A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge dilemma. My fiance never has time for our relationship. He works nights I work days and on top that he has a crazy mother and an younger brother with a severe disability so he is constrained to spend much of his free time at his mum's place, helping her out. We moved in together last year planning to get married next year but I feel I cannot cope anymore with the loneliness I live every day. I see him only 2 afternoons a week (he has mondays and tuesdays off so we are both free after 5 pm when I finish my work).The rest of the time he spends at his mum's house ( whilst I am at work anyway).I know he is under pressure and he is genuinely helping his mum. BUt my frustration now is so big and I wonder whether he shuld drop some responsibilities with his single mum and build a life with me, as he keeps promising me. What should I do how can I know that this is not a pattern of our future and he will ever build something with me. We are sharing expenses for our flat together but he is also helping out his mum and needless to say we only save my money since his go into our rent and his mum's house. I find this very frustrating and I feel he isnt' putting as much as he should in his relationship with me. We have been talking about having kids etc etc but I honestly dont see it happening with the hectic life we are living now. Should I reconsider my priorities since he seems he cant bring himself to reconsider his? I am so confused and embittered. We have been together on and off for 5 years and things have been like this forever although he always begs me to stay and that he will improve the situation. But he doesnt have a clue how. Should I stay?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Hi, it's me again. I have just found out how things stand. He finally answered all my questions that I have been asking him since time begun. He will never leave his mum and brother but he says we will have a life together as well. He had built my expentations so high and so I always asked him for 'how, how come, where and when', but to my exasperation he has always been vague in his answers until at some point I couldn't bring the subject anymore cos he would lash out and threaten to dump me. He has embarrassed me in public recently and also recenlty when I begged him literally for some help he wasn't there. Now he has asked for a break for a few weeks, 'to save us'. I don't see him much anyway and it hurts me to see he chooses not to see me even more. He says he isn't interested in anyone else but this break will save us as he is stressed with everything and he still plans to live his life with me. What should I believe? I so feel strung along here. I am so so hurt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): thank you for your advice. you surely make sense. it will be hard getting new jobs with this credit crisis but its the spirit and the attitude that counts and maybe i should do a bit more to project as much positivity as i can. thank you again xxx.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Hi there...
I've got a similar situation with my partner. He's 26, I'm 18. We've been together for 2 years, living together for 6 months. He is a work-a-holic, working two jobs and i work full time and run my own business part time. We're also both studying. I only see him a few nights a week and on sundays.
It's stressful yes, but don't worry - it'll pan out. You should definately take the advice of that fantastic person who initially replied. You NEED to help him out here - not leave him, you'll only regret it later on.
Not only can you find him a more suitable job that you'll both be happy with, but getting a cleaner or part time care taker will reduce his work load for his mother.
Instead of letting him go to his mother's alone, why don't you accompany him every now and then? It will show him that you care - and you'll be spending more time with him.
Why don't you take advantage of the situation? Not do anything stupid i mean. Make the most of having time to yourself... take up a long lost loved hobby, catch up with the girls... maybe even visit your family?
It can be hard during these times, but almost every couple experiences this and most of the time it's for the better.
Hope this helps and yes good luck dear! :-)
*BIG HUG*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): well he is the one who gave me an ultimtum. he says if i dont like my life with him then i should go although he loves me blah blah bu this brther will always live with him and it will be his number one priority. i feel hurt because this is the first time he sys this to me. until now he led me to believe he is trying his best to build a life with me but i guess my gut feelings could detect he was lying. after all this time together. i feel so betrayed. should i leave this guy and never look back?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): Thank you Emily for your answer.It's comforting to get any feedback at all not to mention an insightful one. Yes.. the ideas you chuck out , we have been mentioning them, talking about them vaguely, we are still to sit down and work out realisically how the change of circumstances will happen, step by step. My boyfriend seems to avoid getting down to details or maybe it is too overwhelming to change so many things. Sometimes I wonder if he is THAT commited to me in order to bite the bullet. I help him and I am ready to wait on him as long as I know what i am waiting for, and roughly, for how long. I would love for him to be more enthusiastic about it and more active and to start looking for new jobs himself or or a change of career. At the moment he jus begs me to wait for things to work out by themselves, and have patience. This attitude drives me crazy as i think it's a waste of time to wait for luck to come in or other people to make life easier for you. Oh i don't know. I am so frustrated. I wonder whether the time for ultimatums has arrived. Thank you so much for your reply.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 September 2008):
I don't think dumping him is the answer - it's just a last resort.
Start looking for day time jobs for him. If he switched jobs then he would have a much easier time spending evenings with you.
Jet onto the job centre and any specialist websites that advertise jobs in his field.
Do some research and find out if his mum is entitled to any help with benefits due to her son. She should be getting carer's allowance and other things so he doesn't have to pay so much, and she can get help if she is not coping... like a cleaner.
Tell him he has to help you look at go for these jobs as he is on his last chance.
It's not fair on you that your life is like this.
Help him to change and if he can't then you may just have to accept that this was not meant to be.
Good Luck!! xx
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