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female
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anonymous
writes:I hate where my husband and I live. I've lived here all my life (I'm 25) and my husband (24) moved here about 6 years ago. It's been fine up until the last several years. Now, for some reason, everything about this place is taking a dive.We bought our first house in this area almost 2 years ago. Since then, the crime rate has skyrocketed and murders happen down the street. Yes, murderS - not just one. Many. All the time. We have the highest cancer rate in the nation, and the pollution is so terrible that thousands of fish die at ONCE for what seems to be no reason at all and then they smell up the city. (It sounds funny, but it's really not. It's sad and disgusting.) The school system in our area is not that good, either. This is no place for a family. Heck, I don't even want to live here by myself anymore!I want a fresh start in a state that doesn't have so many problems. I've found the perfect place for us across the country where the area is just starting to be built up. My husband and I love it - it's clean, inexpensive, has job opportunities, you name it. His parents are moving there and a lot of his family already resides there, so it would be ideal for us in everyway possible.But one thing is holding us back: my husband doesn't want to leave his dream job. To me, a job shouldn't dictate your life. To him, his job is his life. And truth be told, this is the only place in our country where this sort of profession exists. If we don't live here, he wouldn't be able to hold the same position anywhere else. I even told him that since I make good money (he does not), that he could stay at home and just maintain the house. With my salary and in the lower cost area, it wouldn't be a problem (it really wouldn't even be a problem right now where we live).Anyway, how do I get my husband to stop centering his - and ultimately our - life around his job?? He agrees that this location is bad for raising a family (we want to have kids in 4 years). He says the only way he's going to move from here is if we are retired. I'm so frustrated - I feel like he's being really selfish. Help!(We're kind of stuck here, as the other areas around us in this state are very, very expensive. We were extremely lucky to find our current house on the market when we did.)
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female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 i'm sorry, i didn't realise your circumstances. i think if the anywhere has that much crime, i too would like to get out. your husband may come round to the idea if you tell hm exactly how you feel, that your scared for your safety and his. explain that you understand he doesn't want to be unemployed but that could be a tempery messure until you're settled in and maybe he could find work somewhere else. if if upsets you that much to stay there and you can afford to leave and set some somewhere that makes you happy, i think nothing should stand in your way, as you say, anything could happen because life's too short, if you're going to do it and you feel that strongly about it, just do it. and good luck.
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reader, On Cloud9 +, writes (19 September 2007):
 I sympathise with you on this one because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I share your concerns about raising children in a polluted and high crime area. What is the point of having a dream job if you spend most of your time worrying about what your children are getting up to and if they are going to get home safely at night. I mean that will happen anywhere but you wouldn't want to knowingly place your children in danger so it is likely that he will eventually come to his senses and move.
I agree with Penta and think he needs time to retool and get ready for drastic change, it must be very upsetting to have to let go something that you love, plus you have to be careful not to make him resent you for making this move later on down the line.
You have presented him with solid facts about the danger of staying in this neighbourhood, and I think that deep down he will already be starting to come to terms with this himself, no matter how much he is trying to convince himself it will be ok.
Perhaps he may want to explore other opportunities in same career field. Do some research on it. Can he not do freelance work? You say that other areas in state you currently live in are more expensive, is there no way you can make that work? where there is a will there is a way, and atleast explore every possible avenue to ensure that you both get what you want then it will be a case of compromise.
good luck and be patient. all will come good in the end x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPetna: Thanks for your answer. I didn't tell my husband how he's supposed to feel, so I'm not sure where you got that. I've discussed the benefits of moving with him, but never told him he should feel a certain way. (I've never told him I think he's being selfish or anything - I just mentioned it here for the first time.)But I see what you mean about not wanting to sponge off of me. You're right, I never really thought of it like that. But the thing with that is - and I should have mentioned it earlier - is that he would be able to freelance and still contribute to the organization, just not be a steady employee for them. But I see what you mean. (But if someone gave me a choice between dream job and not working, I think I'd probably choose not working. lol)It also makes sense that he'd have to have some more time to think about it (although so far it's been a year since I first brought it up.) I'll give him some space, though. You're right - it would push him away and make him resent me if he didn't like the idea once it already happened. But at the same time, I don't want it to be *my* way. I want him to agree with me and want to move himself.leanne: Thank you for your answer, as well. But, you see, it's not that I just "don't like the neighborhood." It's that we have already had over 300 murders this year alone (this is not a huge city by any means) and they happen literally right down the street from where we live.The people here are too influenced by gang lifestyle - namely MS13. This is how bad it's gotten: three young boys - one of them 13 years old - have even been killing people "for fun." If three kids can do that, imagine what the adults are doing. People have died in the most grotesque ways -- I'm not even going to get into it. Like I said, most of it is gang-related.While I agree with you that for every one person, there is one who is good (more than that, I believe), it still doesn't negate the fact that one of us could be the victim of a crime. I have already been a victim of several crimes - my car was broken into 4 times, my house was broken into once, I was raped and was almost the victim of hate crimes twice before I decided to just run the red lights.Believe me, I know that everywhere isn't perfect, but literally almost anywhere else in the country is better than here crime-wise.---Thanks again, guys. I'll just keep trying to send positive messages about the place that I think we should move without trying to be forceful. Maybe see if he has another location in mind, as well (although he's never talked about it.) Maybe he'll change his mind about leaving this place before we decide to have kids.
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reader, leanne.od +, writes (18 September 2007):
having a job isn't always because someone needs the money. your husband clearly loves his job and my guess is it's because he's fulfilling a dream job he always wanted. it would be unfair and selfish of you to expect him to move just because you don't like the neighbourhood. i'm sure you'll be well aware that every neighbourhood has it's reputation but it isn't the area that gets the bad name it's the criminals who live there. i live in a "rough" area of britain but i love it because it's my home, i would not let some thuggish criminals force me away. there have been murders here, even one last weekend which upset me but for every person there is a good. if you force your husband to move, whatever area you move too won't stay as nice and "perfect" as westeria lane forever.
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reader, penta +, writes (18 September 2007):
 You can't tell ANYONE how they're SUPPOSED to feel! "To him, his job is his life." This is his life, his feelings. To tell him that the way he feels is wrong is really uncaring.
How would you feel if you had your "dream job" and your spouse wanted you to give it up without giving you time to mourn the possibilities? This is his dream!
And maybe he doesn't want to sponge off his wife (yes, I know that you don't see it that way, which is admirable, but some guys do see it exactly that way).
Slow down. You have made some good points about location. You have good reasons. It may be that it's best for you and him to move. But if he's never going to have the possibility of this kind of job again, he needs to be allowed to grieve the loss. He needs to be allowed to "retool" and gear up for a drastic change of life. And he needs the space to make his own decision without you hovering over him.
If you push him and get your way, he will resent it for a long time. Give him the space to come to your side.
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