decides to stay with you, then she must end her other relationship and commit to this one.
if she's going to counseling, would you two be willing to go to couples counseling?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): When after 19 years you have not proposed yet! You should expect that. You have a child together what are you waiting for? If it was me I would get married before my child was born. Still it is not late do something before you lose her!
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