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male
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anonymous
writes: how can two adults re-married that are completely in love allow our sexual pasts to infect, haunt and disturb our thoughts? We both acknowledge that the past is the past and we cant do a thing to change it. But being open as we are, we have given each other details that make us think of us with others in a way we don't want to see. Any advise on how we both can put these type of thoughts out of our minds or surpress them as to not affect our fantastic relationship? My wife, more than me, has more to deal with as it relates to partners and history. When these thoughts pop up in my head, I tell them to leave me alone repeatedly. but the thoughts are always there. We have been together for 8 months. Do you think time will help us heal? Please people, submit a lot of responses so we can get some outside input from similar couples that have the same problems. Thank you all in advance.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (22 January 2006):
 I don't think its a question of making those thoughts 'go away' as such because the more you try and to make them the more persistant they will come. Rather than trying to banish these memories i think what you have to do is accept them as past.
Part of doing this is refocusing your thoughts. Create some positive shared experiences for the both of you around sex. Make it romantic and sensous. Scatter rose petals on the bed. Put candles around the bed. Make the evening romantic and make this the culmination of that. By doing this you are createing new, positive memories to gradually ease the painful ones out over time.
However do be prepared to give yourself that time. Healing of any kind takes time. Combine time with a refocusing on the present however and hopefully these memories will fade away.
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